KUMA: SpiritSpace

by
F. Landrine

_____For me, coming out was a long, multi-faceted process. Itfit along the lines of my coming out of a closet that had a revolving door. I came out and thenwent back in several times. One of the most pressing things that made me so confused andconflicted, of course, was religion.
_____ I knew that I was attracted to women for sure by age 14. Ihad a crush on my best friend, a preacher's daughter. It didn't hit me for real until the followingyear, when I realized I was "head over heels" in love with my closest friend in high school andchurch. Only unlike the 14 year-old friend, she returned my feelings. I'll never forget when wefinally had our first encounter. We were almost 16 and had gone through several months of"playing" with each other about being a couple. I finally found out that I wasn't the only one whoreally meant it when she tried to kiss me. That led to a real"make out" experience. I then was on cloud 109 when she decided that she was a Christian andwhat we had done was going to send us straight to Hell. That she prayed for God to take awayher feelings for me and her lust in general and that she'd pray for me too. That led to her notspeaking to me for the next 18 months. By the time we graduated we had made out another twotimes, regardless of the fact that we both had boyfriends. I still liked men, and even had decentintimate relationships with them, so that was not phony, but I did feel like I was not into them. Inever felt the same about them as they did about me and I felt removed from thememotionally.
_____ My lesbianism continued to grow and to become moreand more of a confusing issue overthe next few years of my life, which I call the Young Adult-College & Career years. I went on tocollege, fell in love again with a friend I could never have and became really depressed. I realizedthen that I was hurting myself, so I moved away to California to "find myself". I had a relativewho lived and worked in a pretty gay affirming area and introduced me fully to "the life". In lessthan 2 weeks I was in my first lesbian affair. It was fantastic and showed me I was really home. This was for me. That was followed by a 4-month, live in relationship with a woman from myhometown area who was 12 years my senior. She hurt be deeply and I moved back home tooscarred to see another woman for a while. To this day, some 13 years later, that woman is one ofmy best friends.
_____Of course, now that I was back home, I had to go back inthe closet, but did date threewomen over the next two years. None of them were right for me for one reason or another. Idecided that perhaps this was a sign that because I was living "in sin" that I was never going tofind true happiness in the life. So I went further back into the closet and began dating men againand getting deeper into the church. I got saved and for the next few years struggled with "the realme", still seeing men, from 1990-1993, but still having serious feelings for women. Many of themwere friends who were afraid of the feelings they admitted to having for me. But nothing everhappened so I finally gave up.
_____ I finally got engaged to a man I'd been dating on and offfor 4 years who was away in theservice and was finally going to be stationed near home. He kissed the ground I walked on, knewI was gay (for I told him, as I didn't believe in lying), and knew that even though I loved him, Iwas not in love with him and there was a difference. I told him I wanted the lesbian life, which hadbeen painful, to be behind me. But I was not trying to promise. Day by day.
_____ Just before my wedding I fell in love, or realized I was inlove, with my childhood, life-longfriend. She and I had three short, hot affairs over a four year period, but each time refused topursue a relationship for religious and family fear. This time, though, we couldn't run. We were inlove. We knew we'd never be able to be together though, and I was afraid of her running away soI still got married. I was miserable for six months, four of which my husband was away and I felldeeper in love with her. We never stopped our affair, and began to count the days to when wecould have a real life together. I left my husband just after our first wedding anniversary andmoved away with the woman I loved and her two little boys.
_____ Seven years later we have a home, three children, a dogand cat, two great career jobs andprivate businesses-Therapy practice for me and catering for her. We had a huge (200 people)wedding earlier this year at our church-Inner Light Unity Fellowship Church, one of nine in theUnity Fellowship Church Movement-a nationwide African-American church movement foundedin the mid-eighties by Bishop Carl Bean. The church has been the final, missing piece in both ofour lives. We were two the earlier members, having joined a year and a half after the D.C. churchopened its doors. But even after we joined, we still continued to struggle with spiritualitythroughout the first 3 years of our relationship. I believe it was the heart of many of ourrelationship issues. We returned two years later after the adoption of our daughter and our livedhaven't been the same since.
_____ The church is based on Liberation Theology. Themovement believes in the slogan, ""God is Love and Love is for everyone". The movement hasthousands of members nationwide and we see people being freed every week.
_____ The church finally helped me to believe in my heart what Ialways believed in my mind: Godmade me and He/She don't make no mistakes. I always knew that God loved me, but until I joinedUFC I sat up in church and was beaten by the "Religious" folks. I now give back to God bysinging and writing music and then using my education to help others. I am the director of asubstance abuse facility by day and a therapist for the gay, lesbian community by night. I alsowrite books and do seminars to help people free themselves and COME OUT ON THEINSIDE.

"Religion is for people who are afraid of going to hell, Spirituality is for those who have beenthere."
--unknown