by
biprincess

Dedicated to T.J.
My First Love

Part 2
“Why haven’t I heard from you in a month and a half,” I asked as I heard Chris close her office door behind her. I sat in the guest chair facing her empty desk, waiting for her response. Instead I heard her sigh as she walked further into the room, moving to her desk. She sat and busied herself with the papers that lay in front of her, still not addressing my question, nor making eye contact with me. I tried to hold my temper in check and remain patient with my girlfriend, as I watched her check her messages, jot down names and numbers, as well as begin logging on and checking her email.

After five minutes, I refused to continue to sit there and watch her ignore me. I cleared my throat and asked again, only louder, “In case you didn't hear me the first time, Christle, I asked why haven't I heard from you in a month and a half.”

She looked up at me and raised an eyebrow. Finally, I had her attention, yet only briefly. She looked away once again, but this time, she said, “I've been busy, Jae.”

“Busy? Busy,” I asked cocking my head to the side. I felt my temper flaring as she casually dropped the words and then continued what she was doing. I couldn’t take this nonchalant attitude from her and I wanted some answers. “Chris you always make time to talk to me. What the hell is going on with you? What has kept you so busy that you couldn't at least pick up a phone and say, ‘I’m cool, Jae’ or hell, if you were feeling froggy enough, something like, ‘Hey bitch, I’m alive.’ I mean, something, Chris,” I said looking at her bowed head.

Again, she looked at me with that raised brow. I didn’t back down as I stared back into those sexy hazel eyes. She quickly dropped hers and quietly spoke. “I thought you would be glad that I was giving you your space. Aren’t you always trying to distance yourself from me so that you can break your ‘need’ for me?”

Although she spoke quietly, I knew she was mocking me and I didn’t understand what was going on with her. This was so unlike her to act so nonchalant, so uncaring, and so evasive. It sat there longer and the tension was so thick that it couldn’t even be cut with a sharpened knife.

I couldn’t take her silence any longer and I leaned forward in my seat and gently lifted her chin, turning her face so that I could see into her eyes. And there it was, what she had been hiding from me. Her eyes were filled with so much pain and sadness that I wanted to look away myself, but instead I asked, “Boo Bear, what’s wrong?”

She turned her head so that her chin no longer rested in my hand. Yet, before she could turn her head, I saw the tears cloud her light eyes. I immediately left my chair and walked around the desk. I moved in front of her computer screen and leaned against her desk, so that I stood directly in front of her. I looked down on her lowered head and lifted her chin once again, so that our eyes met. “Baby, what’s wrong,” I asked again.

“He knows, Jae,” she said and the tears fell harder as she admitted what was bothering her. Chris burrowed her head into my stomach and I could feel her silent sobs racking her body. I held her head close to my body and ran my fingers through her short, curly hair. I knew that it embarrassed her for me to see her this way, but I wanted to be there for her.

I had never seen her cry. She never allowed it because she felt like she had to be the strong one. She would talk to me about her problems and then when she felt like she was going to break down about it, she would look away so that I wouldn’t see the pain on her face. But, I always saw it and I always heard it, like today. I couldn’t stand to see her this way; my heart was breaking for her.

I held her until the tears subsided and I lifted her head once again. I leaned down and kissed her forehead and begin wiping her tears away with my thumb. “Come here, baby,” I said, holding out my hand so that I could lead her to the couch that sat in the far corner of her office. As we settled on the couch, I pulled her close to me again and held her. My heart ached for the pain that she was feeling and I wanted to erase all of the hurt that filled her heart. I felt her body relax into mine and I asked the question that had plagued my mind from the moment she told me her husband knew about us. “Babe, how did he find out?”

Chris let out a long sigh and said, “He had been hearing gossip and so he hired a detective,” Chris said. “The detective has been taking pictures and following us for over three months.”

“Damn.”

“I know. Michael actually said something the last night you and I were together. When I walked in, he was like, ‘I guess when you’re with your girlfriend you can’t come home at a decent hour.’ And so I thought he was talking about me being with one of my friends and I began apologizing and trying to explain. I told him that me and one of the assistant coaches decided to go for a drink and the time simply got away from us and I didn’t realize how late it was.”

“What did he say?”

“He just kind of looked at me and rolled his eyes. By this time we were in the bedroom and when I looked up at him, he was taking something from his shirt drawer. He handed it to me and it was a white envelope with pictures of us inside. We were kissing in one picture and in another we were just hugged up really close. When I was looking at the pictures, it sent chills down my spine to know that someone had been invading our space and trespassing on the time we spent together. I was pissed at Michael for having me followed, but at the same time I was nervous because I knew there was no turning back from my secret. Does that make sense?” she asked and I nodded.

“I could tell that Michael was getting impatient with me because I was just standing there looking at the pictures and I wasn’t saying anything. Jae, I don’t know what he expected me to say. I wasn’t going to stand there and look at the evidence and just lie to his face about us. Besides, I can’t deny my love for you and I knew that he could see it all over my face when I looked at us together.”

I felt my heart contract. Just those words that she spoke, “I can’t deny my love for you,” made my heart beat faster. It made me want to pull her closer into my body and protect her from the hurt and pain that I knew she was feeling, as well as what was about to come. I pulled her closer and waited for her to continue.

“After I didn’t say anything, he asked me what I was thinking and I kind of shrugged and said that I wasn’t thinking anything and that kind of pissed him off. Like I said, I’m not sure what Michael expected, but I obviously wasn’t giving it to him. So, he finally was like, ‘So, what does this mean, Chris? You’re a dyke, now?’” She stopped speaking and looked up at me.

“Jae, baby, it was the first time in my life that I admitted to someone other than a lesbian, that I was a lesbian. Angel, do you know how that made me feel? I had to sit down because so much shit was going through my mind, so many mixed emotions. I won’t lie, I felt scared that he knew about us, but I felt relieved, as well. I had been hiding my feelings for women all of my life and for him to finally see what I really was, who I really am, I just felt like a weight had been lifted.

“But, I knew the calmness wasn’t going to last. I think because he was faced with the reality that his wife was a lesbian, it seemed like he turned into a completely different person. But, then again, what could I expect? I knew I hurt him and embarrassed him and I never meant to do that. I never meant to hurt anyone. Jae, you know this better than anyone, I just couldn’t fight it any longer. I couldn’t fight who I was. I wasn’t happy until I met you and I wanted so badly to be happy. I just wanted to embrace who I was and finally live my life with someone that I enjoyed spending time with. I was tired, baby.”

Chris stopped speaking once again and snuggled closer to me. I could tell that she was trying to draw from my strength before she finished telling me what else happened. I held her even closer and tried to provide her the comfort that she needed, that she always gave to me when I was hurting. She was quiet for so long that I thought maybe she wasn’t going to tell me the rest. But, finally she continued.

“Angel, I’ve lost all respect for Michael and for the person that he has become. This last month, he has made my life hell. Seriously. When I look at him, I don’t even know him anymore because he’s so set on punishing me. I admit that I made a mistake and I was wrong for cheating, but I didn’t know what to do really. For the first time in my life, I was in love. I never thought I would feel that type of emotion that people talked so much about. But, I finally had it and I didn’t want to let it go. I couldn’t. I thought so many times about divorcing Michael and me and the kids just starting over. But, I didn’t want to uproot the boys because of my own selfishness—because I was happy. I didn’t want to jeopardize their happiness for mine. It seems I tried so hard to prevent them going through a divorce and it’s still happening and it’s worse than I could have ever imagined.”

Chris looked away from my eyes and I knew that she was trying to recompose herself. I saw the tears in her eyes and I knew that me seeing her cry once today was all she could handle. I sat quietly holding her, allowing her to get herself together.

“Baby, I love my kids more than life itself. I would do anything to protect those boys because they’re my life, my past, my present, and my future. I don’t know how I could live without them.”

My mind was racing at all the possibilities of the situation. I needed Chris to continue because I was becoming frantic. What did she mean when she said she couldn’t live without them. Why would she have to, I wondered and I asked her.

“Because Michael is threatening to take them from me if I don’t give you up.”

I looked at her with outrage on my face and I felt anger so deep wash over me that I wanted to claw this man’s eyes for making my baby feel such pain and anguish. I knew how much she loved her boys and I would never ask her to choose. I would walk out of her life willingly if she had to choose, but I never thought I would have to. I never thought it would come to this. I looked at her beautiful face that was drawn so tight because of the internal conflict that she was facing. I wanted to be her all. I wanted to make the world right for her and to be the comfort that she always needed. I wanted to be a part of her life, if only a small part, but it seemed that even that was being taken from us.

Chris had begun talking again and I tried to turn my focus on her words instead of the rage I felt for her husband.

“We’re getting a divorce because he’s embarrassed, hurt, and disgusted by my choices. Don’t get me wrong, I want a divorce, but, the thing that hurts me the most in all of this is that he’s giving me an ultimatum where the kids are concerned. He said that I had one of two choices. I could willingly give up my lesbian lifestyle and he would not fight me for custody or he could take me to court and fight me tooth and nail for the kids.

“And trust me Jae, I believe that he would be ruthless. He promised that if he took me to court that it would be nothing pretty because he would present the photos and he would argue that the boys needed to be with their father, not in a lesbian environment. Jae, Michael is a good father, but damn it, I’m a good mother, too. It doesn’t make me any less of a mother because I’m a lesbian. I always put them first and my happiness second. But, Michael is adamant that he doesn’t want the boys in a lesbian environment. He says that it’s unhealthy, unnatural, and he says that he refuses to have his kids exposed to it.”

Chris sighed again and looked up at me. “Babe, I know what I need to do, but it just makes me angry and it hurts. I can’t picture my life without you anymore. I’ve never felt anything remotely close to what I feel when I’m with you. The thought of giving you up makes me feel lost, lonely, frightened, and just sick inside. A big part of me wants to call Michael’s bluff and simply say, ‘Fine, let’s handle this in court because I’m not giving up that easily. You can’t tell me how to live my life.’ Whereas another part of me knows he’s not bluffing and I don’t want to risk losing the boys. I’m being a coward.

“Jae, to be completely honest with you, the reason I haven’t called you in three weeks was so that I could see if I could live without you. And you know what? I couldn’t. I picked up the phone so many times to call you, but I made myself hang up. Every time my cell rang, I hoped and prayed that it was you. Hell, I have even written you an email everyday for the last two weeks and then trashed it before I could break down and send it. I got it bad for you woman. You’re the only person that I know who can give me the strength and support that I need to get through this.”

She sighed again and looked away. As I held her, I felt her body shaking once again. I moved my right hand to the nape of her neck and began massaging away the tenseness. After I felt her body relaxing once again, my fingers moved through her hair, massaging her scalp. I wanted to touch all of the places that I knew would relax her, but this wasn’t the time, nor the place. Instead, I moved my fingers to her temples and began trying to soothe her mind.

I sat there allowing my fingers to say the words that I couldn’t—that everything was eventually going to be okay. I didn’t know how to tell her that she didn’t have to choose between us—that I would walk away willingly so that she didn’t have to choose. I knew how much her boys meant to her and how she would do anything for them, including give me up. I also knew after long nights and tortuous days, what conclusion she would make and I couldn’t blame her. Those were her sons, her babies, her flesh and blood. I would do the same thing—place my happiness second to the happiness and well being of my children.


We sat there a little longer holding one another until her phone rang. She slowly disentangled herself from my arms and went and answered it. I could tell that it was her husband because her face tightened and her voice, which had moments ago seemed calmer, was now strained again. Chris seemed like she was on the verge of breaking down once again, as she bent her head and shaded her face with her hand.

I didn’t want to make things any harder on her by being an audience to her tears. I knew that she was extremely embarrassed by the emotion because she felt that she was supposed to be the strong one. I wanted to be there for her and hold her and wipe away her tears. I wanted to make things right for her because I loved her, but I knew it was time for me to leave. I stood, walked over to the desk and kissed her gently on the lips before disappearing out the door.

****

I wanted to scream. I wanted to open my mouth and let out one big, loud obnoxious yell because I had had enough. I simply had had all I could tolerate for the day and I was tired. I didn’t want to be sitting here in my dark room, looking at the pile of film that needed to be developed. (I didn’t feel like looking at that shit.) I didn’t feel like making decisions about which photographs should be or should not be included in the summer spread for the next month. (Who cared?) I didn’t want to listen to my boss bitch about the upcoming deadline. (Bitch, get a life.) But most of all, I didn’t want to think about how Chris had treated me yesterday evening. (Fuck her.) I was tired.

The only thing that I felt like doing was screaming and running away from everything. That’s how I felt. Fuck it all. I just wanted to crawl back in the bed and bury my head beneath the covers, and only come out when Soul Food and Sex in the City reruns came on. That was it because I was tired.

I kept thinking that I could deal with the pressures from my job, but when it came to being ignored by the woman that I loved, I couldn’t deal with that. It wasn’t that she simply ignored me; it was the fact that she outright denied my existence. Her eyes actually met mine and she had the nerve to turn and walk away as if she didn’t know me. Now, that’s what was really upsetting me. She dismissed my presence and no matter how angry I was, above all I was more hurt by her rejection.

I sighed and realized it was too late. I couldn’t make my mind block out how she had treated me. I spent the day trying to push her actions out of my mind, but everything kept replaying in my head. I kept seeing myself pull into the Wal-Mart parking lot, and immediately seeing her tall, toned figure walking into the store. I remembered how my stomach lurched because I didn’t realize how much I had missed her. I quickly got out of the car and hurried into the store, to begin my search for her.

When I finally caught up with Chris, she was in the frozen vegetable section. She was looking through the glass freezer, while her sons stood on the opposite side of the isle looking at the frozen TV dinners. I walked over to her and smiled. “Hey Chris. How have you been doing,” I asked. I made sure that my words and my tone held the lightness and ease of that of an old friend, and not low and seductive as an intimate lover.

Chris looked at me, but her face didn’t show welcome. Instead, it showed surprise, fear, and then it went blank. She seemed honestly baffled to see me standing besides her, also looking through the glass door. She didn’t say anything and I wondered if she had heard me.

“Chris,” I questioned. “How are you,” I asked once again.

Silence, still. She opened the freezer door, picked out a couple of packages of vegetables and threw them in her basket. “Come on boys,” she said, turning to her sons, and then to my surprise, she walked away.

I stood there, wondering if that had really happened. Had she honestly walked away from me without acknowledging my presence? I moved through the isles in a daze, quickly collecting my groceries. When I finally made it to the checkout line, I saw Chris and her boys leaving the store. Our eyes met once again and once again, she looked away. I tried convincing myself that I saw regret and an apology in her eyes when they met mine that last time, but I wasn’t sure. It was probably wishful thinking.

The longer I sat there on that stool, in that dark, dreary room, the more I felt myself falling into a sea of depression. Originally, I didn’t want to believe it, but I knew things were over between us. She had chosen the boys, which was understandable. But, with her decision and her outright denial of my presence at the store yesterday, I realized that there was no longer any room for me in her life. She had made the decision to deny her love for me, as well as deny who she really was. I understood why she did it, but that didn’t make the pain stop, although, I knew in time it would lessen.

***

I sat in the tub, unwinding from my day. I was so tired, but it was a good tired. It seemed that with the change of seasons, my workload was increasing. The winter magazine spreads were always my biggest challenge, but at this time in my life, I welcomed more work, more challenges, and less “me” time.

I allowed the warm water to wash over my body, gently caressing my tired bones. This was my new lover and after working 12-hour days for over a month, I anticipated coming home to its welcoming touch. I would fill the tub with very warm water and frescia-flavored bubbles, dim the lights and surround the tub with frescia-scented candles, while allowing myself to be serenaded by the smooth, velvety flow of Gerald Albright. This was all the romance I needed.

I leaned my head back against the tub, closing my eyes, allowing the ambience of the bathroom to remove the stresses from my mind. As my thoughts began to wonder, my hands began to move down my body. I tried hard not to think of moments that Chris and I had spent together, but it was hard. My body needed release and my mind conjured up images of us together, making love. I teased myself with thoughts of the countless number of times that our bodies had writhed against one another—and my hands massaged my breasts. I thought back to moments when my fingers inched deeper and deeper inside of her—and my fingers pulled roughly on my nipples. I pictured how her long tongue wrapped around my clit—and my hands moved even lower.

Finally, I stopped fighting my mind and gave myself over to the memories of our loving. I pictured a night not so long ago when we blocked out everything and everyone and concentrated on simply loving one another and pleasing the other.

I remembered that I had lay naked, spread eagle, offering myself as a sacrifice to her. “Take me. Take my body. Take my mind. It’s all yours,” I had whispered. I looked up at her and began stroking my nipples, pinching them, rubbing them, giving them the attention they had yearned for. My other hand moved downwards until my fingers were moving through my curly, dark pubic hair. I slipped one finger inside of myself and allowed it to become saturated by my juices. Removing my finger, I smeared my juices onto Chris’s nipples and began to suck her small, firm breasts. My tongue pulled her nipples deep into my mouth, while she prepared my pussy for her mouth again. As she ran her finger over my clit, teasing and then quickly moving further down, I sucked deeper, harder on her nipples.  

“Hmmmmmm, baby. Now,” I remember begging and she kissed my lips in agreement. I watched through clouded eyes, as she straddled my body, pushing my legs further apart with her thighs. Before we made love this way, Chris always kissed my eyes and told me how much she adored me, loved me, and cherished me. I loved how special she made me feel.

As we kissed, I felt her hand reach between our bodies to spread my lips further apart, searching to find my prominent clit. The difference in our clits always amazed me. Mine was much longer than hers and hers was much thicker. Her fingers moved further between us and I felt her slip a finger deep into my pussy once again, making sure that it was wet enough. At this point, although Chris was soaking wet, she took a finger and slid her lips further apart, wetting her clit with my juices. The thought of our mingling juices aroused me even more.

Lips to lips. Breasts to breasts. Clit to clit. The moment Chris’s clit rubbed against mine, my body tightened. Because my clit was more sensitive, I appreciated how she moved against me gently at first, allowing my body to become accustomed to the erotic friction. When we made love in this fashion, it took Chris no time to orgasm, but it always took me slightly longer. She slipped a finger inside of me once again and began teasing and rubbing my pussy walls, while her clit stroked mines. Soon we both began gasping for breath and grinding harder against one another. I spread my legs even further and wrapped them around her waist pulling her tighter against me. Needing more. Wanting more.

I felt the tension building in my body. Weighing down my limbs, forcing me to cling tighter and climb higher and higher with her. I felt the tightness in her back as she barely hung on, waiting for me. Yet, I needed something more—just something more to send me over the edge. I was so close, yet so far away. I felt bad because I knew Chris was waiting on me, however, I also knew that she could feel when I orgasmed. I never faked it with her, nor did I ever want to.  

As if reading my mind, she removed her finger from inside of me and used it, thickly coated with my juices, to gently slide into my ass. My eyes flew open. That was it, right there, my mind screamed. Right there. The sensations that her finger created in my ass were different than when she fucked my pussy. My body moved against her harder, embracing the erotic feelings that she evoked in me.  

“Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, Baby. That’s it,” I screamed—and it was. I remembered how the friction that her clit created on mine, plus her finger fucking my ass had caused me to lose control then, and tonight, just thoughts of us together, were causing me to lose control now.

And then the phone interrupted my lover’s mental seduction. I cursed in frustration and instantly reached over, yanking the cordless from its base. I figured, the quicker I rushed the caller off the phone, the quicker I could get back to relieving my mind and my body of its tension. This had better be good, I thought.

“Hello,” I questioned, hoping that my irritation didn’t reflect in my voice.

“Hello, Ja’Nae.”

I paused, wondering if it was really her voice. “Hello,” I questioned again. My face began to burn from embarrassment because moments ago I was mentally lost in her, and now it seemed that I was imaging her voice on the other end of the line.

“Hi. It’s me,” Chris spoke into the phone.

I quickly set up and pulled my body from the tub. “Hold on,” I said, lying the phone down. I picked up my towel and wrapped it around my dripping wet body and moved to the bedroom. I sat down on the bed and tried to gather my composure. This was all I needed. I had been so strong these last months. I had finally made it to the point where I only fantasized about her; I no longer picked up the phone to call her.

“Hello,” I spoke again in the phone. I wouldn’t act I fool. I would be polite and then I would simply dismiss her once she said what she needed to say.

“Jae, how are you?”

“How may I help you,” I was cool and to the point.

“Hmmm, I guess I deserve that,” she said. “I was calling because you were on my mind. I was thinking about you and I wanted to talk to you.”

My mind stopped on her first words. I tried to contain the harsh words that were threatening to leave mouth as I thought about her statement, “I guess I deserve that.” You do and much, much worse, I thought. Instead I said, “What do you need to talk to me about, Chris?” I could hear the bitterness in my voice beginning to replace the calmness.

“Us, Jae. I wanted to talk about us. May I come over? I’m about 30 minutes away from you.”

“Chris, there is no need for us to talk because there is no us. When you denied my presence in that grocery store three months ago, you told me loud and clear there was no us.” I couldn’t continue to hide the pain and I no longer wanted to. How dare she call me after all these months and think that she could just drop in? It wasn’t that easy and I didn’t feel like dealing with the stress.

“Angel, please. I need to talk with you. I need to explain. I need to try and make things right between us.”

“Make things right between us? Why? Why now, Chris? It has been three months. Three months and now you’re calling?”

“Please, I know I was wrong, but you know that I have always loved you and that I still do love you for that matter. Please, just let me come over. Please, Jae.”

And that was all it took—I love you. When she spoke those words and allowed me to hear the pain in her voice, I felt the wall to my heart crumbling down. I felt it. I felt myself giving in. Despite everything, I still loved her and worried about her. I wanted to see her, just to make sure everything was going okay with her, yet I knew it was a wrong decision. I knew that if I saw her that I would forgive her. Damn, I was weak, but I couldn’t lie to myself. I wanted to see her. I wanted to be with her.

“Okay,” I gave in. “but, you better get here quick before I change my mind and you can’t stay long.”

“Okay. And Jae?”

“Yes?”

“Thank you.”

I hung up the phone and wondered what had I gotten myself into. What had I said yes to?
But, I had to be real with myself. I would be angry with her and express how she had hurt me, but I knew that I would eventually forgive her. This was Chris, the woman that I loved, above anyone. No matter how hard I had worked to forget her these past months, I hadn’t forgotten her. No matter how much I wanted to hate her, I couldn’t and I didn’t. No matter how much I had struggled not to call or give in to the urge to go to her, I knew that I would allow her back into my life and my heart tonight. And that angered me, as well as excited me.

I pulled a purple and gold, silk kimono over my naked body and tied the belt. I headed to the living room and flopped on the couch. I hated waiting, but I tried to sit patiently waiting by flipping TV channels. I finally heard the doorbell ring and I went and answered the door. She still looked good to me. I don’t know why I thought three months would make a difference, but she still took my breath away. I smiled and stepped to the side so that she could enter.

“Hi,” she spoke and turned to hug me. I moved away from her hug and instead gave a small smile and said hello. I wasn’t ready for her to touch me, not yet. I needed to hear the reason in which she had decided she needed to see me. But, most of all, I needed and hoped for an apology.

“Come on in Chris,” I said leading her into my living room. “Would you like anything to drink or eat? I don’t have much in the fridge because I haven’t gotten around to doing much shopping, but I’m sure I can wrestle up something if you’re hungry.” I knew I was babbling, but I was nervous.

“Sweetie, I’m cool. I don’t want anything.” She looked incredibly laid back for a person who had a lot of explaining to do. “Have a seat,” I motioned towards the couch, while I took the armchair across from her. I still needed my distance.

“So, what’s up,” I asked breaking the silence.

She cleared her throat and looked directly into my eyes. I could see the sadness in her eyes, and hope written across her face. She looked tired and worn out, but she also looked stronger—as if she was ready to take on the world. “Jae, I wanted to apologize for the way that I acted and ask you to allow me the chance to make it up to you,” she said quietly.

“Hmmmm. Thank you for the apology, but how do you think you can make it up to me? You treated me as if you were ashamed of me. You walked away from me. I felt like you were throwing our relationship, but most of all our friendship back in my face. You denied you even knew me, Chris. How am I supposed to forgive that? How are you supposed to make that up?”

“I don’t know, babe. But, I’m willing to do anything. I know it will take time, but I love you and I’m willing to wait and work for your forgiveness—for as long as it takes.”

I looked away from her face and changed the subject. She had me at hello, but I couldn’t allow her to see that just yet. “How’s the divorce coming along?”

“It’s coming. That’s another thing that I wanted to talk to you about. I told Michael that he was going to have to take me to court to fight for custody because I wasn’t going to give you up. I told him that you were the best thing that has happened to me since our kids and that I was willing to fight for you both.”

“You did?”

”Yes,” she said dropping to her knees in front of me. “Angel, when I walked away from you, I felt like I had just lost you and because I had lost you, I had lost myself. I had not only denied you, but, I was still denying who I was and I can no longer live like that. With this divorce, I feel like I’m gaining another shot to be me. To be real—and what I feel for you is most definitely the real thing. What we share is like no other feeling that I have experienced. I’m getting a chance to live life the way that I have always wanted to live—no lies. I don’t have to hide how I feel about women, but most of all, how I feel about you. And when I thought about what I had done to you by walking away, I realized that I was still hiding and being ashamed of who I was.”

“Chris, I wasn’t asking you to declare your love for me to the broccoli. I was only saying hi.”

“I know baby, but I freaked out. I panicked. I know this will sound like an excuse, but Michael had been riding my ass so hard during that time and when I saw you, I freaked. I was thinking, Oh God, the detective is going to see me talking with you and Michael is going to take my kids. I punked out, Jae. There is no other reason, except that one. I simply punked out and I’m sorry.”

I looked away, trying to gather my thoughts. I didn’t really know what to say. I was shocked and speechless. I loved her more than anyone in this world and I wanted to be with her. I was willing to wait in the sidelines for her until she got everything taken care of with her divorce. I was willing to be her support system and her confidant. I was even willing to stand there beside her every step of the way through this divorce, if she asked. But, I was not willing to be disrespected once again by her outright refusal to acknowledge me. “How can I be sure that you wouldn’t turn your back on me and what we share if things got really hard,” I asked genuinely concerned.

She shrugged her shoulders and took my hands. “All I can give you is my heart and my word, Angel. That’s all I have to give.”

I sighed. “Okay,” I whispered. I felt the tears stinging the back of my eyes and I dropped my head. I knew that she loved me and I knew that I loved her, but I was now the one that was scared. I wanted to be there for her every step of the way because I loved her with my all, but I wondered if she really could handle this.

I knew that it was hard living life as a lesbian, especially for a woman of her social status because she was always in the public’s eye. What if she couldn’t handle the pressure? Or what if she couldn’t deal with how Michael was throwing her sexuality back in her face and using it against her in court? What if this really wasn’t the life for her?

I felt her fingers beneath my chin, raising my face so that my eyes could meet hers. I looked into her eyes and I saw everything that I needed to see. I saw how much she loved me. Her eyes glistened from unshed tears and she moved in closer to me, allowing her lips to touch mine. I closed my eyes and the kiss seemed to remove every doubt in my mind. As our lips connected once again, it felt like our hearts were connecting once again. I was home in her arms.

She pulled me close to her and wrapped her arms tight around me, and ran her fingers casually up and down my spine. She nuzzled my neck and said, “I’m sorry for the way that I acted. I’m sorry that I was a coward and walked away from you. I’m sorry that I didn’t stand up for our love from the beginning. I’m sorry for not having faith in our love and knowing that it could stand any trial that it endured, as long as we were both strong enough to endure it. I’m sorry for it all.

“I love you. I adore you and I want to eventually make you my life once all of this is over. Please, stand beside me through all of this and I’ll stand beside you for the rest of our lives as a faithful friend, lover, confidant, and partner. Don’t ever leave me baby girl. You’re my life. You’re my breath of fresh air when everything else around me reeks of drama. I’ve tried to live without you and I can’t. I love you and I need you. Please don’t leave me, my sweet Angel.”

I snuggled closer into her warmth and whispered back into her ear, “I won’t, Boo Bear,” I said, feeling my throat constrict from the love I felt for her. I won’t ever leave you.”

Years Later…

I walked into the house from a long day, thinking how it was good to be home. I closed the door and walked further into the house, to be greeted by the smell of Chris’ famous lasagna wafting from the kitchen, the contradicting bass of a blasting stereo and the sound of the Playstation coming from the boys’ room.

“I’m home,” I yelled.

Minutes later, Chris turned the corner from the kitchen and greeted me with a kiss, while the boys ran in from the other room—the youngest tackling me with a hug, while the oldest showed me his latest karate move. I cheered for Michael, Jr. the oldest, as I pulled Jonathon, the youngest into my arms and gave him a big bear hug.

Chris led me to the couch and removed my shoes and began massaging my feet. “Hmmm, that feels good, babe,” I quietly moaned, watching the boys compete for attention in the middle of the living room floor. I laughed at their competitiveness because there was no way that one would allow the other to outdo him.

I leaned back against the arm of the couch and propped my feet in her lap. I smiled because I was finally home—safe and secure in the love of my wife and my two boys.

The End

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