by
Lil AJ
_____Lawd hammercy I swear if I was a nigga that could fukk with another nigga I'd be aiigh. See, niggas don't get all crazy in the face and twisted in the head like femmes do. You ain't never gotta worry about a nigga trippin off every shit like femmes do. Damn can they trip. I'm sure you're wondering what the Hell I'm babbling about, right? Aiigh its like this. About a year ago I got with Sky. Everything was cool in the beginning but then it just got crazy. Ok I give it to you, I cheated on her so maybe she did have a right to trip out, but then again not really. I mean I loved Sky with everything I had in me, and I still do, but this commitment shit just got to me after awhile. I don't see why she couldn't understand that she was the one I loved and those other hoes didn't mean shit to me. Sky has my heart on lock and all that so why should she give a shit if I blaze some hoe every once in awhile? I just don't get it. Don't get me wrong, if Sky was to fukk some other nigga it would be all seven layers of Hell breaking loose, plus the hidden layers of Hell that nobody knows about, but that's different. Femmes ain't supposed to do shit like that. That's strictly nigga shit. Niggas can't just be stuck to one female no matter how much in love we are. Its just not in our nature to do that type of shit. Anyway, Sky found out about it and flipped the fukk out. I mean it was bad too. I ain't never in all the time I was with Sky heard her trip like that about anything. Flashback with me to that day for a moment.
_____"Chase how could you do some shit like that to me?! Have you lost complete control of all your fukkin senses? Oh my God I can't fukkin believe you!! And you're just sitting there like its no big fukkin deal!!! You know what Chase, fukk you! Fukk everything I was supposed to mean to you!! Fukk everything we ever had!! Chase I fukkin seriously can't believe you could do something like this to me! Yo, you know what? I'm out! Have a nice life Chase. Oh yeah, did I mention fukk you?"
_____After that she just walked out of my room and slammed my door behind her. The shit was awful. So awful in fact that the whole damn second floor heard how she flipped on me. I wanted to smack Holy Thunder out of Sky for that shit but I felt kind of bad because she was crying and shit, and I knew she was hurt, but after the second "fukk you" I was having trouble feeling anything but mad. I can't stand that "fukk you" shit and Sky knows it, but she also knows I won't ever hit her. That's why she did it actually. That and the fact that Sky is a real smart ass bitch when she gets ready. As a matter of fact she's so bad that she doesn't even realize how much of a smart ass she is or when she's being one. But this time her little "fukk you" was intended to piss me off, and she succeeded. I didn't call her ass for a week and she didn't call me either. I ran into her one night in a club with her yappin ass friends. I hated them hoes. Especially that fukkin bitch Shaqueesha she hung with. Shaqueesha was the type of bitch you just wanted to smack as soon as you seen her because you knew she was going to say some bitchy shit just to piss you off. Why wait until she said it? Just smack her ahead of time and get it over with. Well anyway, I walked up to the bar and ordered a Red Thug Passion. One of the chikks behind the bar decides to flirt with me right when Sky and Shaqueesha walk up. Fukkin great. As if I needed that shit right now. Sky just looked at me and walked away, but not before Shaqueesha put her little two cents in.
_____"You just never quit do you Chase? In front of her face huh? Real nice."
_____"Fukk you Shaqueesha." I said as the bitch started to walk away after Sky.
_____I took my drink and paid the chikk behind the bar. I walked away from the bar before any other hoes could fukk with me. I saw where Sky was standing with Shaqueesha and the Clukk Crew. I was just about to go over and try to talk to her when Shaqueesha seen me coming and dragged Sky to the dance floor. Fukk this shit. Sky was my woman regardless of what the fukk we're going through and Shaqueesha's ass needed to learn that shit and quikk before I jakk her ass up. I walked over to Sky and tapped her shoulder. She turned around and rolled her eyes hard when she seen me. The shits went so far back I could've sworn she was looking at her ass.
_____"What do you want Chase?" Sky yelled over the music.
_____"Sky I need to talk to you. Somewhere quiet if that's possible please." I yelled back.
_____She told Shaqueesha she was going to talk to me and she would be back. For what the fukk was that?
_____"Sky why don't you just leave that nigga alone you know she ain't no good." Shaqueesha yelled.
_____"You know what Shaqueesha? I'm seriously about to fukk you up." I yelled back as I balled up my fist and went to punch the shit out of Shaqueesha. Sky grabbed me just in time.
_____"Chase you came here to talk to me not to fight. Let's go. Shaqueesha shut up please ‘cuz I really can't hold her and if she hits you there ain't shit I can do. I'll be back in a few." Sky informed.
_____We walked off the dance floor and went outside. As soon as we got outside I took Sky's hand. "Sky I'm sorry. For everything."
_____"Don't be sorry Chase, be right. Either that or handle your shit better and don't get caught. But sin'ce we go to the same school and know all the same people I don't see how you can avoid being caught. So maybe you should just either be with me and be faithful like I am to you or just leave me alone so you can fukk around in peace."
_____I swear when Sky got mad or hurt there wasn't Heaven or Hell to stop her from being a smart ass. This time I knew I deserved it but shit I hated her smart ass mouth. Hold your head Chase and just get your woman back.
_____"Sky you know I love you…"
_____"Then act like it."
_____"Damn yo can you let me finish?"
_____"No ‘cuz when you start off with that ‘you know I love you' shit its always some bullshit after it Chase. I've been with you too long and know you too well. Just get to your point. Its either be with me and with me only or there won't be no me at all. I'm not going through this shit anymore." Sky said. She was shaking and about to cry.
_____"Fine Sky. You're right. I can't do this anymore either. It fukks me up to see you cry over me all the time. Maybe we shouldn't be together anymore. I was coming out here to try to get you back but I would never be able to promise you that I wouldn't cheat again because I won't ever make a promise to you that I can't keep." I said.
_____"Wrong Chase. Remember when you promised you would never hurt me? Well you broke it. A long fukkin time ago. Over and over again." Sky said through her tears.
_____"Damn I don't know what the fukk was wrong with me. I should've held her or apologized or something but I figured she wouldn't want me touching her and that my apology would mean less than shit sin'ce I've said "sorry" so many times and just ended up hurting her over and over again. I didn't know what to do so I just looked at her tears fall. After a minute I had to do something.
_____"I'm sorry Sky I really am." I walked away.
_____"Yeah Chase so am I." She called after me. I just kept walking. I walked back into the club and went straight to the bar. Sky came in a few minutes after me. I saw when she walked in and went over to Shaqueesha who pointed toward the bar. Apparently Sky asked where I was. The next thing I knew I seen them walking to the coat check and then they left. I ordered another drink. I wasn't finished the one I was drinking but it wouldn't take long so I may as well just get the next one ready. The bar tender chikk came and handed me my drink and asked what was wrong. I just shook my head. She didn't say anything else until I was up to my fifth Thug Passion and barely standing.
_____"Chase, I think you had enough. I get off in about fifteen minutes. I'll drive you home."
_____"Yo how you know my name?" I managed to ask.
_____"Yeah you really are fukked up. I met you last week at the Q party."
_____"Q party? Oh yeah I did go to that shit. Ok what's yo name again?"
_____"Natanya. You probably won't remember in the morning."
_____"Probably not. Sorry shawty I'm like really fukked up I think."
_____"Yeah you are. As a matter of fact I'm taking you home now."
N_____Natanya got my jacket from the coat check and walked me to my car. She had her friend follow behind us in her car. When we got back to my dorm room she made sure I was ok, left my keys on top of my dresser along with her number, and told me to call her when I woke up so she would know I was ok. I said ok and she left.
_____The next morning I called Natanya to let her know I was ok. She sounded kind of upset.
_____"Yo what's wrong?" I asked.
_____"When I left your room last night I ran into Shaqueesha and Sky. Sky was coming out of Shaqueesha's room and seen me leaving yours. I tried to explain that I was just bringing you home because you were so blasted last night and nothing happened but Sky wasn't trying to hear me. She just said it didn't matter what I was doing in your room because you two were over and she walked away. I tried to go after her to explain but Shaqueesha got all in my face. I don't fight so I just left. I hope I didn't cause any problems with you and Sky. I'm really sorry Chase but I couldn't just leave you to drive home like that." Natanya was really upset.
_____"Its not your fault yo. Its mine. I cheated on Sky and flirted with so many hoes she ain't going to believe any female in my room is innocent. Shaqueesha is just a hateful ass bitch that swears Sky is her fukkin girl. I should've beat her ass last night when I had the chance. Look, don't worry about those two. None of that was your fault and bet I'm gonna let Shaqueesha know to stay the fukk out my business before I seriously hurt her ass." I said.
_____"Ok. Again I'm really sorry. I'm just glad you're ok."
_____"Yeah I am thanks to you. Thanks a lot shawty."
_____"No problem. Take care ok and I'll see you next week if you come."
_____"I doubt I'll be there but I'll call you."
_____"Ok. Later."
_____"1."
_____"After I hung up I went to take my shower. I thought about a whole lot of shit in there too. Sky really didn't trust me to save my or her ass. I know I fukked up on her. I wanted to be with Sky but I just didn't know how. I couldn't give her what she needed, and that was a full-time nigga who would only be hers. I wanted to be that nigga but I didn't know how. I tried. I really did. In the beginning I was faithful to Sky, but somewhere something changed and I just couldn't do it anymore. My infidelity didn't change the fact that I loved only Sky. How was I ever going to get back the only woman I ever loved and ever will love after all I did? And the fact that Shaqueesha was pumping Sky with all sorts of shit didn't help any. Oh yeah I had to pay Ms. Shaqueesha a visit. After I was all thought out, showered, and dressed I went over to Shaqueesha's room. When she opened the door it was on. I just moved her out of the way and walked up in her room.
_____""Yo you got a lotta fukkin nerve." I said.
_____""What the fukk is this about Chase?" She asked just as stank as she could be.
_____""You know what this is about. What the fukk was that shit last night with you and Natanya? How you gonna stop her from talking to Sky? Who the fukk you think you are?" I was getting louder and louder with each word.
_____""Fukk you Chase. What happened last night with you and Sky was some bullshit and you know it. Then you gonna have some other hoe coming out your room the same night yall break up? You ain't got no fukkin respect for Sky." She was getting just as loud and I was two seconds from seriously beating her ass.
_____""First of all you ain't got no idea what the fukk happened last night, and secondly you need to stop acting like Sky's fukkin keeper and stay the fukk out our business before you get yo ass beat." I was on fire and Shaqueesha picked the wrong time to get smart.
_____""Get my ass beat? Chase please. There ain't shit you gonna do so why don't you just get on with that bullshit." She said rolling her eyes. I grabbed her up by her shirt.
_____""You fukkin tryin me Shaqueesha and I swear if you say one more fukkin word I'm gonna fukk you up and Sky ain't here to save you this time." I had her pinned to the wall.
_____""Fukk you Chase you ain't shit. Get the fukk off me." She slapped my hand. That was it. I backhanded her so hard I felt my wrist snap. Shaqueesha hit the floor holding the side of her face. I walked to the door.
_____""I fukkin warned you yo. Don't play with me bitch. Now I suggest you stay the fukk outta me and Sky shit before it gets worse than that." I walked out.
_____"I didn't hear shit from Shaqueesha or Sky for like two days after that. It wasn't until the third day, that Wednesday, that Sky came to my room. She was crying. I could only imagine what the fukk this was about.
_____""Sky, what's wrong?" I asked seriously concerned.
_____""Chase I don't believe you. No you did not go and smack Queesha. Please tell me you didn't hit her."
_____"I stayed silent. I didn't want to lie to her but I didn't want to tell her I really did smack the shit out of her friend. My silence answered her question.
_____"Chase…Chase…Oh my God you did. Chase why? What happened? I want to know your side before I start flippin."
_____I explained everything. I told her from the beginning what happened. I told her what really happened with Natanya and how Shaqueesha was acting. I told her what happened when I went to Shaqueesha's room. She was standing there dumbstruck.
_____"Sky what's wrong? Why you looking like that?" I knew Shaqueesha lied on me.
_____"Chase, she said that you just came over and hit her out of nowhere. Just came in flippin and hit her and then left." Sky sat on my bed next to me and put her head on my shoulder. "Chase I don't know what to believe anymore. You lied to me she lied to me. Why can't anyone just tell me the truth?" She was crying even more now. I had to hold her. This was my chance to make shit right, or at least kind of right.
_____"Sky I don't know about Shaqueesha. I told you a long time ago I hated her and she was grimy. But as for me, I never meant to hurt you. I know I fukked up and I lied to you. Sky, I can't take back or change what I did and I'm sorry. But Baby you hafta know that I love you more than anything and its killin me that I hurt you like this." She just shrugged her shoulders and kept crying. I held her closer and continued. "I know what I say probably doesn't mean shit to you right now, but Sky you have to know in your heart that when I tell you I love you its true. I'm so sorry I wasn't able to be the nigga you needed, that I wasn't ready for you. Saturday when we were outside the club and you said all that you said I felt like you regretted ever being with me."
_____She finally spoke. "I don't regret ever having been with you. Chase you're the best thing that ever happened to me despite all the bullshit. I love you like I never loved anybody in my entire life. The only thing I regret is that you weren't ready and you didn't realize it before all the shit happened. Chase I just don't know what to do. I would even let you do what you're going to do just to keep you with me, but I don't know if I can handle that. But I'm willing to try. I can forget about what happened with Tenille. Chase whatever you want. I just can't lose you, but I don't know how to keep you. What did I do to you? Whatever it was I'm sorry." Sky was hurt. The worst shit about it was that she thought that all of this was her fault. Now I really felt fukked up.
_____"You didn't do anything. Trust me you didn't. It was me and I guess selfishness or whatever. I don't know why I can't just be with you only. I tried. I just couldn't do it after awhile. It got to me too bad, but what got to me worse was what it did and is still doing to you. Sky I can't have you and have other chicks too. I wont do that to you. We can't be together. Not like this." It was killing me to say that to her. I wanted to be with her but I couldn't. As much as I loved her I had to walk away.
_____"Chase…"
_____"Sky please. I can't do this to you. Just trust me on this ok. It'll be better for you in the end. I don't know what's going to end up happening but I can't have you stukk like this. You have to just move on. I'm sorry Baby. I love you and that's why I can't hurt you anymore." If there was ever a time I felt so bad it was now. I didn't want to leave her and this was the hardest thing I ever had to do, but I had no choice. How much could I love her if I stayed? Pain is love and because of my love we were both in a tremendous amount of pain.
_____"Ok…I don't understand why it has to be this way. If you love me like you say you do then why aren't I enough? Was there something that I didn't do for you? Chase I'm confused. I didn't see this coming in a million years. I know things with us were shaky because of what happened but I thought we could get past it. I just wanted things back the way they were. I just wanted you to love me like you used to." She was crying so much and my heart was breaking more and more with each tear that she shed.
_____"Sky, listen to me please. It wasn't you. I promise you it wasn't. Sky I'm just not ready. Maybe I should've thought about all this before I made the commitment to you but I loved you so much and wanted to be with you that I tried to just ignore the fact that I wasn't ready. I guess hoping that it would change, but it didn't and I can't ignore it anymore. Tenille was enough. I don't want that to happen again. Call me weak or selfish or greedy, whatever you want because I know its all true. I don't even blame you if you never want to see me again or if even after I'm over this and I want you back for you to just say ‘fukk you'. No matter what you will always be my wife and I will always love you. I just can't give you what you deserve right now. I can't say sorry enough."
_____"Chase I have to go. I need to do some serious thinking, but you know that I'm always yours and when or if you decide to come back to me you can. My door, arms, and heart are always open for you." Sky stood up and walked to my door. "I love you." She didn't wait for me to respond. She just left.
_____I tried for a week to avoid Sky at every cost. I wanted to call her and see her but I knew it would be too hard for both of us so I just tried to stay away from her as much as I could. Trust me it was hard as Hell considering we were in the same dorm. I needed to get away so I decided to go to the club on Friday to catch up with Natanya. I wasn't going to see her for anything sexual, I just wanted someone to chill with who didn't have anything to say about Sky. The last thing I expected was for Sky to be at the bar talking to her. I walked up on the two of them and tried to find out what was going on.
_____"Wassup yall?" I asked like nothing was wrong.
_____"Hey Chase how are you feeling?" Natanya asked smiling.
_____"Hey Chase." Sky said just as non-chalant as I had.
_____"Nah ain't nuffin up. And yeah Nat I'm fine. Thanks."
_____"No problem. I was just making sure you were ok after last weekend." Said Natanya.
_____"Chase, Natanya told me what happened last weekend with Shaqueesha. I told her you already explained and everything was cool and that I didn't have anything against her. I also thanked her for making sure you were ok." Said Sky.
_____"Real? Cool. I'm glad yall cool."
_____"Yeah we are. We been chillin' here just talking about femme shit. Hair, nails, shoes. You know the usual girl talk." Smiled Natanya.
_____"Yeah aiigh. So I'll let yall get back to yappin'." I started to walk away. Sky followed me.
_____"Chase wait." Sky called after me.
_____"Wassup Shorty?"
_____"Nothing. I was just wondering what's been going on with you. I haven't heard from you in days really. I tried to call you but I just keep meeting your phone ringing off the hook."
_____"Nah I been aiigh. Just chillin'. Nuffin wrong." I was lying my ass off. Everything seemed to be wrong. The thing was that I couldn't stand not having her but I felt much better knowing that I couldn't hurt her anymore. I was confused as Hell. I knew Sky, she didn't believe me, but she just said ok anyway.
_____"Ok Papi, if you say everything is cool then I believe you. I was just worried is all. Well I won't hold you from your fun. I'll be around so save me a dance ok."
_____"Aiigh Shorty. I will."
_____"Aiigh. Oh by the way, I told Shaqueesha to kiss my ass and I flipped on her for lying on you. I also told her to forget she knew me and if I seen her talking to you ever again I would kikk her ass." She smiled.
_____Sky walked over to the bar and talked with Natanya for a little while longer before she hit the dance floor. I didn't see Shaqueesha in there at all so I guess her and Sky weren't speaking finally. Praise Moses. At least something good came out of me and Sky's break-up. No more Shaqueesha.
_____The night seemed to roll on by at a rapid pace and Sky found me right before the last song played.
_____"Chase what happened to my dance?" she asked looking at me with those sad eyes. God she looked so innocent and sexy at the same time when she did that shit.
_____"I'm sorry Shorty. C'mon let's dance." I took her hand and led her to the floor. The DJ decided to end the night with the Feelin' On Your Booty Remix. I pulled Sky close and held her waist as she moved her hips to the rhythm. She looked too deep into my eyes and I felt her stare burn a hole into my soul. I couldn't help doing what I did next. I held her closer and kissed her deep and slow. I felt her heart speed up considerably as we kissed. She held me so tight, and then I felt the tears fall. I backed up a bit.
_____"Baby what's wrong?" I asked.
_____"Chase, I missed you so much. It's only been a week and I feel like I'm dying without you. Baby we need to be alone. Come back to my room with me please. I need you tonight like I never have. Please." She was begging me but she didn't have to. I wouldn't have said no. As much as she wanted to be with me I wanted to be with her.
_____"C'mon Baby let's go. I need you just as bad, trust me." I wiped her tears and led her to get our jackets from the coat check. We got in our cars and drove back to campus.
_____We entered Sky's room and threw our jackets on the chair before sitting on the bed. We never even bothered to turn on the lights. They wouldn't be needed. As Sky sat on her bed next to me a feeling that a great weight had been lifted off my shoulders overcame me. I was back with my baby. Even if it was just for one night she was mine again. I held her close and she looked in my eyes.
_____"Baby I missed you." She said sounding like she was going to cry.
_____"I missed you too Shorty." I said as I stroked her face.
_____"Real? No lies?" she asked.
_____"Yeah, real. No lies." I kissed her.
_____That night was special. We made love. No fukking, no sex, it was love, and I felt it. Unfortunately that was the last time, Sky left the next day to go back home. She was having too many problems with the administration and her financial situation. That shit hit me hard. I didn't even know she was leaving. I just walked into her room and seen all her stuff on the bed and her suitcase on the floor with stuff in it.
_____"Sky what the fukk yo?" I asked.
_____"I'm going back home." She said looking at the floor.
_____"What? Going home? Why?"
_____"Sit down Chase."
_____"I sat down like she asked. "Wassup?" I asked.
_____"You know I've been having problems sin'ce I got here and now its just gotten way worse. They dropped all my shit and now they're trying to add more years onto my academic career. I can't afford it. You know my mom is back home and she's sick and can't help me, and the rest of my family has issues with me so I'm pretty much on my own. I can't stay." She explained trying not to cry.
_____"Damn Shorty. That's fukked up, but I guess you don't have a choice. It don't make no sense to go through all that. Well I guess you have to finish packing. I'll leave you alone." I couldn't stand there and watch her pack.
_____"No Chase please stay. I leave in a few hours and I want to stay with you until the last minute. Baby please don't go." Now she was crying.
_____"Aiigh, I'll stay."
_____I helped her pack as much as I could before I had to go upstairs. Apparently the word got out to our little clique because the phone kept ringing and Sky kept telling short versions of the story. A few people wanted her to stop by and say goodbye before she left so I told her to finish packing, say her goodbyes, and come back. When she finished all her rounds, which took her about twenty minutes, she came back to the room. We went through an emotional ride that pretty much left us speechless. All Sky could do was cry and say how much she didn't want to leave me. I couldn't say anything because I was scared that I might cry and I refused to do that. If it was any time she needed me to be the strong one it was now. I knew Sky very well and if I would've shown how bad her leaving was getting to me she wouldn't have left. I just held her close and let her be the one to shed the tears for both of us. At eleven-thirty Sky's ride came. Our friend Neeka came to help us get her downstairs. We put Sky's things in the van and Neeka left me and Sky to say our farewells.
_____"I'm going to miss you." She said trying not to cry in front of everybody.
_____"I'm going to miss you too Shorty."
_____"Real?"
_____"Don't ask me nuffin stupid. Yeah I am. Call me when you get in ok" I hugged her close.
_____"I will."
Neeka's friend beeped the horn. Time was winding down and Sky had to get to the bus station.
_____"Shorty you have to go. Have a safe trip and don't forget to call me aiigh."
_____"I won't. I love you." She said looking into my eyes. I couldn't say it back so I just hugged her and smiled. As she was getting ready to get into the van I took her stuffed Grover from her. I always acted like I hated that stupid toy but somehow it seemed appropriate to let her know I didn't. I took him and kissed him. Her face lit up and she smiled big. She got in the van and I just stood there waiting for her to pull off.
_____"Chase you sure you don't wanna go? There's mad room in there." Asked Neeka.
_____"Nah yo trust me I can't take her. I really can't."
_____"Aiigh I understand." She hugged me and got in behind Sky. I just stood there until she pulled off. Then I walked down the walkway back to the dorm with my head down.
_____Once I got into my room I lay on my bed staring up at the ceiling. So many feelings were going through me at this point that I thought for a minute that I may cry myself, but I wasn't going to let that happen. And now that she was gone I was even more confused than I had been before. I love her, I need her, I want her, but I can't be with her because I can't hurt her. This shit was too much. I never even meant to fall in love in the first place. I don't know what happened. I don't regret loving her and if I could do everything all over again I'm not even sure if I would forsake the path to Sky's heart. Sure we would get hurt again, but I don't think I could live my life never having had her love now that I know how strong it is. I don't think I would ever admit this to anyone else, but I don't have to. As long as I know how I feel then nobody else has to know. Well maybe Sky, but I will tell her in time. It would complicate things way too much if I let her know how I feel about her. At this point I don't even know how I feel about myself so I can't tell her how I feel about her. Love is a bitch. There will never be another in my life like Sky, and I don't want there to be. Sky is my limit.

THE END

Copyright © 2001. Used by permission of author. All Rights Reserved.

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