by
Glitter
_____“So what are you and Lucky doing for your anniversary?”

_____“I think we may just spend a quiet night together.” I replied.

_____“Good, good, good. Your father and I didn’t really get a chance to spend much time alone together. But it’s good for a couple to get the kids out of the house for a while. Re-connect. That’s what Oprah says.”

_____“You need to leave Oprah alone, Mama.” I said laughing. Mama spent most of her days watching her soap operas and talk shows. Daddy had passed away about seven years ago, and at first, I used to try to get her to go to pottery classes, get involved in volunteering or anything that would keep her occupied, but that wasn’t for her. She had worked hard and wanted to spend her remaining years at home gardening, taking care of her new cats, and just enjoy life in solitude. Lucky and I made a point to visit her as often as we could.

_____“Oprah is the richest black woman in America. You best believe I will treat her words as gospel.”

_____I just shook my head sadly. “I don’t know whether to laugh or cry at that, Mama.”

_____“She’s successful, there’s nothing wrong with that. Now, the next time you and Lucky decide to get rid of those children, send them to me, you hear?”

_____And, of course, I shook my head, knowing she couldn’t see me. Lucky and I just didn’t feel right sending Angelina and Miguel to stay with Mama. Mama was getting old too fast. She was starting to get forgetful. If Daddy were still alive, maybe. But not on her own. At least Lucky’s parents were still together and kicking well, even though Sal had his minor health problems. My children were super-hyperactive and sometimes Lucky’s parents couldn’t handle them together, how was I supposed to subject Mama to that?

_____“Yes, ma’am.” I said automatically. One thing I’ve learned in my old age---never express your concerns about someone’s capabilities because of their age. For the past few years I had gotten away with agreeing with her and still doing what Lucky and I felt was best.

_____“You should go away.” Mama said suddenly. “Vacation somewhere. Maybe make me a grandmother again.”

_____“I’m hanging up now, Mama.” To believe she wanted me to have another child at forty-two. What was up with mothers? “I’ll talk to you soon. I love you.”

_____“I love you too, dear. Give everyone my love.”

_____I hung up, crossing that off my mental checklist. Only one more hour to go and I would be in Lucky’s arms, staring into her intense dark eyes that always seem to arrest me. I leaned back in my chair, rubbing my hands together and when I looked down, I was almost startled by the look of them. My hands were the only part of my body that could reflect my true age. Well, honestly that and the numerous strands of grey hair that Angelina and Miguel helped bring about. Before I got pregnant with Angelina, I had absolutely no grey hair whatsoever. And even though Lucky will argue with me until our dying days, I know that my first grey hair produced itself on Angelina’s first birthday, when she reached over and tipped the birthday cake onto the floor. For some reason, the mischievous grin on her face when she looked up at my horrified expression made me realize that I was in for a winding road of a life.

_____But then again, from the moment Lucky and I realized we wanted her, part of me had already realized that.

_____************

_____After coming out to our parents, Lucky slowly bounced back, returning to her normal self…almost. Even though she started to laugh and smile again and look forward to the future we had together, all you had to do was look in her eyes and you can see that she had aged somehow. Family was most important to Lucky and in one swift moment, she had lost hers, and I couldn’t help but feel responsible, since it was me who had wanted for us to come out so badly.

_____But through it all, we somehow managed to pull closer together. We truly had only each other to rely on, and we knew it. So we made sure that regardless of what was going on in our lives, we’d stay grounded and strong. I think what helped us was the fact that we truly were best friends before lovers. We had no problem with being open and honest with each other, and always made sure that communication was a number one priority. And as the years went by and we watched our many friends enter and exit relationships, we would always count our blessings for what we had.

_____By the time my twenty-seventh birthday rolled around, we were living an existence that neither of us expected. It was 1987 and the world was changing around us. Everywhere we looked, we’d see news report on gay rights and equality, and it seemed as if every city was having pride parades or rallies. Even though we had already started to slowly come out to our close friends, and meet other gay couples, it was not the best time to be gay. AIDS was making a large name for itself claiming so many lives, and we’d have to watch politicians or anti-gay activists place us as the number one cause for it all. That one year alone, Lucky and I attended three funerals, saying goodbye to three wonderful men in our circle of friends, who lost their battle to the disease.

_____Even with all the negative publicity, there was a fight in us that made us realize we couldn’t do our usual and run back to the confines of our too-transparent closet, hoping to avoid the backlash. Lucky and I made the conscious decision to stand and be proud of who we were: People in Love. October of that year, we made the trip to Washington to march for Gay Rights. It felt good to walk down the street, surrounded by “my people” regardless of gender, race, or whatever. We all had one thing in common, and we wanted everyone to realize we truly weren’t going anywhere. It was the first major demonstration that Lucky and I had participated in, and by the time it was over, we were exhausted, but felt invigorated and relieved. And a part of me felt like I could let go of the regret over signing that damn petition against the pride parade back in high school.

_____But as liberating as the march was, the one moment that would stand out for us the most, was the unveiling of the AIDS Memorial Quilt. I will never forget the feeling of my heart being still in my chest as Lucky and I walked along the aisles, reading each quilt, making a mental note of each person who was lost but not forgotten. For a moment, all around us was quiet, and all I could hear was nature and the sounds of feet walking as everyone took in the most tragic yet beautiful display ever created.

_____That night back in our hotel room, Lucky and I took a quiet bath together, reflecting on the intense day. I relaxed between her strong legs, my back against her, my head on her shoulder, eyes half closed, feeling her rub the sudsy sponge up and down my arms. Her breathing was so measured that if she hadn’t been moving I would have sworn she was asleep. I decided to let my eyes fully close when I heard her speak.

_____“I love you.” She said.

_____“And I love you.” I said, a half smile playing on my lips.

_____“You are most important in my life, you know that right?”

_____“Yes, baby, I know that. And you know that you’re mine.”

_____“I never want to experience the feeling of not having you in my life.”

_____Something about the tone in her voice gave me pause. I sat up, turning my head to look at her.

_____“Baby, you know I’m with you forever, why are you saying that?”

_____She just took my left hand in both of hers. “I just love you so much. I just need you to know that I need you in my life, Thia.”

_____I turned completely, facing her, placing my legs over hers. I scooted as close to her as possible, kissing her damp lips. “And I need you.”

_____I watched as she lifted my hand to her lips, kissing each finger gently. I could tell she was struggling to say something, but either couldn’t find the words or too nervous to say them. Lucky was a passionate person, but when it came to saying how she felt she would become so vulnerable. Always the person who felt the need to be guarded even when there was no need. Not like she could really guard herself with me. The deep connection we felt as children was even stronger now, and sometimes we never needed words. And right now, I was feeling her anxiety. Whatever was on her mind was so important that it needed to be verbally said, regardless of how vulnerable she felt. And, of course, I’d be patient and let her let it flow when she could.

_____I took my free hand, running it through her curly hair. Her eyes half closed like they always do when I did this. She let her head fall slightly forward, and I kissed her forehead.

_____“You know you can say anything to me.” I said softly. “You’ve been telling me everything since we were children, remember?”

_____“I know.” She lifted her eyes until they met mine. “I wish there was some way I could tell you just what I’m feeling right now.”

_____I placed my hand over her chest. “No need, baby. I feel it.”

_____“That’s what I’m talking about.” Her voice was shaking. “Like, we’re so connected, know what I mean? Sometimes, it feels like we share the same mind. There’s nothing I really have to say to you, it’s like you already know.”

_____“Baby, I feel the same way…”

_____“There is no one else on this earth…damn, in this universe who can reach me the way that you do. We’re meant to be together, Thia, I strongly believe that. I think I knew that from the moment we first met. You just always got to me in a way that no one else could. You were the first person to really stand up to me back then.”

_____“Because you were idiotic enough to make fun of my name.” I kidded.

_____Lucky chuckled. “The best mistake I ever made.”

_____“You’re such a dork.” I teased her.

_____Her eyes grew serious again, searching mine for some answer I wasn’t sure how to give. I just openly stared into hers.

_____Lucky finally broke the gaze, looking over the side of the tub. She reached over, searching for a moment, and when her hand returned, there was a small black velvet box.

_____My breath literally stopped as I watched her open the box and take out a gold ring with a solitaire heart-shaped diamond. I had to bite my bottom lip to hold off the tears as I watched her trembling hand slide the ring onto my ring finger.

_____“You are an amazing woman, Forsythia Waters. I don’t know what I did in my life to deserve God sending you to me, but you’re here. I will always feel like I was lost before I met you.” Her other hand lifted my chin until our eyes met again. Her eyes were glassy with tears, but damn if she didn’t look at all vulnerable at this moment. She looked as if she held infinite strength in her. “I learned who I was and what love was with you. I never want to know how it feels to not have you in my life. You are my best friend, my sister, my soul mate. And now, I’m asking for you to be my wife.”

_____I sat there, staring into her eyes, feeling the weight of the ring on my finger, goose bumps growing on my arms, and not from the temperature of the water growing cold either. I was remembering the conversation we had after we came out to our parents about getting married and having a family, and how we had never talked about it again. But here we were now, and Lucky was proposing marriage.

_____Marriage? For us? But gays didn’t get married. We couldn’t. And have a family?

_____But even with all that going through my mind, I just smiled at her, knowing what was in my heart.

_____“I want to be your wife.” I said, feeling my heart pound so loudly in my ears it was beyond deafening.

_____Lucky’s face brightened as she pulled me into a tight hug, before kissing me passionately. “I love you so much.”

_____“I love you too, Lucky.”

_____She kissed me again, this time more gently, and I could feel the lust in this kiss. She reached around, cupping my ass as she pulled me closer to her, closing her legs, so that I had to fold my legs straddling her as we sat. As her lips trailed down to my neck, one of her hands slipped between our bodies, sliding a finger inside of me, making me gasp.

_____I wound my fingers in her wet hair as my hips rocked back and forth on her fingers, feeling myself become slicker, even in the water. I felt her teeth gently nip at my skin, and my body trembled. She groaned letting her teeth sink into my skin, as she slipped another finger inside me.

_____“Lucky…” I sighed.

_____She was alternating between sucking and biting my neck, making me feel dizzy, as she made love to me. I had my arms wrapped around her shoulders, digging my nails into her flesh, knowing I was hurting her, but secretly knowing that she enjoyed it as well. I started rising and falling on her fingers, and I heard her softly growl as she released my neck, kissing my lips gently, before leaning back against the tiled wall watching me.

_____I could feel myself blush all over as our eyes met, before she let her gaze travel down to take in my entire body as I moved on top of her. She enjoyed this one act so much, something I’m not sure I could truly understand, but, of course, I indulged her anyway. She had one hand on my hip, and I leaned back, resting my hands on the sides of the tub for leverage as I gyrated my hips, riding her fingers. I don’t know what got into me, but as soon as I saw her bite her bottom lip watching where we were joined, I started getting bold, leaning farther back, giving her more access to what she wanted to see. I let one of my hands creep down to my clit and I started to massage it. I could tell Lucky was enjoying it, cuz a soft moan came from her throat, and I could see her nipples harden even more.

_____She eventually couldn’t take it any longer, and she pulled me back to her, crushing her lips into mine as she quickened her hand. Even though it was muffled I was still moaning loudly, the sound of my voice bouncing off the walls of the bathroom, and when I came, Lucky released my mouth and I knew that whoever in room next to ours had to have heard my screams.

_____When I had calmed down, Lucky helped me out of the tub. She had me stand as she dried us both off and we spent the rest of the evening laying in each other’s arms, both of us staring at the ring that would embark our next adventure.

_____Our commitment ceremony was held five months later, in the privacy of our apartment with our closest friends. I had written to my mother asking for her to attend, but her reply of not being able to didn’t surprise me at all. Even though we still had her full support, she didn’t want to rock the boat with Daddy, who still wouldn’t speak to me. Lucky hadn’t even made the attempt to invite her parents. It was, in a way, as if she had kind of buried them in her heart. It was easier for her to not acknowledge their existence to avoid the pain, just as I suspected it was easier for them to do the same. But once a week, before she went to bed, she’d hold her rosary beads in her hands as she prayed and I knew she prayed for their understanding and forgiveness, even if she didn’t want to admit it.

_____But that day will always be a buoy of hope for us. It was as if we defied all the blockades we faced over the past fifteen years.

_____“Do you, Forsythia Waters, take Luciana as your wedded wife and mate for as long as you both shall live?” Asked the Unitarian minister.

_____“I do.” I proudly said, as I held Lucky’s hand tightly.

_____“And do you, Luciana Angelina Maria D’Costa, take Forsythia as your wedded wife and mate for as long as you both shall live?”

_____I could feel her roll her eyes at her full name being mentioned, and I tried to hold back my laughter. She squeezed my hand in answer.

_____“I do.”

_____And then it happened. We were pronounced married. Even though everyone in that room knew that our marriage wasn’t legally binding, it didn’t matter. We had made a vow to love and support each other for the rest of our lives. And nothing could take that away from us.

_____************

_____I think part of me had assumed that being married to Lucky wouldn’t be much different than how it was before. When we returned from our honeymoon at the Pocono’s (which, I might add was an interesting sight since it’s a well-known romantic escape and people couldn’t figure out what two women were doing there), we were back at our apartment, going back to our usual routine. The only physical difference was that we both wore gold bands on our ring fingers. But I couldn’t have been more wrong.

_____Before, we were just lovers…best friend in love…but now we were a married couple. And that had a lot of now visible responsibilities that we just took lightly without thought. Never before had I really worried about Lucky driving during a storm or when she had her migraines if it was something really serious. I found myself worrying over so much, realizing just how restricted we were. The more and more I was digging into our books and accounts, I realized just how little we were protected legally. We had absolutely no rights. If Lucky was seriously injured, I wouldn’t be allowed to see her in the ICU, because I wasn’t a next-of-kin. We each had health and life insurance, but couldn’t share them. We had no choice but to go to a lawyer that one of our fiends referred, who recommended that our only plan of action was to draw up living wills, and specifically designate what we wanted in case a situation happened. Those initial days were a somber occasion, but we pushed through it, knowing we were doing what was best. Separately, we took out safety deposit boxes at the local bank and locked up what was our only trump card for an attempt at a “normal existence”.

_____But soon all that fell away as the years passed. We grew closer as we grew older, watching life around us evolve as such a rate we couldn’t catch up. We watched as high schools started implementing gay/straight alliances, as gay rights were slowly expanding, encouraging us to hold to our dreams that we’d soon be looked at as “just another married couple”. Life was slowly becoming what we wanted it to be. And just as we were completely settling into what we considered was our perfect life together, I wanted to shake it up.

_____“I want a baby.”

_____Lucky literally dropped her coffee mug on the floor and we watched it shatter, splattering coffee on the both of us.

_____“You want a what?”

_____I grabbed the dishtowel starting to clean the mess. “A baby.”

_____Lucky’s eyes widened as she watched me clean. I dropped the broken mug pieces in the trashcan, trying not to directly look at her, in fear of what her eyes would tell.

_____“What brought this on?” She asked.

_____I just looked at her. “Lucky, I’m almost thirty. I have a great career, a great relationship and marriage, and a wonderful home. It’s kinda natural, don’t you think?”

_____“Natural for whom?” Lucky sat at the table, running her fingers through her now brutally short hair. Over the past couple of years, she had started trimming her hair shorter and shorter, until it was barely an inch long, in tight curls.

_____“Natural for us.” I said sitting across from her. “Remember we did say we wanted children.”

_____“Baby, I know, but…I didn’t think it would happen this soon.”

_____“How much later did you think? Lucky, I don’t want to be in my fifties or sixties raising a teenager.”

_____She sighed. “I know, I know. Damn…it just…I don’t know…”

_____“What?” I asked.

_____“You don’t think it’ll be kinda messed up? Us raising kids?”

_____I drew back sharply as if I had been slapped, truly shocked by what she had said. My tone was icy and I knew it. “No, I don’t.”

_____“Baby, don’t be offended. I’m just saying that we have it hard enough as it is. Not sure if I want to bring a child into this. Not sure if it would be fair.”

_____“Why wouldn’t it be fair?” I asked her. “Because we’re gay, we’re not allowed to be parents? Do you think we’re gonna corrupt children just like all those people say? That we’re going to fuck up their heads?”

_____Lucky’s eyes widened. I didn’t curse often. “Baby, calm down. And no, you know that’s not what I think.” She sighed. “I’m just thinking of how other people will treat them, that’s all. I don’t want our kids to suffer because we are who we are.”

_____I relented, my anger fading as I took in her saddened face. I rose from my chair, sitting on her lap. Lucky wrapped her arms around me, resting her head against my breasts.

_____“We are human beings, Lucky. Just like everyone else. And just like everyone else, we’re a little different.” I rested my head on top of hers. “I strongly believe that as long as we have a strong and loving home, our kids will be able to face anything.”

_____She was still silent, but I could tell my words were sinking in. I wasn’t a fool, I knew that deep down Lucky wanted children. She was too family-oriented not to.

_____“Just think of it,” I took her hand, lacing my fingers through hers, “a little bambino crawling around here, screaming, hollering, waking us up all hours of the night. A child of our own to raise and teach to be a respectful and loving person. We can take embarrassing pictures of them and show to all their friends when they’re older.”

_____She chuckled. “That would be nice

_____“We’d be amazing parents, Lucky.”

_____“I know.”

_____I placed my fingers under her chin, raising her eyes to meet mine. “Then let’s do it.”

_____“How? I mean…we’ll have to do that donor stuff.”

_____“So we’ll find a donor. The perfect one.”

_____She smiled wistfully at me. “You know I wish I could do it myself.”

_____We were silent just staring in each other’s eyes. And I could feel the tears welling in mine. I just nodded before kissing her.

_____“I love you.” She said.

_____“And I love you.”

_____She laughed suddenly. “Oh shit, we’re gonna try for this, huh?”

_____I nodded laughing with her. “Yeah, we are.”

_____She just hugged me. “Ok…we’ll go to the doctor and see what we have to do.”

_____What we had to do was spend days sitting through piles and piles of paperwork containing profiles of anonymous donors. My GYN had referred us to a local fertility clinic, who surprisingly was very open to our situation. The doctor who took our case, had dealt with a number of gay couples, and when she rested her hand on mine, stating that they would do all they could to make sure we got pregnant successfully, I got the warmest feeling in the world.

_____But finding a donor wasn’t the easiest task in the world. Both binders we received contained numerous profiles of donors, all under the basic criteria we selected that would resemble Lucky as much as possible. For some reason we thought that would narrow the list greatly, but we still ended up leaving the clinic with two large binders. When I say it took days, I mean it literally took days for us to narrow what were over a hundred possibilities down to the two that we liked the most. Both men were pretty similar; thankfully both were African-American and Italian, both had dark hair and eyes, tall, physically fit, not even the slightest bit of health problems in their family history. It’s just that one was a doctor and the other was a drama teacher, and both appealed to us both.

_____“Just because he’s a doctor doesn’t mean the baby will be any more intelligent, you know.” I said to Lucky. We were lying in bed, looking at both profiles for the umpteenth time.

_____“Never said it would. And just because he’s a drama teacher doesn’t mean the baby will be overly creative.”

_____My answer was to stick my tongue out at her, making her laugh.

_____Lucky wrapped her arms around me, pressing her face to my hair. “Baby, we gotta choose soon. Your next fertility window is next week. If we don’t, then we’ll have to wait till next month.”

_____“I know, I know.” I sighed, scrutinizing both profiles. “Too bad we can’t just look at them, you know? It would be much easier.”

_____“Kinda kills the anonymous factor of it, don’t you think?” She said chuckling.

_____I elbowed her in the ribs. “Lucky, I’m serious.”

_____Her face sobered, “I know, I know. Ok, how about this…read to me their hobbies.”

_____“We’ve already seen their hobbies. We know them by heart by now, don’t we?”

_____She yawned. “I know, but go ahead. Maybe it’ll give us some clue. Maybe we missed something.”

_____Don’t you hate that when one person yawns, it triggers you to as well? I was yawning, my eyes starting to get blurry as I scanned the page for the doctor’s hobbies. “Ok Doctor Man…umm…football, swimming, soccer, tennis, reading, poetry, philosophy, and chess.”

_____“Ok…and Drama Guy?”

_____“Ummm….Martial Arts, basketball, running, boxing, reading, history, movies, theatre…”

_____Lucky suddenly sat up. “What did you say?”

_____“Theatre. Baby, that shouldn’t be surprise, he’s a drama teacher…”

_____“No, no, no, not that.” She took the papers out of my hand quickly scanning them. Suddenly her face lit up. “How come I didn’t notice it before? He’s into boxing! That’s our guy, right there!” She pulled me into a huge bear hug. “Drama guy’s into boxing! We gotta get him!”

_____And that was that. We contacted the clinic to let them know we had finally decided, and the following week we arrived for my insemination. We had the option to do a home insemination, but I was too paranoid that we may make a mistake, so Lucky held my hand and she kissed me all over my face as the doctor did her thing. By the time the procedure was over, I couldn’t wait to go home. Lucky and I spent the remainder of the day, laying in each other’s arms, talking about the future possibilities.

_____We had to wait two weeks to find out if the procedure worked, and too our dismay, the test came back negative. I was crushed, but Lucky had just held me close and promised we’d keep trying until it worked.

_____And try we did. But the tests kept coming back negative, and I was about to lose my mind trying to figure out what was wrong with me. Other gay couples we knew who had children had gotten pregnant on their first or second try, so I couldn’t figure out what I was doing wrong.

_____“You’re not doing anything wrong, Thia.” Lucky’s face was sympathetic, and it only made me feel worse and guilty, because I knew that she too was disappointed. But I couldn’t help it. It was my body that was failing somehow, and it was driving me crazy.

_____By the time we had reached our sixth attempt, I was about ready to give up, telling Lucky we should probably think of adopting, but she wanted to give it one more try, and even the doctor stated that we still had other options to consider as well. Despite their encouraging words and attitudes, I still felt dejected, feeling as if somehow Lucky and I were being punished somehow. But I kept my smile on, following Lucky’s actions. She opted to do a home insemination this time, and I didn’t protest. Like usual, I had taken the day off from work, but since we were staying home this time, I was in a somewhat hedonistic mood and played nudist all day. Lucky catered to me; cooking breakfast and lunch, giving me a full body massage, letting me dominate the television if I wanted to, but I opted to relax in her arms while we read essays from her students on their latest assignments, making me smile.

_____She ordered take out from our favourite Thai restaurant for dinner, setting up a blanket on our bedroom floor, the entire room lit with scented candles, the room filled with my favourite scent, vanilla. We ate leisurely, making fun of each other over silly things, and before I knew it, it escalated into a light food fight, with me tossing pad noodles at her, and she retaliated by pouring soy sauce over my head. I squealed jumping on top of her, and we started to play wrestle, something we hadn’t done since we were kids. At some point, the both of us, naked and completely covered with food, just stared into each other eyes, and I could feel how aroused she was.

_____Lucky laced her fingers through my slick hair, pulling my lips to hers and I could feel myself get wet immediately. It was a rather interesting moment, the both of completely slick, noodles and rice sticking to our bodies as we made love, rolling around on the floor, making a permanent mess of the carpet, but we didn’t care. We soon fell away exhausted, and before I could make a comment about the mess we made, Lucky jumped to her feet, rushing to the bathroom. In a flash, she was back, the insemination syringe in hand. I could feel myself immediately start to tense up, but Lucky silenced me with her lips, her fingers quickly filling me again, and I gave away to the pleasure of it. Suddenly, her fingers disappeared and I could feel myself being filled with the syringe. I braced myself, her lips still sealing mine. When she was done, she finally let go of my lips, staring down into my eyes.

_____“I love you.” Was all she said.

_____“I love you.” I replied.

_____We didn’t even mention it. Lucky drew a bath for me, letting me soak alone while she cleaned up the mess we made. By the time I immerged, the room was clean, and the bed was folded back. I lay in the bed, quietly listening to her shower, deciding that I’d be fine if I couldn’t get pregnant. Lucky and I would just adopt and all would be fine. And besides, there were many children out there who needed homes, and we would be wonderful parents to any of them. I was about half asleep when Lucky finally came to bed. She just gently pulled me into her arms and we ended our day.

_____About three weeks later, I had come home to find Lucky cooking dinner. I wrapped my arms around her waist, kissing the back of her neck.

_____“There’s a present for you on the table.” She said as she poured some sliced vegetables into the wok.

_____I glanced at a large box, wrapped in silver. I cheerfully smiled at her as I started to unwrap the gift. “What’s the occasion?”

_____She shrugged. “Just felt like doing something nice for my wife, does that sound so strange?”

_____“Oh hush up.” I chuckled as I lifted the cover off the box, only to find a smaller box inside. I gave her a quizzical look as I lifted the box, again to find another smaller box. I could feel her amusement as I kept opening boxes to find smaller ones, until the last and fifth box was a little bigger than my hand. When I opened it, there inside was tissue paper, making me finally grin. As I unfolded the paper, I found an antique silver baby rattle. I immediately recognized it as Lucky’s rattle from when she was a baby. It had belonged to her father, before then his mother, and so on. A family heirloom that Lucky was supposed to pass on to her first-born.

_____My eyes lifted, to find Lucky leaning against the counter, arms crossed under her breasts, smiling.

_____“The clinic called this afternoon.” She said.

_____Words seemed to escape me as I just shook my head in disbelief. But she walked over to me, pulling me in her arms, kissing my forehead. “It worked. We’re going to have a baby, Thia.”

_____“Really?” I asked her, the tears finally coming to my eyes.

_____She just nodded.

_____I screamed as I jumped into her arms, wrapping my legs around her waist, kissing her deeply. Lucky held me close, gently rocking us both as we kissed. Tears were streaming down our faces, my unable to believe that it had actually happened and we were going to have a baby.

_____She finally broke the kiss, tilting her head back to look at me. “We’re gonna need a bigger place.”

_____And, for some reason, all I could do was laugh.

_____************

_____Life from then on was pleasurable chaos. I enjoyed every single moment of my pregnancy, Lucky and I staring in utter amazement as my belly grew, containing this little miracle that we would soon be calling us parents. We moved rather quickly, initially planning on finding a larger apartment, but after discussing it, we decided to try for a house. I had left the book store, opening my own that was in a key location near the college campus and Lucky was still teaching, so our income was steady and good, and we managed to be granted a loan. We found a small, three-bedroom cottage house that was only a ten-minute drive from our apartment, and as soon as we walked inside, we fell in love. By then, I was already four months pregnant, and just beginning to show. When I walked into one of the two smaller bedrooms, I noticed a large bay window with a window seat, and just smiled, thinking of this room being our baby’s nursery. Lucky must have read my mind, because she turned to the realtor and just told him that we’d take it.

_____As the months passed by, I was becoming more and more paranoid, calling Mama almost every other day for advice. She was overjoyed with the news of her upcoming grandparenthood, already sending care packages, and little booties and blankets she had knitted. Having her in my life was a major blessing for me, because even though I had Lucky, every woman just naturally needs her mother during this time. One day, when Lucky had gone out to pick up bagels for breakfast, I had asked Mama if she had told Daddy or the D’Costas about the pregnancy.

_____She was silent for a moment, and I knew it meant that she didn’t have good news.

_____“Yes, I did, honey.”

_____“They didn’t take it well.” It wasn’t a question.

_____“No, they didn’t. Your father doesn’t want to talk about it, and it only made Salvatore angry to hear about it. He believes it’s wrong for you two to have children…and I’m too much of a lady to repeat what he said exactly. And you know that Doreen will stand by whatever decision he makes.”

_____That hurt. But I left it at that, not even telling Lucky what I knew, knowing it would only make her hurt more. But not having contact with her family for eight years was hard. It was only natural that she’d eventually want to share this time with them, I knew. But she never breathed a word of desire about it.

_____One day in the beginning of my seventh month, I was at work late, doing inventory, when I felt a sharp pain in my lower back. It was so severe that I had dropped the books I was carrying and had to grab the edge of a table for support, in fear of collapsing.

_____“Thia?” Jimmy was quickly at my side, looking so scared I had to wonder what I must have looked like. “Honey, what’s wrong?”

_____“Back pain.” I gasped as he helped me to a chair. But as soon as I sat down, I felt the pain again, this time worse, bringing tears to my eyes. There was a troubled feeling in my gut, and I remembered Lucky’s mother referring to it as bad Gris-Gris. Something was seriously wrong. “Call Lucky. Quick.”

_____Jimmy didn’t look like he wanted to even leave my side, but he rushed to make the phone call, having to pull Lucky out of class. She arrived in fifteen minutes, panic-stricken, and to see her look so worried only worried me more. We rushed to the hospital, and were told that I was going into premature labour. I felt Lucky stiffen beside me and I just turned my head to bury my face in her chest. I was barely twenty-eight weeks. They gave me medication to slow the contractions, saying there was a great chance of the baby surviving, but they wanted to keep the baby in as long as possible. So I was being kept in the hospital, on bed rest, until the baby was born.

_____I’ll never forget laying in that hospital bed, hooked up to all these machines and watching my baby on the screen. Because of all the tests and monitoring, we had found out the baby was a girl, and I would reach out and touch my daughter’s image, praying that she’d make it. Lucky had no choice but to go back to work, so during my time in the hospital, she’d visit throughout the day, bringing lunch, dinner, books, magazines and whatever she felt I could distract myself with. But nothing could have distracted me from what was going on in my body, and deep down, I think she knew that. But I did my best, trying to work from home, speaking to Jimmy every single day, thanking the gods that he had decided to come work for me when I quit the other bookstore. He had turned out to be a complete godsend to me.

_____I must have been in the hospital for two weeks, when my water finally broke. Lucky had been asleep with me in my hospital room. She hadn’t spent a night home since I had been admitted, and I had actually been awake for a while just watching her finally sleep. Lucky had been so stressed, running from work to the hospital and watching over me that she barely got in more than four hours of sleep at night. She’d spend hours just watching me sleep or pacing the room or the halls, and from the nurses I found out that she had been spending a lot of time on the payphone down the hall, and I assumed she was touching base with friends and work. But that night, as soon as we finished dinner, I made her lay down in the spare bed, and in less than ten minutes she had been fast asleep. I had been thinking about everything: our life together, how we came to be, what turmoil we had faced to be together, only to end up here. And no sooner had that crossed my mind, I felt a quick sharp back pain, a sudden releasing feeling and my thighs were damp. I immediately knew what it was before I had even lifted the blankets.

_____“Lucky.” I said.

_____She sat up immediately, making me remember how much of a light sleeper she was. She took one look at me and I saw dread wash over hers. “It’s happening?” She asked.

_____“My water broke.”

_____“Fuck.” She reached over, giving my hand a strong squeeze before she left to get the nurse.

_____I was in labour thirteen and a half hours. ‘Til this day I would love to know why the baby made such a fuss to get out early, only to take forever to actually come out. Lucky had a mixture of worry and happiness on her face, holding my hand almost the entire time, while I cried, pushed, cursed everyone in the room, pushed, cried some more, pushed, cursed the donor who had to have been a difficult birth and should have included it in his profile, pushed, and cried even more. A few times, I just wanted to toss in the towel. I had expected the pain, but hadn’t anticipated how emotionally draining it would be. But in the end…at 9:20am, a high-pitched scream filled the room, and for some reason, I had this sudden feeling of relief and whatever pain I was in was immediately forgotten.

_____We named her Angelina Akia Waters D’Costa. It didn’t have that magical ring like Lucky’s, and she’d most likely have to endure some heavy teasing when she got older, but it made us feel comfortable. Angelina came into the world screaming from the moment she left my body until they placed her in Lucky’s arms. It was as if she immediately recognized her second mother, because she immediately settled down, and shocking us all, she was fast asleep. I knew right then, she was definitely going to be Lucky’s little girl.

_____About a half hour after I had finally returned to my room, I was ready to pass out myself, but I wanted to wait for Lucky who had to disappear for a moment, probably to start calling every person she knew to announce the good news. I had talked the nurse into letting me hold the baby for a while instead of going to the nursery, because I just couldn’t let her go. I was trying to memorize every feature she had, knowing full well, by this time next week they’d all be slightly different. But I was so caught up in watching her sleep that I didn’t hear the knock on my door.

_____It opened, and the first thing I saw was Lucky walking in, with a somewhat timid look on her face. I had immediately brightened when I saw her, but my face immediately fell when I saw that she wasn’t alone. Behind her, stood both of my parents and the D’Costas.

_____I was speechless. My eyes couldn’t leave Daddy’s face as he gingerly made his way into the room towards my bed. He had seriously aged. The past eight years had not been kind to him. When I saw him last, my father had a full head of rich black hair, with a few sprinkles of grey at the temples, but now, he was balding, the majority of his hair had gone white, and his posture was a little off as he walked. But he still had the strong, bold face as he openly looked into my eyes. I wasn’t sure what to say to him. Part of me wanted to fall into his arms as if I was a little girl again, but the other half wanted to punch him so hard for abandoning me when I needed him the most, and that was the emotion that was the strongest…but I had to remember Angelina in my arms.

_____“Forsythia.” Mama walked around Daddy and came over to me. I immediately warmed up to her kiss and hug, enjoying being able to see the face that had been denied to me for so many years. Mama had aged as well, but time had been more kind. She still had her rich dark brown hair, only streaked with gray, and her face still looked as youthful as it did the last time I had seen her. I welcomed her touch, feeling the tears run down my face.

_____“Oh my, look at her.” Mama gently touched Angelina’s forehead. “She is absolutely breathtaking. May I hold her? What is her name?”

_____“Angelina.” I said softly, as I finally relinquished my hold on her. I watched Mama carefully cradle Angelina in her arms, softly crooning to her. I wanted to smile. I wanted to enjoy the fact that my mother was here, by my side, where I’ve needed her. But I couldn’t. Because I had to face Daddy and the D’Costas.

_____But most importantly, I had to face Lucky.

_____She knew. Oh, she knew. As soon as my eyes settled on her, she forced a grin and she sat beside me on the bed. “Baby…”

_____“Thia.” Mr. D’Costa interrupted Lucky. His voice had grown raspier over time, probably from all the cigar smoking, yet I still could sense the warm comfort in it that I grew to love as a child. What surprised me was seeing him lovingly rest his hand on Lucky’s shoulder to silence her as he spoke. “I know that this ain’t the time for big surprises. You just went through hell and back, and we know you’re tired and you need your rest. But there are some things that need to be said.”

_____He sighed, looking to his wife for a moment, before setting his gaze back on Lucky and me. “You might have just givin’ birth and all, but you’re parents and you’ll understand this. I knew that that as soon as my eyes settled on my lil Luciana, I started having all these hopes and dreams for her. That’s what you do as parents, you see. You look at this little moving person in your hands and realize you gotta protect and care for them, get what I’m sayin’? I bet you already thought of what this kid can be when she grows up.”

_____Against my will, I just nodded, knowing I had already pictured Angelina as a famous actress, a doctor, working for the Peace Corps, or hell, even the President.

_____“You don’t want to make decisions for them, but you end up havin’ your own dreams for them. And…one of those dreams is seein’ your daughter walk down the aisle. Gettin’ married, havin’ babies, doin’ all the stuff you probably couldn’t do yourself. You see, you’re parents and me and Doreen already had those dreams for you two. We ain’t sayin’ that we weren’t gonna let you two do what you wanted to do with your lives, but…the lifestyle that you two are in just wasn’t part of the picture whatsoever.”

_____“You two are in a lifestyle that’s very hard for people to swallow.” Mrs. D’Costa said sitting on the bed, taking Lucky’s hands in hers. “We’re talking about going against a lot of personal faiths, personal beliefs, personal ethics. We stand by how we feel about it…Luciana, we wish to God that you weren’t. We would rather a more stable existence for you, only because we know that it will not be easy for you. Don’t think that we don’t love you, or that we stopped loving you. We just needed to realize that this is your life, and that we didn’t do anything to cause you to be this way. We’re just sorry that it took us so long to realize it.”

_____As tears fell down her face, Lucky was gripping her mother’s hands so tightly as if she was afraid Mrs. D’Costa was going to suddenly change her mind and snatch her hands away. “Ma, we’ve already seen how hard it can be. But we can’t help who we are or how we feel.”

_____“I know, baby.” Mrs. D’Costa smiled through her own tears. “And if push comes to shove, in the end, I want you two to be happy and in love with people you trust unconditionally who will love you in return. And if you are it to each other, then so be it.”

_____“Pop?” Lucky asked, turning to look at him.

_____He sighed, leaning over and planting a kiss on her forehead. “Kiddo, I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t feel that way. Your ol’ man can be stubborn and I’ll admit that I was an idiot…and I treated you unfairly, and for that, I’m sorry. You’re my one and only, Luciana. I made the biggest mistake of my life and I only have myself to blame for that. But you gotta understand, we all come from old-school thinkin’. But in the end, your love for your child is what should be your priority. If we didn’t love you, we wouldn’t have come when you called.”

_____“You called them?” I asked Lucky, my eyes wide with surprise.

_____“She was so worried about you and the baby. She called me for advice on what to do to help you.” Mama said softly. Angelina had fallen asleep in her arms. “As soon as we heard that you were having complications, we came as quickly as we could.”

_____“We only wish you could have called as soon as you were admitted.” Mrs. D’Costa had taken a handkerchief from her purse and was dabbing at her eyes.

_____“We didn’t want to worry you.” I said looking at Mama. Although I had desperately wanted and needed to at least hear her voice, I knew that it would only worry her more because she couldn’t be by my side.

_____“None of that matters anymore.” Mr. D’Costa said. “We all talked in the car on the way up here, and we’re gonna do right by you two. And our new little one.” He added grinning at Mama and the baby. “We’re a family, and it’s time we started acting like one again.”

_____Hearing that made me finally turn to look at Daddy who still hadn’t spoken a word. He was standing behind Mama, looking from Angelina to the floor. I had never seen Daddy look so nervous. His hands were stuck deep into his coat pockets, looking so ashamed…as if he had been a little boy recently scolded. It was then that I realized my father needed me to make the first move. He didn’t know how to really apologize.

_____“Daddy,” I said, “what do you think of her?”

_____His head snapped up in surprise at hearing my voice, and I saw tears in his eyes. He just smiled, brushing them away, glancing at Angelina again before his eyes locked with mine. “Baby…she’s beautiful. You did good…you two did good.”

_____And strangely enough…that was all he needed to say.

_____************

_____“Knock, knock.”

_____I opened my eyes, my gaze settling on the sexiest woman I have ever seen. Dressed in a plaid button-down shirt and slacks, she casually strode into my office, carrying a large bouquet of red roses. I watched her close the door behind her, locking it, before coming over to my desk. She leaned over, planting a kiss on my forehead before kneeling before me, placing the bouquet on my lap.

_____“Happy Anniversary.” She said.

_____“Lucky.” I whispered, leaning forward to kiss her gently on the lips. “I have so missed you today.”

_____“And I missed you.” She said between kisses. “It was so hard for me to have to deal with kids and correcting homework and all that other mess when all I wanted to do was kidnap you and make love to you all day.”

_____“That sounds so perfect.” I stared into her dark eyes. “I just have to do one more thing and I can go.”

_____She playfully pouted. “Thia, you own the joint, what do you have to do that can’t wait ‘til Monday or one of the others can’t handle?”

_____“Be patient.” I winked at her, as I finished signing some paperwork. As I was working, I felt her hand sneaking up my skirt, her fingertips grazing my skin through the nylon of my stockings.

_____“Lucky…” I warned.

_____She gave me a mock look of surprise. “What?” But her eyes betrayed her, showing the wicked thoughts she was having. And don’t you know, I didn’t really want to do anything about it. I let her hand reach up till it cupped my crotch through my panties, and I just sighed, feeling her fingers find my clit through the fabric, massaging it.

_____“Positively evil.” I just said as I finally dropped my pen, turning to face her. She immediately pulled me forward, claiming my lips passionately. I wrapped my arms around her neck, my fingers playing in her hair, losing myself. I felt her hands slide away, reaching around me until she could grasp my butt in her hands, and I raised my legs, wrapping my legs around her waist. She suddenly got to her feet, lifting me with her. She turned to sit me on the desk, pushing anything that was in the way aside and onto the floor.

_____“You wouldn’t…” I taunted her.

_____Her eyes flashed with arousal. “You’ve known me for a full thirty years, Thia, you should know me by now.” She leaned over me, unbuttoning my blouse quickly, kissing my flesh as it came into view. My bra had a hook in the front, and Thia released it with one hand, and as soon as my breasts spilled out, she pounced on them, greedily sucking one nipple into her mouth as she tormented the other one with her hand. I was trying to suppress my moans to not alert anyone outside the room, but I was so failing.

_____She released my nipple, staring into my eyes daringly. “Remember our conversation on the phone earlier?”

_____I stared at her quizzically until memory kicked in and my eyes widened. “You wouldn’t…”

_____She winked at me as she stood upright, pulling me with her. She helped me off the desk, than quickly spun me around, bending me over.

_____“Lucky, we can’t.” I whispered.

_____“Yes we can.”

_____“Not in my office.” I could feel her hiking my skirt up to my waist, and she was pulling my pantyhose down my hips and legs.

_____“I think your office would be perfect. We should have christened it years ago.” I felt her get to her knees behind me.

_____“What if someone comes to the door?”

_____“Then we’ll ignore them. Or if you want, you can try to talk to them through the door. That would be actually quite interesting to see.” She was pulling the crotch of my panties aside, exposing my wet pussy.

_____“But Lucky…oh sweet Jesus…” I sighed as soon as I felt her lips on me. She was planting kisses on the swell of my ass before her tongue started licking the path between my cheeks, making me shiver. I closed my eyes, feeling my bare breasts press into the wood of my desk, as I felt Lucky finally pull my panties down as well, her fingers parting my lips, and her tongue entered me. I couldn’t spread my legs like I wanted to, because my pantyhose and panties were bunched right above my knees, so I had to settle for tipping my ass up, spreading as much as I could to get more of Lucky’s tongue in me. As soon as she felt me give in, I felt her hands grip my ass cheeks, roughly pulling me to her and she literally started to devour me, leading me to the sweetest feeling ever possible.

_____About a half hour later, I was curled up on Lucky’s lap as she sat in the chair, my head against hers, just relaxing in the afterglow of our lovemaking. She was completely dressed, I had abandoned my undergarments, my skirt still hiked up to my waist, blouse still unbuttoned and she was casually playing with my still hardened nipples.

_____“What do you want to do tonight?” Her voice was soft and mellow.

_____“Not move from this spot.” I replied, making her chuckle.

_____“We should probably eat something.”

_____“You’re not already full?” I asked teasingly.

_____She laughed aloud. “I know, I should be, huh? But no really, I was thinking we could go out somewhere nice.”

_____I thought it over for a moment. “You know, that sounds wonderful, but…I just want to be alone with you tonight. No one else.”

_____“Perfect.” She said. “We should probably start moving so we can get home.”

_____“Not yet.” I yawned. “Wanna just stay like this for a little bit longer.”

_____“Ok.” She couldn’t escape the addictive yawn herself, tightening her hold on me. “Just for a few more minutes, ok?”

_____I just nodded, not wanting to speak. But before I could just relax, I felt Lucky take one of my hands. I opened my eyes to watch her draw an “X” in my palm before kissing it. “You’re a special lady, Forsythia D’Costa. You have my heart forever.

_____Remembering our childhood vow, I just smiled as I took her hand in mine and did the same. “And you have mine, Luciana D’Costa. Forever.”

The End

Copyright © 2003. Used by permission of author. All Rights Reserved.