by
Glitter
_____“Happy Anniversary, Thia!” Shane, one of my employees, walked into my office, huge grin on her face. She sat on the edge of my desk. “What have you and Lucky got planned for tonight?”

_____“You know us, just going to relax.”

_____Shane shook her head as she pulled her mass of red curls back into a ponytail. “After twenty-five years, girl, you two deserve more than just relaxing.”

_____I nodded. “I hear you. But then again, relaxing is something we don’t get to do often. I’m looking forward to a quiet evening.”

_____“So the kids are gone, I take it?” She asked.

_____“They’re with Lucky’s mother.”

_____Shane’s grin got even wider. “Ahh, I get it. Kids gone, got the house to yourself, ready to do some freaky deaky stuff?”

_____“Shane you’re impossible, girl.” I just waved her off and I heard her laughter as she walked out of my office. She was still in her early twenties, and thought that after two children, a mortgage, and twenty-five years, that we would still have the energy to do the freaky deaky stuff. I’d settle for a night of pure silence, a glass of Chardonnay, and probably a little of Lionel Richie.

_____My eyes shifted to the antique silver framed photo on my desk. The four of us; Lucky, me, and our two children, Angelina and Miguel. It was taken while we were at Disney World for my fortieth birthday, in front of our favourite ride, the Tea Cups.

_____I reached out and touched Lucky’s image. I am in love. Completely, devotedly, and faithfully in love. This woman is the most amazing thing that has happened in my life. From the moment my eyes open in the morning to when I close them at night, she’s always on my mind. There is absolutely nothing I wouldn’t do for her. She’s my life. It seems that I was reborn the moment I first lay eyes on her, because I can’t really think about my life before I even met her. My life just seemed uneventful and without purpose. I truly believe that being with her is some kind of miracle. And I remind myself of that every day.

_____Times are so different now, I thought as I still stared at the photo. I remembered when there was a time I wouldn’t even dare have Lucky’s picture on my desk, much less mention her at my job. Things were so different from when Lucky and I first fell in love. So, so much different. We used to dream of days like this, when we could be seen as a “normal” couple. When we wouldn’t have to hide, or try to think of excuses when people noticed how affectionate we were towards each other, or when we were asked, “Why don’t you have a boyfriend?”

_____I chuckled to myself, thinking of how creative Lucky and I would get. Like the time when we were seventeen and Lucky’s father caught us necking in their basement. He had made it to the middle of the stairs and saw us holding each other. Lucky was half turned away from the door, so he couldn’t see that I was nibbling on her ear. When his thundering voice boomed, asking what we were doing, Lucky suddenly pinched the back of my neck, making me cry out.

_____“Her boyfriend dumped her and she’s all upset over it.” She said quickly.

_____I caught on, faking sobbing noises, and I could see that he looked uncomfortable, so he apologized for interrupting and went back upstairs. Lucky had to kiss me to muffle the sounds of my laughter.

_____For awhile, it was hard. Longer than awhile. Try a good fifteen years of hard, rough times that made us just want to give up sometimes. But we never did. Even through all the name calling, battles with our families, and the obstacles to have Angelina and Miguel in our lives…it was all worth it.

_____Being with her was always worth it.

_____I met Lucky back in ’72. When my parents were still deciding on buying the house, we were told by the realtor that it was a richly diverse, multi-cultural, and close-nit neighbourhood. Where everyone knew everyone. To Mama, that meant that everyone was in everyone else’s business. But to Daddy, it meant safety. It was the early ‘70s, and all Daddy wanted was a neighbourhood that we could feel safe in. And as we toured the house and property, he counted four black families on the block, and all the kids were playing in the front yards, full of smiles and laughter. He signed the papers immediately.

_____It must have been our second day there that I met Lucky. I was sitting on our front lawn, reading Tales of a Fourth Grade Nothing, when I heard a squeaky noise. I looked up to see a girl riding a bike up the street really slowly, kind of just cruising. To me, she looked a little odd. She looked black, but she had an extremely light complexion, almost as if she was white but had a really good tan. As she passed our house, she gave me a serious look, then paused her bike.

_____“Who are you?” She asked.

_____“Forsythia Waters.” I said, kind of wary, because she had a real mean look on her face.

_____“What kind of stupid name is Forsythia?” She asked rudely, making up her face.

_____I got defensive, crossing my arms underneath my non-existent breasts. “I’m named after my grandmamma.”

_____“Someone musta been drinking when they named her. It sounds like a stupid flower or somethin’.” She said.

_____I didn’t know what to do or say, except jump to my feet and push her off her bike. I stood over her screaming, “Don’t you dare talk about my grandmamma or my name like that again!”

_____She jumped back up, and I didn’t see her fist come at me, but I felt it connect with the side of my face. I must have blacked out for a moment, because when I opened my eyes, I was looking up at her towering over me. “And don’t you ever lay a hand on me again! I don’t let the boys around here beat on me, and I sure ain’t gonna let no girl beat on me either!”

_____I slowly got to my feet, rubbing my cheek as I stared at her. “Don’t talk about my name.” Was all I could think to say.

_____She just gave me a once over, before breaking out in laughter. I stared at her blankly for a moment before I started to laugh too.

_____It was an odd beginning, but it was the start of a great friendship. From the beginning it was as if Lucky had staked some claim on me, introducing me to everyone as her friend. I wasn’t certain if she was considered a friend yet, but I never said anything. I soon learned that Lucky was the type of person that liked things her way. She liked being the boss and the centre of attention. She was tough. Way tough. I found out pretty quickly that she was the bully of the neighbourhood. Not that she went around picking fights with everyone. She was just genuinely the toughest kid in our neighbourhood. From the other kids, I found out that her father used to box, and had a training area set up in their basement. Lucky used to watch him practice so often, that he offered to teach her the basics, against her mother’s many protests. So, when she put up her fists, she knew what she was doing. And she put them up often.

_____Lucky was kind of a wonder for me. I had never met a biracial person before. My mother said that Lucky was an example of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr’s dream.

_____“She’s proof that people can come together and love each other despite their differences.” She told me. “I bet a lot of people give her havoc over it. Whatever you do, treat her just as you’d like to be treated.”

_____And it was true. When I was enrolled in school, I ended up in the same seventh grade class that she was in. The school was mixed, but with mostly black students, and I noticed a lot of kids jeering her, calling her an Oreo cookie, or calling her confused. This one boy, Timothy Jackson, took to calling her “white girl” whenever possible. But it was all inside school. Because I noticed that as soon as the last bell rang, everyone shut up quickly and just went home, because outside of school Lucky could get you.

_____“I don’t care anyway.” She said one day as we walked home from school. “I’m used it. I’ve heard it all my life, and Pop said I’ll probably hear it ‘til the day I die. I just gotta ignore it.”

_____I don’t know how you can ignore something like that, but somehow she managed. But she had good role models too. The day I met her parents was a serious treat for me. Lucky’s father, Salvatore, was Italian, straight from good ol’ Brooklyn, as he’d always say. Her mother, Doreen, who was black, was from New Orleans. They had met, fallen in love, and got married in one night, during Mardi Gras.

_____“As soon as I lay eyes on her, I knew she was the one for me.” Mr. D’Costa said as he puffed on his cigar. “She was on stage, singin’ like a canary, and through all that loud mess in the bar, all I could hear was her.”

_____Lucky rolled her eyes. She’d later tell me that every time her parents met one of her friends, he’d tell that story.

_____“Yep, that’s my Doreen. More beautiful than an angel, may God forgive me for saying so. No woman can touch my Doreen in the looks department. That’s where Luciana gets her looks from, definitely not from my ugly mug.”

_____“You’re as handsome as the day I met you.” Lucky’s mom said as she kissed the top of his head before walking into the kitchen.

_____“Luciana?” I asked her softly so only she could hear me. “And you made fun of my name?”

_____“Shut up.” She said, but she was smiling. “I’m named after my grandfather, Luciano.” She turned to her father. “Grandpa Lucky boxed too, right, Pop?”

_____His smile deepened. “Yeah, my ol’ man could knock them out faster than Ali, I’d say, but his heart wasn’t really into it. It’s a tradition in our family. His father boxed, he boxed, I boxed, and now my little Lucky.”

_____“Girls don’t box.” Lucky’s mother walked back into the living room, carrying a tray of ice tea and cookies. “You know I don’t like her boxing, Sal.”

_____“It’s tradition!” He cried. “Don’t care if she’s a girl or whatever. Tradition’s tradition. And when Lucky has her own kids, one of them will box too.”

_____“I ain’t having kids.” Lucky said. “I told you that.”

_____“Whateva.” He reached out and tussled her hair. “You’re gonna have kids, and they’re gonna box. It’s tradition. Capisca?”

_____“Yeah, yeah, I understand.” She said, pushing his hand away. But that’s how I understood Lucky’s passion for family, loyalty, and tradition. She was a lot like her father. Actually, Lucky was more like her father than her mother. And regardless of what her father said, Lucky looked more like him too. She was about a shade darker than her father, but she had his dark, mysterious eyes, long, straight nose that seemed a little too large for her face, strong squared chin, and his thick, long, curly black hair. The only trait from her mother that I could see that Lucky inherited was the high cheek bones that softened the strong features from her father, thankfully making her look more feminine. Not that anything could make her look really feminine. Lucky didn’t like looking girly. She felt that girls acted weak, and with her history of fighting, wearing dresses and skirts would only hurt her.

_____“I ain’t gonna have my dress flying up all over my head while I’m kicking someone’s ass.” She told me flatly.

_____She was a total daddy’s girl. She spent some time with her mother, but would rather pal around with her father. They would spend hours watching sports, or he’d take her to the racetrack for a little horse betting. He always said it was just playing around, but Lucky would show me money that he’d give her after their time at the track. If she chose the horse and it won, they’d split the winnings 50/50. One time she came home with almost a hundred dollars in her pocket. But it didn’t last long because her father took the bulk of it and put it away in her savings like he always did.

_____But there were times when Mr. D’Costa would look at her and realize that she was indeed a girl.

_____“Why don’t you make your daughter wear more dresses or somethin’, Doreen? She’s lookin’ too much like a boy.”

_____“Oh, when you want her to wear a dress somewhere nice, she’s my daughter, but when she knocks some fifteen year-old boy out cold, she’s your daughter.” Lucky’s mother would always answer, making us laugh, and making Mr. D’Costa turn red.

_____Lucky’s tough image did soften a little bit the older we got. When we got to high school, the boys stopped teasing her and started taking notice of her beauty. Her face matured, now a little wider, not only accommodating her nose, but complimenting it. She developed full lips, and her cheekbones just made her look like a model. But that strong, squared chin stayed, making her still look tough. Lucky was the first girl in our class to reach puberty. And puberty hit her hard. In beginning of eighth grade, she was in a training bra like most of the other girls in class. But by the end of eighth grade, she was already sporting a B-cup. Lucky was big-boned during her childhood years, and somehow, when we reached high school, she had hips, and what she called a hassock of an ass. She hated it.

_____“What the hell is this?” She cried one day while we were in her room.

_____“What?” I asked absentmindedly. I was listening to Kool & The Gang’s new song Jungle Boogie on the radio.

_____She turned to face me, and I could see why she was upset. Her bra was so snug, that the tops of her breasts bulged out, threatening to spill over. “This is freakin’ crazy! Ma just bought this bra last month. What am I gonna do, keep growing cans until I’m fifty?”

_____“They’ll stop growing at some point,” I said eyeing her breasts. They really were growing kinda fast, but it looked nice on her.

_____“Thia!” Lucky waved her hand, forcing my eyes back up at her. A few months after we had met, she basically had given me the nickname without asking me if I liked it. At first, I hated it, but it had grown on me.

_____“What?” I asked.

_____“What are you staring at them for? I know they’re huge, but damn.” She made a face, then turned back to the mirror.

_____I just shrugged, going back to the radio, but out of the corner of my eye, I saw her pull off the bra and try on another one. Her breasts just looked amazing to me. They were more than a handful, with large, soft brown aureoles that seemed to take up the majority of each breast, and her nipples stood firm and pointed directly out. Then my eyes traveled downwards, and I took in her whole body. I wasn’t sure when it happened, but somehow, Lucky got an hourglass figure. She didn’t have a tiny waist like the models in my favourite fashion magazines, but it was somewhat slender, then sloped down to her wide hips and butt. She had a total Marilyn Monroe figure.

_____Then I felt my heart kind of skipped a beat in my chest, and I forced my eyes completely away from her. I chalked it up to envy, since my own body was still somewhat undeveloped yet.

_____Little did I know…

_____***_______________***_______________***_______________***

_____“Happy Anniversary, Thia.” More hugs and cheek kisses. This time from Jimmy, my oldest and dearest friend who had been working with me since the beginning. Jimmy was a total flamer. All he’d have to do is take two steps and smile, and you already knew that he was as gay as they could get. But he was sweet, and I loved him.

_____“Thank you, Jimmy.” I said, glancing at the clock. Almost two hours and I’d be on my way home.

_____“This is such a triumphant time.” He said, clasping his hands together and sporting a huge smile. “Our people don’t stay together for too long. Twenty-five years, Thia. That’s amazing.”

_____I couldn’t help but smile myself. It was true. I saw a lot of kittens (that’s what I call young lesbians) run in and out of relationships so fast, I’m surprised they didn’t have rotating doors for their bedrooms. So many couples end their relationships at the drop of a hat over trivial things. “My girlfriend looked at another girl”, “I got bored”, and “We got into a huge fight”. From what I saw, the average lesbian relationship could last anywhere from two months to two years. It was sad really. So many of these kittens expect perfection once they realize they want to date women, thinking that a woman is definitely going to treat them better than a man.

_____Well, surprise, surprise, kittens. Women are no different on some levels. We have our players, our cheaters, our liars, our users, etc. And just like heterosexual relationships, gay people have to work hard at making their relationships work as well. Just because you don’t have a law-binding marriage certificate doesn’t mean that you don’t have an obligation to try to make things work. If Lucky and I had given up when times got rough, I don’t know where we would be now. But then again, younger people don’t have a sense of family and respect for love like people of my generation do. You don’t give up on everything just because it seems hard or all the answers aren’t there. Things do take time to develop. You can’t expect this person to be your perfect mate right off the bat. You need to take the time to get used to each other, get to know each other, learn to really love each other. And before you know it, they are a part of your life forever. At least that’s how Lucky and I feel.

_____But then again, Lucky and I had the time to get to know each other. Friends first. We knew just about everything about each other, that by the time our feelings for each other started to progress, we already had that familiar comfort with each other.

_____It took years for our feelings towards each other to develop. To this day, I still can’t pinpoint the time when I realized that my feelings for Lucky changed from just friendship love to romantic love. We spent just about all of our free time together; hanging out, going to the movies, eating out, or whatever. And by the time we were allowed to date boys, we would always double date.

_____Lucky hated the dating ordeal. She was good-looking enough that boys would chase after her, but once she finally decided to deal with them, she didn’t know what to do with them.

_____“They want to get all touchy-feely.” She’d tell me. Lucky was three months older than I was, so she hit fifteen first and was able to date. “I just want to watch the movie, not have to deal with boys putting their hands down my pants.”

_____“They do that?” I asked, wide-eyed.

_____She nodded. “Well, they try. As soon as the lights went dark in the theatre, Christopher put his arm around me and pulled me close,” She began, talking about the boy she had a date with last, “then his hand started reaching for my breast, and I had to keep slapping it away. Eventually, I just told him to pretend that I’m a amusement park ride: keep all hands in your seat.”

_____I broke into a fit of giggles.

_____“And they always want to kiss you. And not those nice ones either. They want to shove their tongue down your throat.”

_____“Ew!” I exclaimed, thinking about it. We saw people French kissing all the time in movies, but the actual idea of doing it seemed kinda gross. “What does it feel like?”

_____She shrugged. “Like someone’s putting their tongue in your mouth.”

_____I just shook my head. “That doesn’t really help.”

_____She just sighed and moved over to wear I was sitting. “Ok, close your eyes.”

_____“For what?”

_____“I’m gonna do it to you.”

_____“Ew!”

_____“Thia, there’s no way I can really explain it.”

_____“Okay, okay.” I sat upright, not sure of what to do. But I just closed my eyes.

_____“Okay, I’m gonna do it now.” She said.

_____I heard the bed creaking under her weight as she leaned closer to me, then I felt her lips against mine. They felt soft, almost like a rose petal (I know because roses are my favourite and I’ll spend forever just smelling them). I couldn’t believe that I was being kissed. This was my first kiss ever. And for a moment, I was kind of sad that it wasn’t with a boy, but since I wasn’t sure what I was supposed to do, I was glad it was Lucky.

_____ Then I felt her pushing her lips a little harder against mine, then her lips parted. I felt her, soft, wet tongue against my lips, just rubbing back and forth.

_____She then pulled away. “Thia, you gotta open your mouth. Or at least relax it, your lips are so tight together.”

_____“That’s gross.” I said, still feeling a little breathy from the kiss.

_____“That’s what they do. Do you want to know or not?”

_____I just nodded and closed my eyes again.

_____When her lips pressed against mine again, this time I relaxed my lips. I felt her tongue caressing me again, and when it pushed forward, I let my lips part and I felt her tongue slide into my mouth.

_____At first, I wasn’t sure what to do at all. Her tongue was just moving in my mouth, kind of rubbing against my tongue and teeth, but then, for some reason, I started kissing back, letting my tongue play with hers. I didn’t know what I was doing; just letting my instincts take over, I guess. I could feel my heart start pounding in my chest, and my hands started feeling all clammy. But I didn’t stop her, because it started to feel good.

_____For about five minutes, I think we just lost ourselves in our little experiment, and just sat there enjoying our first kiss. It was when we heard Lucky’s front door, signaling her father was home, that we pulled away, staring at each other awkwardly.

_____“It’s not so bad, I guess.” I finally said.

_____She shook her head. “No, not really.”

_____“Then why do you say you hate it when the boys do it?” I asked her.

_____She shrugged. “I dunno. It felt different this time.” She then moved away and changed the subject.

_____But that wasn’t the end of it. By the time I started dating, and dealing with the same issues myself, I was completely terrified. Eventually we just started experimenting with each other on a regular basis. Since Lucky was more experienced, she’d do all the teaching. We’d spend afternoons just kissing and petting each other. At first, we did keep with the excuse that it was experimenting, but let’s get real, after a few weeks, I was pretty confident at what I was doing when I went out on dates. But we just somehow liked doing it together.

_____By the time I hit sixteen, I was kind of leading a double life. Both Lucky and I had steady boyfriends, Kareem and Lucas, who we genuinely liked and didn’t mind the four of us hanging out together. Eventually the boys started to notice that we rarely spent time apart—-each couple on its own. Our parents had trusted us to be able to date alone, but Lucky and I would just rather date together. The few times that I went out on a date with Lucas—-just the two of us—-I was a nervous wreck. I was always wary of him wanting to be intimate. I tried to stay away from going to the movies, where I became to realize was one of the ultimate spots for making out, opting to eat out at the pizza parlor or anywhere that had lots of people around and was well-lit.

_____When Lucas got his first car, the first thing he had told me was that he wanted to drive up to the top of the cliff that was known as Lover’s Lane, the total make out spot, I immediately realized I didn’t want to go. But you can’t keep inventing reasons to not spend alone time with your boyfriend, and I relented. And as soon as we parked, Lucas was all over me; kissing me, his hands already reaching under my top to feel my breasts. I would close my eyes and just try to deal with it, all the time thinking that it didn’t feel as nice as it did with Lucky. But then I soon realized that when I thought of Lucky, these times were easier to handle. Eventually, whenever Lucas wanted to make out, I’d picture I was with Lucky instead and I’d be ok. But I still couldn’t let him do so many things that he wanted to do, but he respected my limits, and in the back of my mind, I’d wonder why, since some of the things I had already done with Lucky.

_____We’d have our date nights, but the times I really looked forward to were the nights Lucky would sleep over my house or when I slept over hers. We never really talked about it at first, but just naturally let things happen with us. I think we knew that it was no longer experimentation, but we weren’t really sure of what was going on, except that it felt nice. We’d spend hours just laying in each other’s arms kissing and touching or just holding each other. Lucky was more bold and she’d always be the first to touch me in a new way or kiss me somewhere new. We were still trying to keep things modest, never taking our clothes off or really seeing each other’s bodies; always touching each other under our clothes.

_____I think we were nearing the middle of our senior year when I finally mentioned it. We were at her house, locked in her bedroom, laying blissfully in each other’s arms after a moment of passionate kissing.

_____I was staring at the white ceiling, my mind heavy with thoughts, when I decided to let it out.

_____“Is this wrong?”

_____Silence.

_____I turned my head to see that she was looking at the ceiling as well.

_____She finally spoke. “I dunno.”

_____“It doesn’t seem…right, maybe.”

_____“But it feels right.”

_____“To me too.” I said quickly. “But…”

_____“But what?” She asked me.

_____I didn’t really know how to say it. Thoughts that swam in my mind for months, threatening to break at any moment, now were hard to find.

_____“Thia.” Lucky’s dark eyes locked onto mine. “Just say it.”

_____“I don’t know anyone else that does this.” That was the first thing that came to my mind. I wanted to be completely honest with her. “Not what we do. Girls in school do this with their boyfriends. Not each other.”

_____“I know.” She replied quietly.

_____I shrugged. “Don’t you feel weird that we can do this together but we can’t with Kareem and Lucas?”

_____“I guess.” She said looking away. “I try not to think about it.”

_____“How come?”

_____“Because I don’t want to, that’s all.” Her gaze met mine again. “You want to stop?”

_____I thought about it for a moment, and I could see the worry in her eyes at my silence.

_____“No.” I finally answered. “I like it. I like times like this with you.”

_____“Me too.” She said. Then she leaned closer and kissed me softly. “I don’t know what to tell you, Thia. I just like this, ok? Just the way it is.”

_____I just nodded and settled against her and we left it alone. Either it was a phase or whatever—-we literally had no clue. We just knew we somehow felt more connected to each other than anyone else we knew. When I was with her, I felt right, and she felt the same way. It seemed to us that if we just let things happen naturally, and just kept it to ourselves, we’d be ok. Even though we didn’t know what was going on with us, we both knew that we couldn’t tell anyone else. Somehow we understood that other people may not understand. So, our special relationship was quiet, yet safe.

_____But about two months later our world would shatter, and no matter how we felt towards each other…we wouldn’t be able to just ignore things anymore.

_____***_______________***_______________***_______________***

_____“Thia D’Costa’s office.” I sang into the phone.

_____“Mmm. And how is the most beautiful, vivacious, intelligent woman in the world?”

_____After all these years, as soon as I hear her voice, I still grin like I’m a schoolgirl again. “Mad at time for being so slow.”

_____Lucky chuckled. “I’ll be by to pick you up at exactly four o’clock.”

_____“I know you will.” I replied. Lucky was always on time. “I just can’t wait to be in your arms.”

_____“How about I walk into your office, grab you passionately and pull you into my arms then give you a big, sweet kiss?”

_____“I dare you.” I teased.

_____“I’ll do it.”

_____“You won’t.”

_____“You know I will.”

_____I knew she would too. “You behave yourself.”

_____“You’re acting like you wouldn’t want me to come over there and bend you right over that desk.”

_____I could feel myself getting a little hot. “Lucky…”

_____“I’ll hike your skirt up to your waist, and just pull your panties aside…”

_____“Lucky…”

_____“All I would have to do is just kick your legs apart, and get down behind you…”

_____“You are evil.”

_____“Not as evil as my tongue is going to feel tonight.”

_____“Positively evil.”

_____“I love you.”

_____“I love you too.”

_____Then she was gone. In less than a minute she had gotten me completely worked up. I unbuttoned the top button of my blouse, as I rested the phone back on its cradle. Damn that woman. She knew that her words would be on my mind for the remainder of my time at work. I wouldn’t be able to concentrate on a damn thing.

_____I have always been that way. Easily aroused. Lucky figured that out soon enough and would use it to her advantage. Sometimes she would spontaneously take me into her arms and kiss me so passionately that I would just want to drop anything I was doing and have her make love to me on the spot. But, just as quickly, she would let me go and wink at me before she walked away, leaving me so aroused that all I could think about was the possibility of her hands on me soon.

_____Lucky was always like that. She took to our times together quicker than I did. Lucky was insatiable, always after me for kisses or trying to cop a feel. She could be worse than any of the boys, but I loved it. I loved how she made me feel sexy. After a while, when we would go shopping, she would pick out clothes that she’d like to see me in. It was Lucky who picked out my first mini skirt. Daddy almost had a fit when I walked down the stairs in my new outfit, waiting for Lucas to pick me up. The four of us where going to a pre-graduation party at classmate’s house, and Lucas was driving.

_____“What on earth are you wearing?” He bellowed as he got up from his chair.

_____“You don’t like it?” I had asked, knowing full well he wouldn’t.

_____“Honey, you it’s what girls are wearing today.” Mama rested a hand on his arm.

_____“I don’t care what girls are wearing today.” He replied. “I care what my daughter is wearing tonight. And she is about to march right back upstairs and put an entire skirt on.”

_____“Honey, Forsythia is seventeen years old, about to graduate from high school. She is a young woman who is old enough to know how to dress and carry herself.” Mama smiled at me. “Go ahead, have fun tonight.”

_____I returned the smile, before giving both my parents kisses, my father eventually handing me twenty dollars and telling me to have a good time as well, yet still giving Lucas a warning look when he came to the door. If my father only knew that Lucas was the least of his worries.

_____The best part of the evening was when Lucky first saw me. Kareem was already at her house, and they were sitting in the living room when Lucas and I walked in. Lucky’s eyes widened as she took me in. She got to her feet immediately.

_____“You look great.” She said.

_____“You too.” I said. She did look cute in her new dungaree bell bottoms with the blue sequined flowers on the thighs, and a blue silk tank top. Her hair was down, the sides held back by butterfly clips, and on her lips was a hint of red lip gloss. This was as close to femininity that Lucky would ever get. And that was only because I had begged her to dress up, if I was going to be bold enough to wear the skirt.

_____But even if she hadn’t dressed up, I was happy that I had worn the skirt, because of the look on her face. I noticed that she would steal glances at me throughout the entire night, once even stealing a quick feel as we went to the bathroom to touch-up on our hair and makeup. I was about to re-apply my lipstick, when she grabbed my face and gave me a quick kiss.

_____“You’re sleeping over tonight, right?” She asked.

_____I just nodded, not able to find the words to how shocked I was.

_____“Good.” She winked at me. “Come on, finish with your makeup.”

_____The entire night all I could think about was what she was going to do once we got home. I did feel sorry for the boys, because it was kind of obvious that we weren’t paying them much attention. I think I had danced with Lucas only four times, after a while telling him that my feet were sore in my shoes. Which was a lie, because I was really getting tired of him copping a feel as we danced. I could see that Lucky was bothered by it, from the look on her face, as she and Kareem danced beside us. Any time that Lucas’ hands would travel below my waist, I could see her face getting red with anger. And as usual, I would move his hands to a more appropriate position.

_____I think that was when I started to realize that whatever Lucky and I were doing was more important to me than I realized. I always felt bad that I could be intimate with Lucky, but I couldn’t with my own boyfriend, but now I realized that I was feeling bothered by having him at all. I didn’t like feeling obligated to spend time with him, having to kiss him, or worse, having his hands all over my body. Lucas was becoming less and less patient every day, and I couldn’t blame him.

_____But, unfortunately for him, he was far from my mind as the boys dropped Lucky and I off at her house after the party. As soon as we made it to her room, she pulled me into her arms and kissed me.

_____“You look so good.” She said, as she flicked on the bedroom lights. She stepped away from me, staring at me. “I never realized how great your legs looked.”

_____“That’s because I never show this much.” I told her.

_____She grinned. “I think you should wear more of these.”

_____“You would say that.” I retorted.

_____Lucky took my hand and led me to the bed, where she sat down, and had me stand between her spread legs. She let her forehead rest on my tummy, and I started to run my fingers through her hair.

_____“I can’t stop thinking about you.” She said suddenly.

_____“What?” I asked.

_____She lifted her head, her eyes meeting mine. “I can’t stop thinking about you, Thia. No matter what I do, where I am, who I’m with…I’m always thinking about you. Wondering where you are, who you’re with, what you’re doing…if you’re thinking about me…”

_____Her words took me by such surprise I didn’t know what to say.

_____“I don’t know.” She continued. “It’s all messed up—-my head, I mean. I just know that I want to be with you all the time.”

_____I touched her face. “I feel the same way about you.”

_____“You do?” She asked.

_____I sat beside her on the bed, taking her hands in mine. “I wish I could spend all my time with you. I never feel as good as I do when I’m with you.”

_____“Me too.” She said softly.

_____I kissed her gently. “Let’s just pretend that there’s nobody else. It’s just you and me. No Kareem, no Lucas, nobody. And we can be together like we are with them.”

_____She chuckled. “Like we’re boyfriend and girlfriend?”

_____I shrugged. “I dunno, I guess so. Why couldn’t we?”

_____“I could pretend you’re my girlfriend?”

_____I nodded.

_____She made up her face. “I don’t know if I want to pretend to be a boy.”

_____I rolled my eyes. “So, what? We’re just pretending. It doesn’t have to be like it is with the boys. We can be girlfriend and girlfriend. Just this once, please, Lucky? No one else. I want to know what it feels like to be with you.”

_____She was serious for a moment, not saying anything, then just nodded. I was about to say something, but she then leaned forward and kissed me.

_____That night was our first night being completely naked with each other. Lucky got to her feet, and brought me to mine, and she carefully started to undress me. At first, I was so nervous, that I could feel my heart thudding in my chest, but I just closed my eyes, still able to feel her gaze on my body. As soon I was undressed, she started to remove her own clothes.

_____Lucky lay me down on the bed, before she checked the door to make sure that it was locked. Then she turned on her little radio, before coming back to me. I’ll Never Love This Way Again, by Dionne Warwick filled the room as Lucky lay beside me on the bed, and kissed my lips gently.

_____“I’ve been waiting to do this for so long.” She said.

_____I just pulled her towards me, our lips meeting again. It was so different this time. We were both so nervous about the new level we had reached. I found myself getting caught up in the new side of Lucky I had never really seen before. I had seen her in various stages of undressed, but I had never seen her completely naked before. My hands immediately went to the breasts I lusted after for so long, pulling them into my mouth like I had been temped to do so many times when Lucky did it to me, but I never found the guts to. Lucky held my head to her chest, moaning my name softly.

_____But she started getting greedy, pulling my head away and climbing on top of me, holding my hands down, so she could kiss me fully, as she positioned herself between my legs. I tried to move my hands, but she wouldn’t let me.

_____“I want to try something.” She whispered in my ear. “Just trust me.”

_____I relaxed, her lips claiming mine again, as I felt her let go of one of my hands. I felt her hand creep between our bodies, and touch me between my legs.

_____I jumped as if I had been shocked by electricity. Lucky continued to kiss me as I felt her fingers manipulate me. I had never felt anything like that before. Every movement of her fingers pushed me to a new level of pleasure. I soon found myself holding onto her tightly, as she kissed my face.

_____“Lucky…” I panted, burying my face into the curve of her shoulder.

_____“It feels good?” She asked.

_____I nodded, smiling as well, as I moved my hand between us. I looked into her eyes, as my fingers felt between her legs. I wasn’t sure of what I what to do, so I just mimicked what she was doing to me. I watched Lucky close her eyes, as she rested her cheek against mine, rotating her hips above me. It was a little awkward at first, until we both got into a comfortable position and still be able to make each other feel good. But as soon as we did, heaven and earth moved. I had never felt anything so wonderful in my life.

_____“Oh, my God.” Lucky’s voice said in my ear. “Do you like this?” She asked.

_____I could only nod again, as I felt something start to happen. My hips were moving against her hand, and I was digging my nails into her arm as this white hot, tingling feeling started at my toes, creeping its way up my legs, ‘til it exploded between my legs.

_____I couldn’t stay quiet if you paid me. Lucky quickly kissed me, muffling my cries. I felt her hips quicken on my hand, and before I knew it, she went still in my arms, and I felt her body tremble.

_____I just lay there, in complete shock. My whole body was tingling from head to toe, and I felt this warmth between my legs. What had happened? I remembered overhearing Melissa Lighthouse tell some girls in the locker room at school about how it felt when she was with her boyfriend. She had described the feeling as fireworks going off in her body. And that’s how it had just felt with Lucky.

_____Lucky rolled over onto her back, beside me, staring up at the ceiling. “Are you ok?” She asked me, trying to catch her breath.

_____“Yes.” I said. What had we done?

_____She rolled onto her side, facing me. “That was amazing.”

_____I grinned. “It was.”

_____Lucky’s hand reach out, touching the tip of my nose. “I never imagined it would feel like that.”

_____“What would?” I asked.

_____“Fingering.” She said.

_____I had never heard of it before, but it explained what we had done. “Where did you learn that?”

_____She grimaced. “Kareem.”

_____I could only imagine the look on my face. I didn’t like knowing that she and Kareem had done what she and I had just shared.

_____“Kareem did that to you?”

_____She nodded, but quickly added, “He didn’t finish. I mean, he kept asking to touch me, so I let him to shut him up, but when he did that, it felt good so I let him do it for a while, but then I stopped him.”

_____“Oh.” I looked away. Why was it so hard to hear her and Kareem being intimate?

_____“Thia.” She reached out and brushed my hair away from my face. “It doesn’t matter what Kareem did. I didn’t want to do it with him. I wanted to do it with you. That’s why I waited.”

_____“I know.” I said.

_____She kissed me. “You’re the one I want to be with, not anyone else.”

_____I smiled. “Ditto.”

_____We both laughed. But underneath our smiles, I knew that we were scared. Whatever that was happening to us was growing and we weren’t sure what to do about it. All we knew was that we wanted to be together. We weren’t sure why, but we knew that’s how we felt. But we’d soon know why.

_____Everything came to head about a week later. We were at school, last week before prom and graduation, and it was during lunch. We were just sitting on the grass with, Kareem, Lucas, and some other kids we knew when Marissa Lighthouse came over to our group with a clipboard clutched to her chest. She handed it to Kareem.

_____“Sign this.” She said.

_____“What’s this?” Kareem asked looking at it.
_____
_____Marissa stared at him pointedly almost as if she was annoyed that he didn’t already know what it was. “It’s a petition to stop the Pride parade that’s suppose to happen next month.”

_____“What’s a Pride parade?” I asked.

_____“Those disgusting homos want to have a parade downtown. They want to be proud of being sinners and their disgusting lifestyle. And they want to force us to accept it.” She made a face. “It’s so disgusting. I don’t see why they don’t keep that filth in their bedroom where it belongs.”

_____“Are you serious?” Lucas asked.

_____She nodded. “They’re trying to let the city grant them a license for it, but my mother started a group that’s trying to stop it. We’re not going to tolerate that sickness.” She added with a proud smile.

_____Kareem took the pen from Marissa and signed the petition. “Why would you be proud of being a queer anyway? That’s sick.” He passed the clipboard to Lucas.

_____“It’s unnatural. Men sleeping with men, women sleeping with women. Don’t they realize what they’re doing is a sin?” Marissa asked. “I swear, evil just slips its way into people sometimes, and then they try to infect everyone else. But they’ll all answer to God when their time comes. I just don’t want to see that nastiness.”

_____My throat tightened and I felt faint. My gaze shot to Lucky and I could see the simmer of panic on her face as well, but it went away quickly as she was handed the petition. I could see her hesitate for a moment before she signed it. And as if I was on automatic, when it was passed to me, I watched my hand write my name on the blank line, my mind in a haze.

_____We were silent for the remainder of lunch, but I knew that Lucky’s mind had to have been racing like mine was.

_____Homosexuals. That’s what we were. Marissa’s words seem to fill my head, attacking every sweet memory I had of my intimate moments with Lucky, assigning tags of sickness to them. I wasn’t foreign to the word, I had heard it before, but for some reason it never clicked in my head. It wasn’t like people talked about it. The only real time I had even heard the word was in Bible study when we talked about Lot and his wife and the damned cities of Sodom and Gomorrah. Even still, it never dawned on me that it was the same thing that Lucky and I were doing. And the look on Lucky’s face told me that she hadn’t either.

_____That was the longest day in school ever. All my afternoon classes dragged on as if my teachers and time itself knew that I just wanted to break free. And when the last bell rang, I rushed out of my class and ran to my locker, where Lucky was already waiting for me. She barely gave me enough time to pack my backpack, before rushing us out of the building. We walked so fast, that I almost tripped in my mules.

_____Silence engulfed us as we walked to her house. No words could be spoken, especially on my part, because I was afraid someone might overhear us. My house was closer, but her house always had privacy. We could lock ourselves in the basement and turn on her radio and no one would hear us. As luck would have it, her mother had left a note saying she was at neighbours house and wouldn’t be home until almost five, and Mr. D’Costa wouldn’t be home until six. So we were alone.

_____Lucky still locked the basement door, and turned on the radio, Donna Summer’s Bad Girl filling the small room, and I half wanted to laugh over the irony of the song playing now.

_____But music had no room in my head. It was already filled with Marissa’s words and my stomach felt sick.

_____“We’re lesbians.” Lucky said, starting to pace.

_____I shook my head. “No, we’re not.”

_____“Yes, we are. How could we not realize it before?”

_____“Because we’re not!” I said. I didn’t care. Not me and Lucky. What we shared was beautiful. Just special moments between best friends. We weren’t lesbians. I remembered pictures of lesbians that some kids found in a magazine. Those women wore leather, heavy boots all the time, looking like bikers, and they tried to act like men. Lucky and I weren’t even like that. And I didn’t even want to be a man.

_____“We’re women.” She said as she walked away from me. She turned, walking towards me again as she nervously pulled at her fingers. “And we sleep together.”

_____“That doesn’t make us lesbians.” I insisted.

_____“What else do you need?” She shot at me. “We’re women, we kiss each other, we touch each other—-we do IT together. Thia, we don’t even like our boyfriends touching us.”

_____“So?” I asked. “We like to be close, we…we know each other. Best friends experiment all the time…”

_____“Not like us!” She screamed.

_____I fell silent just staring at her.

_____“Face it, Thia, we do more than just experiment. Way, way more.”

_____“I know!”

_____“Well, obviously you’re not getting it! We have sex, Thia. Together. Admit it, you’d rather have sex with me than with Lucas…or any boy.”

_____I refused to answer her. I refused to admit what I knew was true in my heart. That her words rang truth. I couldn’t imagine being with anyone like I was with Lucky. And if I thought about it, the idea of just being with Lucas didn’t appeal to me at all. Hell, I was tired of pretending to be his girlfriend when I felt in my heart that I wasn’t. After that night with Lucky, I kind of pretended that I really was her girlfriend instead, and it felt right to me.

_____My silence must have reached her, because she stopped pacing and stared at me. Her features softened as she knelt before me. “Honey…”

_____“Don’t call me that!” I moved away from her. No matter what the facts showed, I didn’t want to be a homosexual. People thought homosexuals were sick. They put homosexuals in mental hospitals, I remembered hearing Daddy tell me that.

_____Oh, my God, my parents. They wouldn’t understand. No one would. This is why we didn’t tell anyone how we felt towards each other in the first place. We somehow knew we should be ashamed of it. This was wrong. This was so wrong.

_____God was going to send me straight to hell for this.

_____As if she could read my mind, Lucky took my hands in hers. “I don’t care.” She said defiantly.

_____“What do you mean you don’t care?”

_____“I don’t care if we are or not. I don’t care what people say it is or if it’s bad or not. All I care about is being with you.”

_____I could feel the tears starting to well in my eyes. “We can’t do this, Lucky. People will hate us.”

_____“We don’t have to tell anyone.” She said quietly.

_____“What?” I was in shock, was she serious?

_____“We’ll keep it between us, no one else has to know. Just like you said that night. When we’re together, we’ll know we’re girlfriend and girlfriend, but everyone else will think we’re still just friends.” She reached out and held my cheek in her hand. “Please, Thia, I don’t want to lose you.”

_____I looked deep into her eyes, and knew that I felt the same way. I didn’t want anything to change. “How are we going to keep it a secret?”

_____She shrugged. “I guess like we’re doing now.”

_____“People are going to figure it out. Look at Marissa and her mom. They want to hurt these people.”

_____“We’re not about to march in some parade. We’re gonna keep our mouths shut just like we’ve been doing. We’ll keep dating Kareem and Lucas, and no one will know anything.”

_____I frowned. “I don’t want to use them.”

_____“If we don’t have boyfriends, people will figure it out.” She insisted.

_____“How long do you expect for Kareem to be patient with you not going all the way with him?” I asked.

_____“I told him I don’t believe in sex before marriage.” She said with a smug smile. “Remember, I’m Catholic.”

_____And for some reason, that made us laugh. We had to hold onto each other, we were laughing so hard. Eventually we calmed down and I leaned against her.

_____“Well, I can’t keep saying no to Lucas. And I don’t know how long I can go on with him wanting to even kiss me.”

_____“So break up with him.” She ran her fingers through my hair. “As long as one of us has a boyfriend we’ll be ok. People will buy it.”

_____I sighed. I hated this. All the lying, all the secrecy. Before, I could delude myself into thinking it was just an innocent little thing. Now it was different…it was major.

_____“Thia.” She sat up, turning me so that I was facing her. “We CAN do this, ok? As long we’re together, we can do this.”

_____I couldn’t find the words, so I just nodded. I trusted her. And if she believed that we could do this, then we could.

_____She took my hand drawing an “X” in the middle of my palm, before kissing it. “You have my heart forever, Forsythia Waters. No matter what happens.”

_____It was silly, but I repeated the same. “And you have mine, Luciana Angelina Maria D’Costa.”

_____She rolled her eyes smiling, but held onto my hands firmly. “Nothing changes, remember that. We’re going to go on like we have been.” Then she pulled me into her arms and hugged me. “We’ll get through this, Thia. I promise.”

_____But we both knew the truth, no matter what we said. Everything had changed. We may still be keeping the secret, but now we knew what the stakes were…and how destructive they could be.

_____Life for Lucky and me was hard from that moment on. The weight of the secrecy was heavy on us. I was suddenly so cautious about everything that we said to each other and how we acted around each other. Whenever we were in public, I made sure to talk to other people as much as I could, so we wouldn’t appear odd. If we were walking together, and we happened to touch shoulders, we’d part quickly. I about cringed when anyone would come around us, expecting them to take one look at us and scream, “I knew it, you’re one of those nasty lesbians!”

_____The hardest part was hearing about the Pride parade. Marissa’s mother’s group couldn’t stop it because of the Freedom of Speech Act, but they reacted by protesting the march whenever it was possible. We’d walk around town, seeing large signs saying, “GET YOUR SICKNESS OUT OF OUR TOWN”, “GOD HATES FAGGOTS”, “GOD MADE ADAM AND EVE, NOT ADAM AND STEVE.” It was horrible. And it seemed that every night, there was some kind of meeting at the church on how to find a new way to stop the parade or at least protect the town’s children, as if homosexuals were out to get them.

_____Lucky and I stayed at my house the day of the parade. We had both agreed that we wouldn’t be able to handle all the craziness that was happening out there. But we got to hear about it all on the news. Part of me was so envious, watching all those women holding each other’s hands, wearing smiles of pride, despite all the protestors that stood on the sidelines cursing them. I glanced at Lucky, and she met my gaze and gave me a small smile.

_____Prom came and went, and we stayed out with friends until three in the morning, then came back to Lucky’s house and quietly made love until dawn. Then graduation. While most of our classmates cried, Lucky and I were thrilled that this part of our life was over. The day after graduation we left for our little vacation. Our parents let us spend an entire month at a secluded cabin in the woods that Mr. D’Costa’s boss owned. We told our parents that Lucky wanted to go fishing and I wanted quiet time to write. We both agreed that we would use this time to plan for our futures, and our parents bought it. I think our fathers saw it as a silent blessing that we weren’t asking for any boys to go with us. Four glorious weeks of no lies, being naked with each other every possible moment, and just being in love. One of my most vivid memories was laying in Lucky’s arms in the hammock on the back porch, listening to grasshoppers, while we fantasized about our future. The only moments that were spoiled, were when our parents called to check up on us. We’d always be reminded that our time together was temporary and we’d have to go back to the real world soon.

_____But we did plan. Before everything had come about, Lucky and I had already applied to all the same colleges, and had both gotten accepted to two of our four choices. We decided to go to a small women’s college two states away, which saddened our parents, but was a triumph for us. We’d be close enough so our parents wouldn’t feel like we were on the other side of the world, but far enough to be together. The way we wanted to be.

_____But one major thing had happened on our little excursion. Lucky was cooking dinner for us and I was cleaning the cabin. I had done some light cleaning basically daily since we had arrived, but I was on some kick and decided to really clean. The Andrews’, who owned the cabin, wouldn’t arrive until a week after we left, so I decided to make the place as spotless as possible.

_____When I opened the video cabinet, I found a collection of VHS cassettes of movies that they must have made while vacationing. I decided to put them in chronological order. As I was cleaning, I found a tape that was unlabeled.

_____“That’s odd.” I said to myself.

_____“What?” Lucky walked into the living room, drying her hands on a hand towel. I could already smell her father’s famous marinara sauce filling the cabin.

_____“There’s a cassette that’s not labeled.” I said staring at it. “It’s just strange, cuz every single one here is labeled and you can tell that they’re kinda picky about that.”

_____She shrugged. “It’s not a big deal, honey.”

_____“I guess.”

_____She leaned over and kissed my forehead before going back to the kitchen.

_____I was about to put the cassette back in the cabinet at the end, when my curiosity got the best of me. I turned on the television and popped the cassette into the VCR.

_____The screen was black for a moment, then the movie started with a white, black-haired woman sitting on a sofa, reading a magazine, in a very plush looking living room. The picture was kind of grainy, not really clear, but I could see her perfectly fine. All of a sudden another woman, this one blonde, walked into the room and sat beside the first women. She said something to her that I couldn’t really hear, then I watched her place her hand on the brunette’s knee.

_____My eyes literally widened as I watched the first woman drop her magazine and turn to kiss the blonde on the lips. The blonde’s hand crept underneath the brunette’s dress, pulling it up to her waist, so I could see that she was not wearing underwear. The brunette spread her legs as the blonde’s hand covered her naked crotch.

_____“LUCKY!” I screamed.

_____“What’s wrong, what’s wrong?” She ran into the living room and stopped dead in her tracks as she saw what was on the television.

_____“Oh, my God.” I whispered.

_____“What the hell is this?” She asked.

_____“The cassette that wasn’t labeled.”

_____Lucky slowly sat beside me on the floor as we watched the most amazing thing in the world. It was just like us. Well, not exactly, but they were doing the things that we did to each other. In a matter of minutes, both women were naked and the blonde was laying on top of the brunette, sucking on her nipples, while she fingered her.

_____I gasped, but _____Lucky remained silent, her eyes glued to the television.

_____And then, the most shocking thing happened. We watched as the blonde lifted herself up and crawled down between the brunette’s open thighs. Then we watched as her head disappeared between her legs.

_____“What the hell…?”

_____“Oh my God.” What were they doing?

_____“You can do that?” Lucky asked.

_____“I guess so…I mean, they’re doing it.”

_____And they were. The camera zoomed in so that we had an unblocked view of the blonde’s mouth literally glued to the brunette’s crotch. Then she opened her mouth and we got to see her tongue and the movements it was making.

_____“Shit…” Lucky just shook her head in disbelief.

_____We watched that entire movie, dinner almost forgotten. We had to stop it so that Lucky could take all the pots off the stove before the food burned. But she came right back and we continued. By the time it was over, we were sitting there in complete shock, and our eyes were opened to more than we ever realized. And we were completely aroused. My nipples were standing so firm that they hurt, and I could feel that my panties were damp.

_____I never realized that women could do so much together. And to believe that for so long Lucky and I had been content with merely half of what these women had been doing.

_____“Let’s try it.” She said suddenly.

_____Like she really had to ask. We turned off all the lights and raced upstairs and spent the entire night copying everything that we had seen. It was literally the best night we ever had together. Around two in the morning, we fell asleep exhausted, but for the first time, I felt that I had truly made love to Lucky. And it was the most amazing feeling in the world.

_____I was a lesbian.

Part 2

Copyright © 2003. Used by permission of author. All Rights Reserved.

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