by
Koffeeflava
April 2001
I couldn't believe that I was in this situation...again! After six years of marriage I was ready to call it quits on relationship number three.....I could only take sooooo much of this. Happy one day, miserable the next. Never knowing when or how it was going to end...just waiting for the moment. I have done everything that I can to make this work......forget it!!! This relationship should never have happened. I knew this.....I knew it in the beginning........ so I guess that this is really my fault.

I mean to be honest my heart was never in this relationship.....:

My heart always belonged to her. I remember it like it was yesterday...

July 1992: Dallas, Texas.
Here I am at the Saturday night hotspot having just ended my first lesbian relationship. Having just finished a show and in walks the woman that I am destined to spend the rest of my life sharing my heart with. I'm not sure if it's her sensuous stride, or her knock em dead sense of confidence. I didn't know it then, but what I would later figure out in the coming decade was that it's known as chemistry. It crackled between us like electricity. A live wire that lit up Raps. Years later I would learn that we were not the only ones who felt it.

The funny thing is that she wanted nothing to do with me. I wasn't her type. At the grown up age of twenty-four...I'm like what's there not to like. Six feet tall, cute in a Queen Latifah sort of way. Living Single at its peak of success, a sister had it going on!! (At least I thought so!) She felt that I was too young, after all she was an elderly twenty-seven and not interested in baby-sitting. (Yeah right!) However, persistence paid off and I managed to leave with her phone number. (smile)

We spent two and a half years together. The first year was picture perfect. We complimented each other.... her artistic talent was shown through her chosen career as a beautician although she longed to be an artist and an interior decorator. I wanted to write but never had the nerve or the drive to sit down and put pen to paper. She looked into my eyes and she saw everything that I could be and inspired me to new heights. I looked at her and felt a love so powerful that time could not undo. But, alas.....time was not on our side. We met too early. We were too young to appreciate what we had and the potential of what we could be together.

Today- April 2001

I get in my car and I drive over to her salon...it has been seven years since we broke up. If we had stayed together we would be celebrating our approaching ten-year anniversary. Here I am parked outside with no idea of what I'm going to do next. I call my cousin and leave her a message. This is her favorite salon, surely she could help me out. Hey Cuz, call me as soon as you get this, I need to talk to you. Too scared to go in, I drive down to the strip and have a Corona. After about forty-five minutes I get a call and I'm off to my cousin's place. There I learn that she is single, having just ended a three-year relationship. My cousin ever the romantic dials her home number and hands me the phone. The answering machine picks up. It is 10:00 pm on Good Friday and I immediately think that perhaps she is on a date. Beep.....I inhale s-l-o-w-l-y, and exhale even slower. Hello Xante, this is Shenane. I don't want anything...I'll give you a call some other time. It begins to rain, so I call my wife and tell her that I'm gonna spend the night with my cousin since I've been drinking and it's now raining outside. (Something I have never done before.)

My cousin pops in Charlie's Angels. At 11:15 the phone rings. I can only hear my cousin's teasing side of the conversation.

"Hello. How are you. Girl, what do you want this time of the night?"

Smiling from ear to ear ...she replies "Yes, she's still here" ...and she hands me the phone.

"Hello."

"Hi, how are you doing?"

"I m fine, how have you been?"

"Fine, Toni and I just returned from seeing Kingdom Come."

"Yeah, I just saw it today. What did you think?"

We proceed to converse as if we were never apart. After about ten minutes she asked, "When can I see you?" There was a long pause. We were both thinking about my wife.
"Oh, I shouldn't have asked that? I'm sorry."

"I...I just hesitated because my first response was, right now! But . . ." More silence . . . "I can be there in half an hour."

She starts to give me directions, but I tell her that I can get them from my cousin. We say goodbye. With this huge grin on her face my heterosexual cousin proceeds to tell me the way. I jump in my F-150 and head to the north side of town.

Halfway there my cousin calls and with guilt in her voice - admonishes that she does not want to be the reason for the breakup of my marriage. I explain to her that my marriage was already over and that nothing sexual would happen at Xante's. We just needed to talk about some things, We haven't seen each other in years.

I sprint up to the third floor of her apartment building and as I reach the landing there she is.......just as beautiful as ever. She's clad in a thigh length, snow white, off the shoulder nightshirt. Mahogany skin illuminating in the night and a medium length curly Afro. So original. So Xante. She turns and walk into the foyer of the apartment. I'm following behind like a lost puppy coming home. As she enters the living room and pivots, she opens her arms wide and I walk straight into them. She exhales into a strong sigh as I feel my insides flip-flop and my resolve flows out the window. As we release one another, I glance around the living room and feel the raw passion emanating from the decor. Candles were lit throughout the living room. Authentic African mask on one wall, an intricately designed chair set in one corner (later I am told that it is an African birthing chair), and original sculptures of African descendants set on the glass end tables. I could feel intensity in the air.

Her soft melodious voice whispers, Come and I followed her into the bedroom. This king size, solid, honey-maple wood, bed sits in the middle of the room saying throughout my visit. I am here. I am ready!!

We touched on her children, Sixteen year old Toni and twenty something, happily married Sonia and her two children. We discussed how, you don't miss your water til your well runs dry and how much true love really means. In the approximately ten years since the beginning of our first relationship, we had managed to grow-up.

She invites me into the kitchen for a glass of wine, as I follow her undulating hips through the hall it takes all that I am, for me not to reach out and touch her. In mid-stride she turns and startles me, I immediately take a step back, as she asks, "What's wrong?" To which I stutter, "I..I'm just trying to keep my hands to myself." She takes a step forward and I fold her into my embrace. Our lips melt together in a soft caress while my hands glide across her back as if on autopilot, snuggling her close to feel the soft pitter patter of her heart . She groans as if the exquisite pleasure of our kiss is almost painful.

Then as if nothing has happened, she turns gathers the long stem wine glasses and a bottle of merlot and heads back to the bedroom. She perches atop the bed and I sit two feet away in the easy chair. Just chit chatting. Some how, someway I climb up beside her, while uttering the words, "we're both adults." She lays back to take my weight as my lips find hers. Her kiss is like a cool spring after a summer drought. I drink her in, never wanting to stop. We make slow passionate love. Exploring, joining in a coming together that speaks of years of missing you, wanting you and now that I have learned....never wanting to let go.

As she drifts off to sleep I say, "...you haven't asked about her, about my relationship."
Right here. Just for right now, it doesn't matter. I just want to savor the moment. And she falls asleep with her head resting on my back, her legs intertwined in mine.

Eight months have passed. I am divorced. Xante and I are planning the rest of our lives together. Home is where the heart is ......I have finally made it home.

The End ....hmmmm it's really just the beginning!!!

THE END

Copyright © 2001. Used by permission of author. All Rights Reserved.