by
Glitter
I can't believe I'm going to prison.

_____Damn, I was trying not to think about it. But it's not like you can really ignore it as you're on the bus, driving on the highway, chained to someone you don't even know. I kept looking out the window, staring at all the cars, trucks, and mini-vans, wondering where all those people were going. It was Saturday; so probably shopping, vacation, or maybe a road trip to see family in another state. Who knew? They had many possibilities. As for this bus, everyone who saw it knew where it was going.

_____My eyes caught a black Cadillac SUV, and I was immediately reminded of Dre. She loved her Caddy almost as much as she loved me. Or how much she claimed to love me.

_____No, no, no. Don't go there, I told myself. Dre loved me…I knew she did. No matter how rough this shit gets, I had to hold onto that. Because in the end, she was who I was coming home to. Whenever I was going to be able to come home.

_____"You think that Andrea cares about you?" The detective had asked me again and again when they had me in the interrogation room the day I got arrested. "She's going to let you take the fall for this, Astoria. You are going to go to jail and she's getting away with it, and she'll take up with someone else."

_____I had just sat there silent, smoking my fifth cigarette in an hour, my heart pounding in my chest, but on the outside I looked calm as ever.

_____"Don't be stupid, Astoria. Look at what you're facing. Up to fifteen years in prison. And the state is definitely going to ask for the max. Are you really going to let Andrea make you take the fall for this? And don't say that she isn't in on this, because we know she is. I know she put you up to this. She's not going to rescue you, Astoria. She'll let you take the fall and run. And you'll be facing all this alone. You are going to have to stop this yourself."

_____Still silent. I just puffed away, my eyes trying to picture Dre's face. Dre's comforting, warm, beautiful face. God, I needed her right now.

_____"You are a fool if you don't admit it. You're going to throw your life away for someone who won't even remember who you are this time next month. I hear you have a wonderful career ahead of you. You spent years working on making a life for yourself. And you're just going to throw it all away." He suddenly slammed his fist on the table, making me jump in my seat. "Dammit, Astoria! Admit that Andrea Walker was the head of this. We know that you couldn't have pulled this whole thing by yourself. Only Andrea could have done this. Why don't you just admit it?"

_____I had finally turned and looked him straight in the eye. "I was alone on this. No one was in on this, but me. Andrea didn't even know about it."

_____His eyes clouded over in anger and he stood up. "You're going to go down for a crime she committed. I hope whatever you had with her was worth it, Astoria. Because your future is gone, and so is she."

_____Lies, all lies. Dre wouldn't leave me. Not like this. She had promised to take care of me. And I believed her. With all my heart.

_____But it's hard to believe much when all you can think of is a tall, nerdy-looking white man, reading a piece of paper and saying, "guilty", and knowing that your fate is sealed. The first thing I had done was turn around in my seat and looked at my mother's horrified face. She belted out a wrenching cry and we had immediately reached for each other.

_____"Just talk, baby." She said quickly. "Please. I know you didn't do this. This isn't you. Don't go to jail, just talk. It can't be worth it, please."

_____But with tears in my eyes, I just squeezed her hand and got to my feet as the bailiff came for me, handcuffs ready. The last thing I saw, as they took me away, was my mother laying her head on my father's shoulder, crying so hard her whole body shook. Not cool. You never want to be the reason your mother cries like that. But I had no choice; I had to keep stay silent. But that moment would always haunt me.

_____I watched as the bus finally left the highway, taking an exit that lead to a dirt road. After about ten minutes, the building came into view. The first thing I saw was the metal fence that surrounded the entire building. About forty feet tall with barbed wire on the top. And that's when I broke. That's when the tears came down and I realized this was going to be my new home. My freedom was truly gone.

_____Countless times I wondered how I got myself in this mess. Throughout the entire trial I silently wondered in my seat, trying to pinpoint the exact time I had decided everything that I had worked for didn't matter to me anymore. A year ago, I was happy, graduating college with a BA in fashion design, and I was the apple of my parents' eyes. But a year ago, I didn't realize what true love could feel like. And as soon as love hit me…all hell broke loose.

_____Love is blind. It took me a while to truly understand that phrase. I think everyone understands it to some degree, but until you're actually in love, full realization and understanding doesn't hit you yet. I think I kind of laughed at it, like most people do. Come on, love is a beautiful thing. I could always see myself falling so deeply in love that I would practically do anything for the person I loved. But never, in my life, did I think I would fall as hard as I did. Have the urge to protect someone so much. When you realize that nothing matters more to you than the safe, well being of that person. That taking risks don't matter to you anymore. I fell. I fell so hard that I got so blind to what love was costing me.

_____************

_____It was my senior year at college, and I was partying like a madwoman. Graduation was less than a month away, and I only had to worry about finals that I knew would be a breeze, and my week vacation in Jamaica that my parents were sending me on. I had already landed a job as an assistant illustrator for a prestigious fashion house. My dorm roommate and best friend, Anya, and I had already paid and signed the lease for our new apartment that would be waiting for us when we came back from Jamaica. Life was pie as far as I was concerned. All I was thinking of was celebrating.

_____Friday night, Anya and I were getting dressed for the club, when she suddenly groaned aloud.

_____"What's wrong?" I asked as I swiftly lined my eyes in purple.

_____"I'm out of trees." She said. "Do you have any?"

_____I shook my head. "I thought you had gotten some more?"

_____"Ran out. Fuck, I wanted to smoke before we go to the club." She searched her bag. "All I got are woods. We're gonna have to make a stop ok? Let me call one of my peeps."

_____Finished with my make-up, I stood back and looked in the mirror and smiled. I had bought a new outfit, black hip-hugging jeans, a metallic purple corset, and matching purple, heeled boots. My long, light brown braids were pulled back into a loose ponytail, and I wore an array of purple and silver bangles on my arms. I turned to see my profile, and my big ass jumped out, loud and proud. I was voluptuous, with no shame in my game. I loved being thick and would always be. If you were going to hold me, you were going to definitely feel me.

_____"Damn, girl, that outfit's hot." Anya said as she came up behind me. She was dressed in a red lace cat suit, and you could see the black short panty and bra set she wore underneath. Her short black hair was adorned with glittered hair clips, and she had lined her eyes so they had a cat-like look.

_____"Thank you. You too." I smiled, making one more touch up to my lip-gloss.

_____"We gotta stop at Danny's." She said. "He got some. You got twenty dollars?"

_____I nodded. "I always got money for weed, girl."

_____It was almost eleven o'clock, so we finished up quickly and ran out of the room to Anya's car. Anya grew up a couple of neighbourhoods away, so she knew the area like the back of her hand, and we were flying. In less than ten minutes, we pulled up in front of a brownstone, and Anya stepped out.

_____"Five minutes or less." She promised then she disappeared inside.

_____I pulled down the visor to check my lipstick in the vanity mirror, before I lit a cigarette. When I flipped the visor back, a black SUV pulled up in front of Anya's car. The driver side opened, and someone dressed in all black stepped out. Whoever it was, wore a hoodie that was over his head, with a baseball cap that was pulled down so low I couldn't see his eyes, and his head was lowered. All I could see was his full-lipped mouth.

_____I forced myself to look away, reminding myself to never pay attention to anything during situations like these. You never know who's going to notice that you saw them, and you never wanted to be a witness to anything. The best rule to live by was to just mind your own business.

_____But for some reason I looked up, just in time to see that he was looking straight at me, through a pair of sunglasses.

_____Unfair. He could see me, but I couldn't see him. But in a quick glance of his body, I realized that he wasn't a he after all. Tall with a shapely body that you could see, regardless of how baggy the clothes were. He was a she.

_____She suddenly smirked, then turned to walk inside the brownstone. I caught myself biting my bottom lip. If only she didn't have the sunglasses on, I could have gotten a decent look at her face. But I knew that I liked what I saw, so far. Something about that smile got to me.

_____A couple of minutes later, Anya stepped outside and got into the car. "Danny is having some kind of party. We got invited—-and I would have said yes, cuz sometimes Danny's parties can outdo the club, you know what I mean? But then the crowd just got kinda hot, so I said nah."

_____"What do you mean? Who was there?" I asked. Someone had to be pretty bad for Anya to turn down a party if they were present.

_____She just shook her head as she started the car. "People you don't want to fuck with, that's all." And I knew that meant to leave it at that.

_____We had a great night at the club, opting to go to one of the few gay clubs in the area. Since I was gay and Anya was straight, we would usually split the club scene down the middle. We'd alternate nights between straight and gay clubs, but when it came down to it, we were going for the music and to just bug out. Both of us were single and had no one to answer to, so we'd have as much fun as possible. Whenever we went to a straight club, I danced with guys as well. No harm in just dancing---but I was always honest when I realized they were getting a bit too attached. And the same went for Anya, who always managed to land the finest women whenever she went to a gay club. Like me, she was always honest, but even she admitted that she liked her studs, saying that was her only temptation to bisexuality. Like tonight, for instance; I was at the bar, ordering a Vanilla Stoli with coke, when I spotted Anya near the centre of the dance floor, grinding her ass on a cute stud, who was wearing all red as well. Anya sure wasn't acting straight now, as she looked back at the girl she was dancing with, holding the girl's hands on her hips as she gyrated.

_____I shook my head, laughing to myself as I took my drink back to where I was standing earlier.

_____" ‘Sup, Shorty?"

_____I turned and faced a person dressed in all black, and I realized it was the same girl with the SUV from Danny's. She had pushed the hood and hat off her head, revealing a long oval face, cute button nose, and round cheeks. Her blondish-brown hair was in micro cornrows, and fell down to her waist.

_____"Hello." I answered, ready to turn back around. My heart was pounding in my chest.

_____"Didn't think I'd luck out and see you again." She said.

_____"What do you mean?" I asked, opting to play dumb instead. Sorry, but I stuck by my rules.

_____"I know you saw me." She lowered her sunglasses, and my pounding heart literally froze. She had the most amazing eyes I had ever seen. Slanted eyes, but such a strong, clear brown that they seemed to see right through you. "It ain't no big deal, but I kinda liked what I saw, that's all."

_____"Just kinda?" I asked, wondering why I suddenly felt my hands getting clammy.

_____This time, she took the sunglasses fully off and slipped them into her pocket. Up close, she was about five feet nine, maybe ten. Under her clothes, she had a somewhat thick or muscular body, but she had shape; you could see she was big-breasted and thick in the hips.

_____"Well, you never know if you fully like something unless you get to try it." She said boldly. "Feel like dancing?"

_____As if I was on automatic, I nodded and let her take my hand as she led me to the overcrowded dance floor. I didn't think we would find a place to dance, but a suitable area suddenly opened up for us, and my mystery woman just pulled me close to her. Anya and I loved going to this particular club, because the DJ always did a perfect mix of new and old school Rap, R&B, and Reggae. And as soon as we were on the dance floor, "Murder She Wrote" came on. It was one of my favourite songs, so I lit up and started grinding my hips.

_____My mystery woman smiled, watching me lose myself to the music. I felt her hands grab my hips and pull me close, and I moved with her, placing an arm around her neck. Something about reggae just makes you want to act as sexual as you can. All of a sudden, you are moving parts of your body you hardly paid attention to before, and whoever you are dancing with is the audience to your solo sexual tease. And I was happy with the audience I had. I didn't allow myself to get as raunchy as I knew I could get, opting to keep some innocence, but I wanted to overheat her just a little bit.

_____We danced a few more songs together, until the DJ switched up to Rap again. Laughing, I stopped dancing and led her back to where she found me. I picked up my drink and took a sip.

_____"You need to learn to behave yourself when you dance." I told her, knowing the alcohol was getting to me.

_____"And what makes you say that?" She asked me.

_____"You and your busy hands."

_____"You liked my busy hands."

_____I just smiled, knowing she was right. "Maybe I wanted to get to know you better before your hands got so busy."

_____She was silent for a moment, and I could tell that she was sizing me up. In the silence, I decided to smoke a cigarette. She immediately produced a lighter, lighting my cigarette for me.

_____"You got a girl?" She asked.

_____I shook my head. "Not yet. You?"

_____"No."

_____"Good." I said.

_____She smirked making me remember what attracted me to her in the first place. Damn, that smile was hot.

_____"Give me your number." She said.

_____I shook my head. "Uh-uh. Give me yours."

_____She chuckled. But I watched her pull a pen out of her pocket and she scribbled her number on a napkin. "And who shall I expect to call?"

_____I took the napkin, folding it carefully before I pocketed it. "Astoria."

_____"Astoria?" She asked. Then she smiled. "Cute."

_____"And who am I calling?" I asked.

_____She took my hand, lifting it to her lips. After the gentle kiss that I could feel all the way to my toes, she winked at me. "Dre. Don't take too long to call me." Then she turned and walked away.

_____And I stood there, in awe. I watched as she gave daps to people on her way out, and realized I wasn't dealing with just anyone. Just how people seemed to literally make room around her. She was special. I patted the napkin in my pocket before going back to the dance floor.

_____I didn't call her for two days. I'm sorry, but I didn't want to seem desperate. And I wasn't calling for a full conversation either. I had a routine that I lived by. If you get a number, you wait two days before making the initial call. And you call to just say hello, verifying the number and the person you met match. Remind them that they gave you their number, say a quick hello, and schedule a time to actually talk. Ever since I started dating, I lived by this plan, and it always worked out well for me.

_____Dre was haunting me. Regardless of whatever I did, I couldn't get those eyes and that smile out of my mind. I practically forced myself not to call her the first day, going to a movie and dinner when I really wasn't in the mood. The second day was easier; I had two finals, and a few professors I had to speak with. I didn't make it back to my room until almost 5 o'clock, and I was practically drained. My head hurt from thinking too much, my feet hurt from running around campus, and all I wanted to do was rest my head for a moment before my whirlwind night of partying started.

_____But as soon as I stepped into the room, Dre was the first thing on my mind. I was in the clear; I could finally call.

_____The napkin with her number on it was in my nightstand, and I quickly retrieved it and calmed myself before I called.

_____"Hello?" It was her---I couldn't forget that voice anywhere.

_____"Hi, Dre, this is Astoria."

_____"Astoria? Oh yeah, from the other night. Didn't think I'd hear from you. Thought I told you not to take too long to call."

_____"I'm in college, I get busy." I said as I sat on my bed. Just go through the routine, just say you wanted to touch base, and you'll call her later.

_____"Busy girls need some down time." I heard some rustling on her end, then she asked, "What are you doing right now?"

_____"Um, resting. I had some finals today."

_____"You go to Anderson, right?"

_____"Uh, yeah…how did you know?"

_____"Meet me in front of the campus library in one hour. Wear something nice and warm." Then she was gone.

_____I stared at the phone, hearing the dial tone and I was in shock. How did she know where I went to school? Why did it feel like she had been expecting my call? And who in the world did she think she was just telling me meet her without expecting some kind of agreement? Did she think I didn't have a life? That I could just drop everything for her?

_____Hell the fuck no. I wasn't some dog that would just come if you snap your fingers. I wasn't going to let her play me like I was some punk. My shock turned to anger, and I hung up the phone, laying on my bed in defiance. She could go fuck herself. I wasn't about to jump just because she said so.

_____I decided to get comfortable, changing into some sweats, and turned on the small television Anya and I bought together. Cartoon Network. Whenever I wanted to calm down, I turned on a cartoon and laughed my troubles away.

_____But the clock kept ticking. Loudly. And against my will, my eyes kept shifting towards to clock. It was twenty to six. Twenty minutes. In twenty minutes, Dre would pull up in front of the library and realize that I was an independent woman who did not respond well to being ordered.

_____Nineteen minutes. She'd realize how foolish she was to speak to me that way. And she'd feel guilty and stupid.

_____Eighteen minutes. Maybe I'll call her in a few days. Make up some excuse, some emergency came up. But she won't care. She'll be so grateful to hear my voice that she'd apologize all over the place and ask me to give her another chance.

_____Seventeen minutes. To believe, she had the audacity to actually tell me to be ready. Not even ask. How dare she? Who did she think she was?

_____Sixteen minutes. Well, it doesn't matter anyway. Maybe I'm better off not knowing her. I mean, would you really want to get with a person that had that kind of personality? Didn't she realize what era it was? Women today didn't have to put up with that bullshit. We deserved people to treat us with dignity. And just because she was a woman and a lesbian didn't mean I was going to expect any differently.

_____Fifteen minutes. I finally screamed out of aggravation and jumped to my feet. I ran to my closet, pulling out whatever suitable outfit I could think of. Nice and warm, nice and warm. Wool boot-cut grey pants, and a black sleeveless turtleneck. Good, good, good. I pulled out a pair of black boots, matching purse, and laid out my makeup before I ran down the hall to the bathroom.

_____What was I doing? I should still be comfortably in my bed, watching television, and planning my fun night. Not rushing through a shower at top speed. I washed everything that was necessary, and half-naked, ran back to my room to get dressed.

_____Five minutes. I now had mastered the art of putting on my makeup while getting dressed. I secured my hair in a ponytail, grabbed my purse, dumped everything I needed in it, then ran out of my room.

_____By the time I made it to the library, my watch read 5:59pm. I had made it. I somehow managed to be dressed, ready, and on time in less than fifteen minutes. I made a mental note to never, never confess this to anyone I dated.

_____And at 6 o'clock, the black SUV appeared out of nowhere and pulled up. I watched Dre get out, and walk around the front of the vehicle to where I stood.

_____"You look great." She said.

_____I look great? That's it? No, hello, thank you for meeting me at such short notice, none of that? For a split second, I thought about turning around and walking back to my dorm.

_____But, of course, I just smiled. "Thank you. You too." I had to admit that she looked nice. As if we had similar minds, she wore black slacks, and a grey and black knit sweater. Her hair had been re-braided, still cornrows, but with these Aztec type designs. Damn, her hair was long. "So where are we going?"

_____"It's a surprise." She opened the passenger side, and helped me up and inside the SUV. I couldn't help but notice the Cadillac monogram on the side. "Do you like seafood?"

_____"Yeah, I do." I admitted. Lobster was actually a big weakness for me. But you never, NEVER admit your ultimate favourite foods on the first date. Especially if they are expensive. Your date will think you're some gold-digger, and unless you are, you definitely don't want anyone to assume that about you, or you'll get absolutely nowhere.

_____"Have you ever been to Nina's?" She asked starting the engine.

_____"Don't think so."

_____"It's wonderful. The best seafood I've ever had---except for when I was in the Bahamas."

_____"You've been to the Bahamas?" I asked her.

_____"Yep."

_____"My roommate and I are going to Jamaica after graduation. I can't wait."

_____Dre pulled away from the curb. "You're a senior?"

_____"Yes." I replied. See, if we had gone with my plan, she would have already known this before our first actual date.

_____"What's your major?"

_____"Fashion design."

_____She grinned. "No kidding? You like making clothes?"

_____"Sure do. One day, you will see my designs on a runway. I will be famous."

_____She chuckled. "I don't doubt it. You seem like a woman who knows what she wants."

_____"And how is it that you know that about me? You hardly know me."

_____Dre just shrugged. "Let's just say I have good taste. And any woman I like, has a good head on her shoulders."

_____Good one, good one. She was smooth. I just nodded and sat back in my comfy seat. Was this leather? Goddamn, who was this woman?

_____"So, are you in school?" I asked, knowing full well she wasn't.

_____She shook her head. "Nah, just work."

_____"What do you do?" I asked.

_____She smiled. "Construction. I love building houses. And I do other odds and ends on the side."

_____I just nodded. It didn't add up, but I wasn't going to pry. I just sat back and enjoyed the ride.

_____Nina's turned out to be a quaint restaurant, nestled on the edge of a fishing town that was about an hour away in the next state. As soon as we pulled into the parking lot, my first thought was wondering how Dre had found it. But as soon as we stepped inside, I forgot all about that. I swear to God, it was like we stepped into some movie. We were given one of the best tables, beside a huge picture window with a view of the ocean. The waitress seemed to have been hovering near us, because she would appear as if by magic whenever we needed her. And Dre was on point with the menu. She had me try oysters for the first time, which, I have to add that I didn't want to even look at, at first, but I decided to have an open mind and tried it, and it was wonderful. The lobster---that Dre insisted I had to order because it was her favourite as well---was so good that it had me in tears. Conversation was minimal. We discussed the necessities, but I could tell that she was holding back. Her mannerisms, the way her eyes seemed to always be on the lookout. She was a woman with a lot of secrets. And for some strange reason, that only appealed to me more.

_____After dinner, Dre left the SUV in the parking lot and took my hand as we walked along the quiet beach. With the moon and seagulls as our only audience, Dre started to talk. I learned that she was twenty-five and was the middle child of three, to a single mother who worked two jobs. Or, I should say, she used to. Once Dre got on her own feet, she made sure that her mother, Lorelei, who was now sickly, didn't have to work again. I asked about her siblings. Her older sister, Marlene, lived out in California and didn't have much to do with the family anymore. And her younger brother, Antoine, was still in elementary school.

_____"If I ever had a child, it would be him. He's my heart." She confessed. "I make sure he stays out of trouble so my moms won't have to endure any more shit."

_____I just nodded. "He's a problem?"

_____She shook her head. "Nah, just stubborn that's all. A lot like me. But he won't have the opportunities that I had, so I look out for him."

_____"Can't you just teach him what was taught to you?"

_____I could feel her stiffen. "He doesn't need to know all that. Let's just say that my opportunities aren't for everyone. As long as he sticks with the books and goes to college, he'll be alright."

_____I knew when to stop prying, so I just changed the subject. By the time we made it back to the SUV, I felt more comfortable in her company. Somehow, she managed to open up a bit and let me get to know who she was, without really telling too much. And I respected that.

_____Dre had me back at the dorms before midnight. As I was getting out of the SUV, she grabbed my hand.

_____"I want to see you again." She said simply.

_____"I'd like that."

_____She leaned forward and gently kissed my lips, and I felt my nipples harden at the contact. With one kiss? Damn.

_____"I'll call you." She told me. I had already given her my number.

_____I just nodded as I closed the door. As soon as she took off, I lit a cigarette, and slowly walked back towards my dorm. Something about her was so damn attractive yet mysterious. I wasn't sure what it was, but I promised myself I would soon.

_____From that day on, my life was total chaos---but in a good way. Shocking my friends and myself, I ended up seeing Dre three more times that week. Usually, I don't stick to one person like that. I loved my freedom and would just date people instead of inching towards anything exclusive. And spending a lot of time with one person may give them the impression that having something exclusive can be an option. But for some reason I just really enjoyed the time I spent with Dre. How I found the time, I have no idea. Dre was supportive though. One day, after my last class, I was heading towards the library to do some research. I had made plans with Dre earlier, but had to cancel them, because my professor had thrown the class a curveball of a last minute assignment. Dre had sounded disappointed, but had understood. But as I turned the corner to walk into the library, I saw her SUV parked out front.

_____Walking up to the vehicle, I met her grin with a cynical smile. She was reclined in her seat, and smoking a blunt of all things---and in broad daylight. The girl was crazy. "What are you doing here?"

_____She gave a big, dramatic sigh. "I realized that I couldn't have you just drown yourself in these musty books studying. No fun for you and definitely no fun for me."

_____I shook my head as a I chuckled. "Well, I DO have to study though."

_____She winked. "I know. But I got an alternative. Hop in."

_____Against my better judgment, I got in beside her, snatching the blunt from her and took my own puff, as she took off. She drove me to her loft, which was on the other side of town. And there, she let me have free reign on her computer so I could use the Internet and study. And while I studied, she cooked dinner for us. And even had the nerve to go over my research notes to critique them.

_____"And what makes you such an expert on this?" I asked as I cut into my steak. Damn, she was good. It was like cutting butter.

_____"Construction wasn't always my dream, you know." She said as she made a mark on my paper. "At one point, I actually wanted to be an English teacher."

_____"Well, why didn't you?"

_____She shrugged. "Things happen. It's too late for me now, but at least you can benefit from my expertise." Then she winked.

_____Dre was a complete and utter mystery to me. Every time I swore she'd turn right, she'd go left. A lot of things just weren't adding up about her. At first, I thought she was just some regular Joe, probably did a little petty crime stuff when she was younger. She seemed to be like all the other thugs from the neighbourhood---cuz no offense, but male or female, almost all the thugs in our neighbourhood were similar. But then she would initiate the most intellectual conversations that I ever had, inside or outside of the classroom. I soon learned that Dre wasn't only street smart, but book smart as well. On my many visits to her loft, I found a lot of English and French literature, poetry, and sociology and psychology textbooks. I had no doubt in my mind that she was as intelligent as each of my professors. But for some reason, she just didn't apply what she had to make herself better. Not that she needed to, mind you. But it's not every day that you meet a construction worker that will debate with you for over two hours on the accuracy of George Orwell's book, "1984". I know professors who haven't even read the book.

_____Maybe it just wasn't that she was a smart woman who still lived around the ghetto that made her a mystery to me. Maybe it was how she made me feel. For the first time in my life, I actually found myself wanting to spend time with someone…romantically. As much as I loved women, they could be complicated sometimes. And while I was in school, I didn't want to get distracted with relationships. Let's go on a date, have fun, and heck, if we end up in bed, all the more better---but definitely nothing more than that. I saw Anya's many attempts, and I just decided I would wait until I was somewhat settled in my career before I would go that route.

_____But Dre just had me feeling differently. When I was with her, I felt like a princess. She made me feel alive, important, special, and down right sexy. Through her eyes, I saw life a different way. Life wasn't always the pretty peaches that my parents had tried to make it be. Life could be cold and heartless. But if you were strong enough, you could survive it. And Dre had accomplished that, and it just made me admire her all the more. And when I wasn't with her, I felt empty, sad, and so damn alone. I found myself thinking about her when she wasn't around. Wondering what she was doing, who she was with, if she was thinking about me. I would actually be counting the days until I could see that damn smile again. Hell, if I didn't know better, I'd think I was really beginning to really like this woman.

_____And what was even stranger was the fact that I wouldn't let her touch me. Not that I'm easy, but usually if I'm on a third or fourth date with a woman, we've already slept together. But for some reason, I couldn't go to that level with Dre yet. Not to say that she hasn't tried. Oh, no, Dre can be the most creative person when it comes to trying to get into a woman's panties. She was epitome of sensuality. With just one look, that woman could make me wet my panties, no lie. And when she kisses, you feel like you feel like you feel like you're flying. Every moment is like gliding on air, feeling the rush wash over your entire body and you become lightheaded. And there's this edge of danger that teases your lips, tingling your senses, right down to your very toes.

_____And I amaze myself every single night that I'm able to deny her. And Dre always gives this cute, sad puppy look when she realizes that I'm serious.

_____"You are a wicked tease." She said to me one time. "How can you expect me to remember you're a lady, when you walk the way that you do? Girl, have you ever seen your ass? It's a sin itself to want me to not touch you."

_____I smiled. "You better try your best."

_____"You're gonna give in you know. I can see it in your eyes. You want me as much as I want you."

_____I kissed the tip of her nose. "When the time is right. I promise."

_____And she always relented and never pressured me. I think, in a way, she loved the teasing as well. And I had to admit, I never thought about it before, but teasing can be a beautiful thing when you adore the person.

_____When my graduation came around, it was a pretty much done deal that Dre and I were becoming quite an item. I was spending most of my time between school, studying, and Dre. I wasn't able to really find time for other things.

_____First, let me say that I should have seen it coming. Anyone who has a close friend should see it coming. Especially if you live with her. You can't just spend the majority of your time with someone new and not have it affect the person you used to spend all your time with. Yes, I'll admit it; I was an idiot.

_____It was a little past midnight, and I had just walked in from another date with Dre. I was still a little high, and I could hear my bed calling for me. I found Anya on her bed, watching television. When she saw me, she rolled her eyes.

_____"Oh, you finally decided to come home?"

_____Aw, shit, not now. "What's wrong?"

_____"What's wrong?" She sat up, crossing her arms under her breasts. "Hello, Astoria. Do you remember me? Anya Townsend, your roommate, best friend, future travel partner for next week. Does any of this ring a bell?"

_____"Yes, yes, yes, what's going on?" Why, why, why? Anya knew me. She knew I was high, why mess with someone while they're high? That's just cruel.

_____"Astoria, I hardly see you anymore! You're never around, you run from your classes straight to wherever, and you spend all of your free time with Dre "

_____"So that's it. You think I'm spending too much time with Dre and not enough time with you."

_____"Well, duh!" She cried. "What do you need, a rock to fall on your head or something?"

_____I rolled my eyes. "Give me a break, Anya. Whenever you get serious about some guy, you're MIA as well."

_____Anya got to her feet. "This is different. Dre is different."

_____"And why is that? Why is Dre so different from the guys you date, except for the obvious."

_____"I just don't trust her, that's all." Anya said. "Listen, there are a lot of people you can hook up with. Why does it have to be her?"

_____Now, I was getting upset. "Why not her? Anya, Dre is a wonderful person. I like being with her. She's fun, caring, intelligent, and independent. What more can I ask?"

_____"Independent." Anya muttered. "Yeah, whatever."

_____My eyes narrowed as I glared at her. "And what does that mean?"

_____"Are you a complete idiot or what?"

_____I could feel my blood starting to boil. Oh yeah, I had definitely sobered up now. "Be careful of the words you use." I said through clenched teeth.

_____"Believe me, I'm using the right words." She started to pace. "Are you gonna stand there and tell me that you don't realize who Dre is?"

_____"Besides a human being, I'm at a loss."

_____"Come on, Astoria! What construction worker do you know can afford a brand fucking new Cadillac Escalade and a Cadillac Deville in the same year? Do you see the clothes she wears? Or how about her jewelry? When was the last time you saw a construction worker wearing iced-out platinum?"

_____"So she has expensive tastes, that doesn't mean anything. Some people do save money for the things they really want, you know? And construction workers can make good money."

_____Anya shook her head as she opened a window. She sat in the chair before it, and lit a cigarette. "Astoria, you are so blinded. I seriously thought that you were just gonna mess around with her for a little bit then let her go like you do the others. That's why I didn't say anything to you before. But for some reason, it's like you don't see what's in front of you, and you're actually interested in her."

_____"Jesus, Anya. Stop with the games and just talk. What is it about Dre that you don't like."

_____"She's a fucking dealer, Astoria! She sells trees."

_____I just stared at her. "What do you mean? She sells a little weed?" I chuckled. "Who fucking doesn't? Didn't you date Danny? Isn't Danny one of the people you buy from? Anya, you yourself sell weed when we go to the club sometimes, it's no big deal."

_____Anya shook her head. "Danny can't even compare to Dre. Not even in his wildest dreams can he compare to Dre."

_____I sat on my bed slowly. "What do you know?"

_____She sighed. "Dre is big. How big, I don't know, but big enough that she's one of the biggest suppliers in this city. She's top shit around here. It's a fucking chain of command, Astoria, and she's on top. She got mad heads underneath her. She deals with various heads, who deal to other people, who deal to other people. Shit, that last person supplies to all the small assholes we get our shit from, even Danny."

_____"How do you know all this?"

_____She sighed. "Danny. I was curious about how he got started and he told me." She gave me a pointed look. "But none of what I say to you can ever leave this room, okay? He was an idiot for telling me in the first place, and the only reason I'm telling you is so you can smarten up."

_____I just nodded absentmindedly.

_____"Honey, that's why I broke it off with Danny. He was getting to be too much for me. When you end up dealing so much that you're actually making some money from it, that's when you get hot. Most just do it so they can smoke for free. Danny's talking about buying a Jetta. Cash. This time last year, I had to pay for dinner if I wanted to eat out with him."

_____I didn't know what to say. It didn't seem possible to me. I mean, if Dre sold weed, who cared? I smoked weed, so hell---perfect relationship right there. But if she was as big as Anya said she was it meant she could be trouble.

_____"I'm not saying she's a bad person." Anya finally said. "Just that I think you're getting in over your head here, that's all. Hell, honey, you may be tough, but deep down you're as innocent as they come. It's too dangerous."

_____I just nodded, feeling my eyes beginning to water. I wasn't sure what hurt most: the fact that Dre didn't even hint anything about this to me, or the fact that Anya was right and I'd have to stop seeing Dre.

_____I didn't waste any time. Not my style. The next day, I jumped the gun and took the bus over to Dre's loft. Graduation was the next day, I obviously had no classes and Dre was supposed to be at work. I don't know what I was planning on doing when I got there. I knew that if Dre truly wasn't home, I wanted to be there when she arrived after work. I didn't want to play any games, I wanted straight answers.

_____I walked into the lobby of the building, and took the elevator up to the top floor. As soon as I stepped out of the elevator, Dre's door opened and she stood in the doorway, wearing a tank, boxer shorts, and a robe, smoking a cigarette.

_____"How did you know I was here?" I asked.

_____"I could ask you the same thing." She countered; her voice still had traces of sleep.

_____"Can I come in?" I asked.

_____She nodded and stepped aside, letting me inside. Out of nervousness, I lit my own cigarette before I even sat on the sofa.

_____Dre walked over to the bar that separated the kitchen from the living room area. I watched her pour a drink. "You gonna tell me what's up?"

_____"What makes you think something's up?" I asked her. My hands were getting clammy. Why in the blue hell do I get so nervous around her?

_____"It's almost nine in the morning on the day before you graduate college. You have no classes, no appointments, and you're awake and here on your own." She downed the shot quickly. "So something's up."

_____"Do you deal?" I decided to just come out with it.

_____Dre just stared at me calmly for a moment, then she ran her fingers through her braids and sighed. She grabbed another glass, then poured some of the amber liquid into both. She brought the glasses into the living room area, handed me a glass, then sat down in the easy chair opposite me.

_____"I haven't known you for very long," She began, "but I know that you're the kind of woman I'd want in my life. I pride myself on being able to know and surround myself with people I can trust. That's how I've been able to survive this long. I've had to make a lot of sacrifices in my life. But I have only one goal that keeps me going. And that's to make sure that my moms, my little brother, and I can make it. By any means necessary. No apologies. I am what I am. This is the only way I knew how to be successful, and it's worked for me, and I'm cool with it."

_____"Don't you want better?" I asked. "Dre, you are an intelligent woman. You are so damn talented, why don't you just do something else?"

_____"I ain't gonna change, baby." She said softly. "Now, I've gone through this conversation with my mother, and I know how it turns out. I made my choice a long time ago, and I'm not changing my mind. So before you start a whole speech or something, just save it, please."

_____I stiffened. "Fine." I got to my feet, setting the glass on the coffee table. "You've made your choice, and I'm making mine."

_____I made it all the way to the front door praying she wouldn't say anything. Just stay silent Dre, and let me walk out the door, out of your life, and out of any chance of heart ache I know I'd endure in the future with you. But as soon as my hand touched the knob, I heard her slam the glass on the table.

_____"I don't get to trust that many people in my life, Astoria." Her voice was shaking. "And I've never met someone that I wanted to trust. I mean really trust. I want to trust you."

_____I didn't say anything.

_____"You wanna hear me say it, Astoria? That I want you in my life? That I need you in my life? That as soon as I first lay eyes on you in that car, I saw how beautiful you were. And not just because you're attractive, but the person that you are. Baby, you got this way about you that just hypnotizes me. The way you look at me is like catching me in this web, and all I want to do is just hold you, be with you, and take care of you. I can't force you to be with me, but I want you to. I've never wanted someone in my life like this before, and I do. And it's you."

_____"And what am I supposed to do? Just ignore it?" I asked, still facing the door, feeling a tear run down my cheek at her words. A woman always wants to hear those words. And damn her for saying them before my big exit.

_____"No. But I want you to accept me. See me, just Dre, for who I am. Not what I do."

_____Not fair. Not fucking fair. I hardly knew her. Barely a fucking month. No fucking fair that she was able to get to me like this. No fucking fair that I could feel this deeply for her so soon. "You should have told me."

_____"I'm not perfect. I never pretended that I was. But it's not like I could just tell you something like that. I can't just let anyone know what I do."

_____I didn't say anything. I just stared at that door telling myself to open it. Ordering myself actually. Just walk out. It's for the best. Anya was right. This was dangerous territory that I had absolutely no business in. Astoria, just walk out that door and don't look back.

_____I then heard her sigh. And it sounded so defeated.

_____Damn, damn, damn.

_____I don't know what came over me. But for some reason I turned around and just looked at her. And for the first time, I really got to see her. I got to see just how alone she was. How beaten she looked. She wasn't always the tough Dre that she shows everyone. Right now, she was vulnerable. This was the same woman who stayed up late to help me write papers, who listened to me while I worried, who always seemed to magically be there for me whenever I called.

_____And against every voice in my head that spoke, I walked over to Dre and took the glass out of her hand. She looked up at me, just as I lowered myself onto her lap and placed my arm around her neck.

_____"I see you." I said softly. "And I ain't going anywhere."

_____Dre wrapped her arms around my waist and held me tightly, as I felt her body shake. For the first time in my life, I watched her cry. She buried her face in my chest and just cried. I stayed silent and just held her feeling the tears run freely down my face as well. I kissed the top of her head and just closed my eyes. I didn't know what I was getting myself into, but my heart was telling me that I needed to be with her. And for the first time, I was going to listen. She needed me. And maybe I needed her too, who knows. But for some reason we were being pulled towards each other. And in my heart, this felt right.

_____Dre tipped her head back and looked at me through her tears.

_____"It's too soon, I know. But I feel like I love you, girl."

_____I just nodded. "I feel the same way."

_____Our eyes met and it was as if lightening struck. God, it's a sin for someone to have eyes like that. I could see the need and lust in her eyes and I knew that she wanted me. And when her lips touched mine, I could feel myself start to take flight. But this time was different. I had this urge to be as close to her as possible. Damn, this was it. This was the moment I was waiting for. I placed her hand over my breast, and when she pulled her head back and our eyes met again, I just nodded.

_____I let her stand me up, and felt her hands unbuttoning my dress, and I found my own hands pulling her tank and shorts off. I had never had this urgency before. This need to be touched, to be kissed, to be caressed. Every time Dre's fingers touched my skin, it felt like an erotic burn. We somehow managed to fall onto the sofa, kissing so hard, my lips felt like they were going to bruise.

_____Dre slid down to the floor, pulling me to the edge of the sofa as she spread my legs. She leaned forward kissing my lips again and I wrapped my legs around her waist, pulling her close to me.

_____Her lips found my neck, and I moaned at the exquisite feel of it. I was running my fingers through her braids, realizing just how wet I was, and how wet I was making her sofa. Her lips left my neck, trailing down my chest, until she met one of my nipples. She let her tongue snake out and gave my nipple a slow lick. She then sucked it into her mouth, holding it gently between her teeth as she gave it fast licks with the tip of her tongue, making me moan loudly.

_____"I want it." She whispered huskily. "Now."

_____I sat up, ready to kiss her, but she pushed me back. She pulled herself away from me, raising my legs even higher, resting them on her shoulders. Then she slid her hands under my ass, getting a good grip, then she literally lifted my ass up and off the sofa until my pussy was at her level. I was only touching the sofa by my upper back, but I didn't panic, because she had a good grip on me. Then I felt her mouth on my pussy and I just sighed. She literally devoured me. Her nails digging into my flesh, I felt her tongue slide deep into me, and I cried out. She was being so aggressive with me, at first I thought I should stop her, but my better half just told me to enjoy.

_____And did I ever. The entire morning she had me calling out her name. We made love, then fell away exhausted. At some point, I realized I was thirsty and had walked to the kitchen to fetch us some drinks, when I felt Dre come up behind me and her lips kissing the back of my shoulders. I felt her hand on my shoulder, pressing me down, and I bent forward till my breasts lay on the counter before me. Then I heard her drop to her knees behind me, spreading my legs wide, and her fingers were swiftly inside me, filling me. God this was fucking amazing.

_____"Wider." She said, forcing my legs even farther apart. Then I felt her lips on me, and I just closed my eyes relishing in the feel of this. I never knew that sex could feel this good.

_____I reached out to grab the other end of the counter for leverage when I felt Dre stand behind me. Her hands grasped my hips, and I felt something being pushed inside of me.

_____"Oh, shit " I moaned.

_____"You like that baby?" She whispered in my ear. I felt her pull her toy out of me partway, then push back inside making me moan again.

_____"Yes."

_____"I can't hear you."

_____"Yes!"

_____Dre pulled out of me, quickly spun me around and lifted me on top of the counter. Just as quickly, she was back between my legs, and inside me.

_____"I need you." Her breathless voice said before kissing my neck. I wrapped my legs around her waist, gripping her back. "I need you with me."

_____I was gasping with every thrust. "Dre "

_____She was moving her hips faster, and I could feel the power in her as she made love to me. This was not to be a gentle fucking. I held onto her as tightly as I could as she pounded into me. Never had I thought such roughness could feel so good.

_____Dre's lips found my neck, and I felt her teeth sink into my skin and I moaned so loud. Suddenly she lifted me away from the counter, and was supporting me on her own, practically impaling me. I was about to cum and I knew it. My nails were digging into her skin, and I was biting so hard on my bottom lip I was probably drawing blood. Everything soon went hot white as this catastrophic feeling seized my body, and I went rigid. Dre continued to fuck me hard until I heard her moaning my name loudly. We gripped each other, gasping for breath, until she started to slow down.

_____I don't know where she found the strength, because after an orgasm, I'm sometimes dead to the world. But with my legs still around her, Dre carried me down the hall to her bedroom, where we fell asleep in each other's arms.

_____The last thing that Dre whispered to me before I fell asleep was, "Never leave me "

_____And I answered back. "Never."

_____Was it love? I don't know. No one has ever been able to explain to me what love was. Everyone has his or her own idea or theory, but no one can really pinpoint the exact emotion that love is. Everyone says you'll know when you're in it. And I honestly felt that whatever it was that I felt for Dre had to be love. Or at least, damn near it. I hope it was. Because it helped propel me to do the unthinkable.

_____************

_____Guilty, guilty, guilty.

_____That word will always haunt my mind. I can close my eyes and just see the word permanently imprinted. When you hear that word, and know that it's being said about you, you can only hope that you deserve it. I'm serious. You should only hear that word if you were actually guilty. But I wasn't. I was innocent. But like a fool, I lied and said that I was. All for the sake of love. To protect the woman I loved. A woman who, by all means, was supposed to be off limits. But something kept drawing me to her. Maybe it was the danger; maybe it was the excitement of the unknown, I don't know. But all I know was that the day I finally made love to her nothing was the same again.

_____The day of my graduation was a big one. My parents were beaming of course, and when they met Dre (who I introduced as Andrea---her real name), they were charmed by her just as I was. My father had loudly echoed my own thoughts, wondering why such an intelligent woman settled for construction, but Dre had just told him that she had followed her heart and she made good money. And that was enough reason for him.

_____Watching my baby was amazing. How she complimented and fawned over my mother, and how she held competitive, political discussions with my father. She was a multi-faceted woman, and even though I fell for who I already knew she was, realization hit me that there was definitely more to her that I had to learn.

_____"I cannot believe you're still with her." Anya walked up beside me, while I watched Dre explain a building structure to my father. My mother was talking to one of the other mothers not to far away. Anya had already taken off her cap and gown. "Didn't you talk to her?"

_____"I did talk to her." I said.

_____"And?"

_____I turned to look at her. "I don't know, Anya. I'm not saying that you're wrong. I'm probably in over my head. But I care for her deeply. And I want to be with her."

_____"Are you out of your mind?" She grabbed my arm and pulled me towards a tree and away from listening ears. "Astoria, you cannot stay with this woman. You are not realizing what kind of person she is "

_____"Anya!" Dre called as she walked towards us. She slipped her arm around my waist and smiled. "What are you and my girl gossiping about?"

_____"Nothing, baby." I gave Anya a warning look before returning Dre's smile. "We're talking about Jamaica, that's all."

_____"Yeah. Jamaica." Anya took a step back. "Don't forget, we leave tomorrow, bright and early. I know you'll want to spend the evening with Dre and your family, so I'll see you back at the dorms later, okay?"

_____I just nodded.

_____Anya nervously smiled at Dre, and then walked away.

_____Dre kissed my forehead. "She's the one that told you about me, huh?"

_____I immediately stiffened, not knowing what to say. Think fast, think fast. "She's just worried that I don't know what I'm getting myself into, that's all. She's my best friend, she cares about me."

_____Dre forced me to look her in the eye. "I won't let anything happen to you. You got my word. I will take care of you and protect you. I swear."

_____I smiled. "I know, baby. And she'll realize that soon too. Don't worry. By the time we come back from Jamaica, she'll be head over heels for you, almost as much as I am."

_____Dre chuckled before kissing me again. But I could see the look of worry in her eyes. I knew what she was thinking. If Anya went off the handle, she could screw Dre over. And I couldn't let that happen. I had to get Anya to at least see my side on this, even if she didn't fully support it.

_____But Anya had surprised me as soon I walked into our room that night.

_____"Listen, don't say anything until you've heard me out, ok?"

_____I just nodded as I sat on my bed.

_____"I'm not gonna lie. My gut instincts tell me you are making the biggest mistake of your life. But I know that love can be blind, so I'm not going to start a war with you on this." She lit a cigarette and sighed. "I talked to Danny for some advice. And word is that Dre never really had a girl before. I mean, she dated and shit, but she never got serious with anyone. He said that if Dre's serious about you, it's gotta be a good thing. And maybe he's right. I don't have all the answers. But maybe you're supposed to be her savior or something her conscience, who knows? But I just want you to keep your eyes open and be careful, alright?"

_____I nodded. "Alright."

_____Anya rolled her eyes. "We're girls, I got your back on this. Don't worry."

_____I just laughed and jumped on top of her, hugging her tightly. "You'll see. Dre is going to be the best thing that's ever happened to me." And I truly did believe it. God, what an idiot I was. I had no idea what was in store for me.

_____But first, the vacation. Jamaica was the shit! Oh my god. Let me stop to say that if you are not a skeleton thin woman, your ass needs to go to Jamaica. Even if you're not into men, you'll appreciate how much they appreciate a thick woman. Anya and I couldn't go anywhere without being whistled or hollered at. And the clubs were off the hook! Our very first night in Kingston, we went to the Cactus Club, and danced until we were positively exhausted and drunk off our asses. Every night we partied in some form or fashion. And faithfully, every night, I'd call Dre to let her know I was okay. She always sounded extremely busy, but made time to speak to me, telling whomever she was with to come back later.

_____"I hope you're having a great time and not thinking about me." She said. It was my third night there, and I was alone in our hotel room.

_____"How can I not think about you? I can't wait to be in your arms again." I said honestly.

_____"Nah, live it up, alright? You'll never know when you'll have this chance again."

_____"Yes, ma'am." I said giggling. "Can you tell I'm high as a kite?"

_____"If you were in Jamaica and weren't, I'd be kicking your ass as soon as you got home."

_____"Yeah, yeah, yeah." I yawned. "Mmm, I think it's past my bedtime."

_____"Why aren't you out anyway? I'm surprised Anya's letting ya'll stay in."

_____"Anya has a date."

_____Dre chuckled. "Are you serious?"

_____"For real. We were at the beach this morning, and she met up with some guy."

_____"Your girl doesn't waste any time, does she?"

_____"Anya? Please. When it comes to dick, she's right on time."

_____And to prove my point, when Anya did finally walk into our hotel room at almost three in the morning, she had this glazed look in her eyes as she carefully walked to her bed.

_____"You ok?" I asked. She was taking the most careful steps as if she was drunk, but I knew she wasn't.

_____"Girl, I don't even know." She flopped down on her bed. "I don't even know how I walked here."

_____I laughed. "Was it that good?"

_____"Good?" She asked me. "Shit, why did I sit, I need to pee. Hell yeah, it was good. Oh my God, that boy had me screaming, do you hear me? SCREAMING." She got back to her feet and started for the bathroom. "Every woman should try Jamaican dick, that's all I gotta say. You'll never be the same afterwards. It should be mandatory for every fucking woman to fuck a Jamaican dick."

_____I laughed.

_____"Well, in your case it's different." She walked into the bathroom. "Maybe they make straps here or something. Goddamn, if it's Jamaican made, it's gotta be good. We'll find your ass a genuine Rastafarian-made dildo or something to take back to Dre. Goddamn, my legs are sore." Then she closed the door, leaving me laughing so hard I fell off the bed.

_____By the time we got back to the states, I was refreshed and ready to take on the world. Anya and I settled into our new apartment, and I was ready to start my career.

_____When I finally started my job, I was thrust into this fast-paced, competitive world that really took me for a loop. I had interned at the company during my senior year, but the four months of my internship couldn't have prepared me for all the responsibilities I'd have. But I loved it. I was in my element, being creative, sharing my ideas and designs, and being mentored by some extremely talented people. Every time I rose for work in the morning, I literally jumped out of bed, not being able to wait to start my day.

_____Dre was a big driving force behind me. Many nights, I'd be at her place sketching while she handled her own business. She'd walk by me, look over my shoulder, and suggest a change here, a different cut there, or the use of a possible fabric. And I had to admit that she did have good taste and ideas. One day, I walked into her loft, and found about a dozen bolts of fabric and a sewing machine in the room she let me draw in when I needed quiet. She had just smiled and told me that I needed to start putting what was on paper, on actual people. It made me work even harder. I was producing sketches for my job, and also some that I kept for myself and actually making into garments. Pretty soon, what I was designing, I was wearing while I went out with Dre.

_____She totally loved showing me off. I wasn't like the other girlfriends or wives of the friends she had or the people she did business with. As chicky as I could be, I could still watch the game with them, and understand what was going on. I could actually participate in a lot of the conversations they had, while the other women would just sit and talk about the latest music video or their favourite celebrities. I could tell on instant, that I wasn't really accepted by these women. They made me feel like an outsider, and I had to admit that I was in a way. I didn't come from their neighbourhood, I didn't know any of them, and I definitely wasn't used to this kind of life. I really wasn't like them, but I definitely wasn't losing sleep over it. But when those girls found out that I designed, all of a sudden I was their best friend. They saw the clothes I wore, and immediately wanted variations for themselves. And even though I was initially against it, out of spite for those two-faced vultures, Dre insisted that I do it for them. Not only would it help keep The Bitches---as she called them, not I---happy, but it gave me exposure on my own, since the designs I did for my job were under the name of the fashion house label. And, as usual, Dre was right, and I knew it. No matter where I turned, she always seemed to be looking out for me, and it was a comforting feeling.

_____She was slowly starting to let me into her world. Little by little, she was hiding less and less from me. I learned to never question anything that she did. Dre knew what was best for her, and I just tried to fit my time in with hers. When she had to go out of town for a few days, I just made sure that she ate before she left, and went shopping and stocked her fridge while she was gone. And through my busy schedule, I tried to be available whenever she needed me. I noticed that around the end of every month, Dre always took a three-day vacation. She always looked a little tense before she left, but would come back calm as ever. Those days before she left, I would try to be as upbeat as I could, making her laugh, trying to get her mind off of business. And every time she'd look at me and give me that smirk, I knew I was doing right.

_____There were days I wouldn't see Dre at all, and since I was so immersed in my job, I didn't really take that much notice. Not until she'd call me up out of the blue, and take me out for a romantic dinner at Nina's (which soon became my favourite place in the world), or to just spend a lazy evening in just talking or making love.

_____Day after day, I was getting used to my life with Dre and I think vice-versa. I soon realized that Dre wasn't really used to having a girlfriend. She never had to really share her life with anyone on a personal level outside of her family. I knew that the girls she dated before me didn't really take the time to know her and her family. And, of course, I had to be different. Around the time of our fifth month together, I finally asked Dre if I could meet her mother and brother. The look on her face totally threw me. What I saw was fear.

_____"You want to meet my family?" She asked.

_____I nodded. "Shouldn't I want to?"

_____She shrugged. "I'm just protective, that's all." And we left it at that.

_____I soon realized how protective over her family she truly was. Her mother and brother had absolutely no clue as to what she did. They lived a few cities away, and we took a day and drove up to see them. As soon as I met her mother, I realized why Dre felt the need to take care of her. Lorelei Walker was sick with breast cancer. Around the time she found out her diagnosis, was around the same time that Dre had moved out. At first it sounded odd to me, but then I put two and two together, and realized that Dre truly did start dealing once she realized how sick her mother was. As soon as she could, Dre talked her mother out of working and concentrating on getting herself better, while Dre footed the bills for both her and her younger brother. Dre had bought the house they lived in, under the same pretense that it was rundown and she had fixed it up first before they moved in. She had even set up a bank account for Lorelei and Antoine, so they never had to worry about money. As long as Dre was careful and never got caught, her family would be okay. I realized how much pressure Dre had on her shoulders, and that only made me love her more.

_____I was now becoming more and more involved in Dre's life. I had my own little routine. Usually I spent most nights working at home, but every Wednesday and Sunday, I'd spend the evening with Lorelei, helping her with this and that, but mostly to just keep her company. She was a wonderful woman, always positive, regardless of the diagnosis that her doctors gave her. She had been through treatments off and on, and had to have a double mastectomy. But she was the typical strong black mother. She kept after Antoine, making sure he was a good student, and, I suspected, worried about Dre more than she cared to admit. But she seemed to always have a smile on, despite whatever happened. And Antoine was adorable. At twelve, the thought he knew everything, but truly was a sweet boy. He and I got along well. We were both into video games, so Dre and Lorelei would often find us zoned out playing his Playstation. Every day I spent with him, I found myself becoming more and more attached to him. It got to a point that whenever I'd come around, he'd spend every possible moment with me.

_____"You love my sister?" He asked me out of the blue one day.

_____"Yes. I do." I said simply.

_____"And she loves you?"

_____"I believe so, yes." I didn't know where this was leading, so I wanted to be careful with my answers.

_____He thought it over for a moment then said, "Good. Cuz I love you too. You're cool." Then he went back to his homework, leaving me in surprised shock at his frankness, but welcoming the kind of innocent honesty that only children can give.

_____If I ever had a son, I hoped he would be like Antoine. He was so inquisitive and sweet; I just generally enjoyed spending time with him. I could tell that Dre's idea of them moving out to the suburbs was a good one. Antoine was a happy, carefree, easygoing kid with hardly any worries. Not like a lot of the kids I knew that lived in our area, who looked like they lived their lives like they were ready for war.

_____And I think that's when Dre realized I was here to stay. When our relationship first started getting serious, I had this feeling of being watched, as if I was being tested somehow. And slowly, the further our relationship went I noticed little things happening. The first thing to happen? Dre gave me a copy of the keys to the loft. Now, let me pause for a moment to explain something. Always be on the alert when your girl gives you the key to her place. It almost never means that she trusts you. It means that she is testing you. Now you have the freedom of being able to walk in and out of her domain without her help. Most women will be stupid and take it as an invitation to spend even more time at their place. Never, never start just showing up out of the blue. One, it means that you're overstepping your boundaries, and two, your girl will think you don't trust her.

_____So when Dre gave me the keys to her place, I just graciously took them, added them onto my key ring, and promptly forgot about them. Half the time, Dre had to remind me that I had the keys and I could just let myself in if I wanted to come by, which I would do---but after clearing it with her first. And I still never came over without her knowing about it ahead of time. If I knew she wasn't going to be there, my ass would be tracking her down first to call and let her know I wanted to come by her place. And I always made sure to never touch her things. I had my own business to worry about. When I was there, it was either to sew or to meet her. No reason for me to start snooping just because she wasn't there---another mistake a lot of women make once they get that key. Eventually, about two months after she gave me the keys, Dre had to sit me down and let me know that it was okay for me to come and go as I pleased. That she trusted me, and it was fine.

_____I passed.

_____Next thing to happen? She left a roll of money on kitchen counter. I'm not stupid, I know my baby. She does not accidentally forget a roll of bills. And even if she did, I'm not stupid. I promptly called her on her cell and just let her know. She did it twice actually. The second time, it was a few hundred-dollar bills on the coffee table. I decided not to even call her. I just sat in the living room and just watched television. When she came home, she gave me a kiss, then saw the money on the table.

_____"Why didn't you take it, baby? I left it for you."

_____I just shrugged. "It's not mine, I'm not gonna touch it. Next time, leave me a note or message." You go, girl.

_____Passed again.

_____Next. She went for the big guns. She left weed in the bedroom. Just laying out on the nightstand. I wasn't the most educated when it came to weighing weed, but I could pretty much tell by sight that she had left behind about an ounce. Now, the reason a lot of people get caught in this test, is that they will take out "just a pinch", thinking that whoever left it, won't notice. Hell no. That's what scales are for. Never, never, never touch the weed. She left it on the nightstand, and when she came back, she found it on the nightstand.

_____"You didn't want to smoke?"

_____I shrugged. "Wasn't sure if you had plans for it. But if you want to smoke, I'll roll." I smiled. A definite way to your girl's heart, even if you don't smoke yourself: know how to roll.

_____Passed again. And this time, I was in.

_____It was about October. I had let myself in with my keys, and practically collapsed on the sofa. I was beat. My eyes hurt, my hands hurt, my feet hurt, my brain hurt damn, even my ass hurt for sitting so long on the damn chair while I was sketching.

_____"What happened to you?" Dre appeared out of nowhere and planted a kiss on my forehead.

_____"Stupid people who want stupid miracles." I answered.

_____She chuckled as she passed me a blunt. "Here, smoke this. You know you're the bomb, baby. They're working you hard now, because they know that you're gonna make it big. You just gotta pay your dues, that's all."

_____"I know, I know, I know." I took a hit. "I'm just a little overworked, that's all."

_____She sat beside my head. "We gotta talk."

_____Oh yeah, that got my attention. I took another hit and passed it back to her, sitting up. "What's wrong?"

_____She shook her head. "Nothing, baby. But I figured it was time that we had this talk, that's all."

_____"What talk."

_____She smiled. "The what if' talk."

_____Nope. I didn't like the sound of this at all. "What do you mean?"

_____She took her time to answer. "I love you. You know that. And I promised to do whatever I could to protect you. And I will. But you know what I'm into, and you know it ain't safe. And I want to make sure that you're safe at all times."

_____"I'm not touching it." I said as I got to my feet knowing exactly where this was leading.

_____"Astoria "

_____"Dre, you know how I feel. I'm not touching it."

_____She sighed. "You don't understand "

_____"I understand completely. You want me to be able to protect myself. But I'm not going there."

_____"Astoria "

_____"Dre "

_____"ASTORIA!"

_____Silence. I just stared at her in shock. She had never raised her voice to me before.

_____"Damn, woman. You act like I want you to go out there shootin' people and shit. All I want is for you to be able to know how to use one, just in case something happens."

_____"What's gonna happen?" I asked.

_____She shook her head. "I don't know. And I don't know when. Any day I can get caught, baby. Either by the police or by some ambitious asshole. That's the game I live. And if you're gonna be with me, you gotta be prepared."

_____I walked to the window and stared out at the street. Dre walked up behind me, wrapping her arms around my waist. "I know you're scared, boo. But believe me, you won't be if you know how to use one. Okay?"

_____I just nodded, not saying anything.

_____"I never wanted to live like this, you know. Shit, I always thought I'd have a regular job, married to a fine-ass woman like yourself, have a couple of kids and shit. I never pictured my life like this."

_____"Then why did you do it?" I asked. "It's not like you didn't have options."

_____She shook her head. "When my moms got sick, I needed money for her and fast. She didn't have insurance and she needed chemo. Doctors want to save your life, but they want their money too. This is the only way I knew to get the money quick."

_____I turned in her arms, facing her. "Once you were set, why didn't you just stop?"

_____She smiled. "You can't just stop when you make it to where I'm at. Shit, the dude I took over for didn't just stop."

_____"What happened to him?" I asked.

_____She stared at me in silence. And I understood.

_____"I got lucky, baby. Most niggas gotta work their way up and shit. They gotta earn a lot of people's trust. Me? I just met the right guy at the right time. He realized I was serious and decided to take me under his wing and shit." She smiled. "I think he wanted to make some kind of an example out of me since I was a chick. But I did right and I earned his respect. And soon, everyone else's."

_____"People are afraid of you." I said softly.

_____She nodded. "I ain't never asked for that, believe me. But business is business. If you show one moment of weakness, these niggas will run you down in a heartbeat. No joke. If someone fucks with me or my shit, they gotta pay the consequences."

_____It sent chills down my spine to hear her say these words, even though I understood.

_____"And you, Miss Thang. You gotta stay safe. I want you to be able to protect yourself." Her eyes narrowed and I knew it meant she meant business. "Understood?"

_____I nodded and let her kiss me, even though my heart was banging in my chest.

_____I think this is when I had my first doubt. The first time I actually had second thoughts in the six months Dre and I had been together. I had thought Dre's other life wouldn't really touch our life together. So, it felt safe. I mean seeing a deal here and there, meeting with some of her contacts, stuff like that was okay. I could deal with that. But now the stakes were getting higher and I wasn't sure if I could cut it.

_____Dre must have had some faith in me, because on Saturday, she drove us out to a friend's house in the country where we had target practice for two hours. She had presented me with my own piece. We decided to keep it in the loft, nearby so I could get to it in a hurry if I needed too. She had raised the point of my needing protection if I was out by myself, but one look from me and she knew that this was as far as I would go. At least for now. By the time we left the practice range, I knew all the basics to protecting myself, and another part of my innocence had died.

_____It was as if I had just unlocked the door to some tidal wave, because all of a sudden there was no more hiding. Dre would conduct business in front of me as if I wasn't even there. I'd be walking around the loft and see bricks upon bricks of weed on tables, waiting to be distributed. Money was flying, people were talking, and I was the silent one, sketching or reading, usually minding my own business unless Dre needed me to figure something out with her. She knew I had her back, and she felt comfortable with that. I was now a part of them.

_____I was living the lifestyle and I was getting so accustomed to it. I never questioned a damn thing. When December hit and my birthday came around, Dre surprised me with a new Volkswagen Jetta. For Christmas, I got a platinum diamond solitaire ring. For New Years Eve, Dre took me to New York City, and we lived it up in a posh hotel like we were born rich. Money was available to me like you wouldn't believe. Even though I made my own money, Dre would hand me a few hundred dollars and send me shopping for a day with Anya or sometimes, to make nice with The Bitches. And I think Anya got caught up as well, because there was never a hint of argument from her anymore. We had it made.

_____It wasn't until late January that things started getting hot. The avalanche always sends some small snowflakes first before it hits. And the snowflakes were starting to fall.

_____It was an exceptionally bright day for January, so I had decided to sketch by the large picture window in the main part of the loft, under natural light. I must have been sketching for about twenty minutes, when my eyes shifted downward and I saw a dark red car parked across the street from the building. I didn't think anything of it at first, but as I sketched, I realized that I had seen the same car sitting in the same spot the day before. I remembered vividly, because one, I had never seen the car in the neighbourhood before, and two, Dre wanted to change the colour of her SUV, and I thought the red would be nice. I made a mental note to tell her, and then I forgot about it.

_____Two days later, I'm dragging a bolt of fabric into the building. I got a little tired, so I stopped on the top step to take a breath. I must have looked up for some reason, when I noticed a glint in one of the windows in the building across the street. When my eyes focused, I noticed a person just standing in the window. I had my wool cap on, so whoever couldn't see me looking up, but I could tell they were looking down at me. It gave me an odd feeling, so I forced myself to continue dragging the fabric inside. And as I closed the building door, my eyes, for some reason settled on the dark red car, which, of course, was in the same spot.

_____About a week after that, after making love to Dre, she went to take a shower, while I went to the kitchen to fix us some lunch. I'm naked (like I usually am at her place), and as I'm walking, I realize that the drapes to the big picture window were still wide open. So, I walk over to draw them shut, and as I close them, that same kind of glint caught my eye. Keeping the drapes closed, I peek out through a small opening, and focused on the window across the street from us. Another person is standing in the same window staring right at our window, with binoculars.

_____Oh God, no. It felt like my heart had just stopped beating in my chest. No, no, no, no, no. This wasn't happening. Not now, not like this.

_____My first instincts were to run to Dre, but I stopped myself. What if I was wrong? What if I panicked her for no reason? Oh God, what to do, what to do? So I sat and thought. It was Saturday. Dre had just come back from one of her travels the night before. The boys were going to come by later that evening to take what was theirs. If something was going to happen, it was definitely going to happen tonight. Every instinct in my body told me something was going to happen.

_____Shit, shit, shit! If she got busted, her mother would be totally heartbroken. And what about Antoine? The last time we had visited with her mother, on the way back, Dre had mentioned the possibility having to raise Antoine. The cancer had returned and her mother was getting sick again. And this time the doctors' didn't seem hopeful. She had actually talked about getting out of the game so she could raise her little brother. She had well enough money saved. And her mother had already talked to her about it. If Dre got busted, who would take care of Antoine once Lorelei was gone?

_____And at that moment, I made the biggest decision of my life.

_____"I thought you were going to cook?" Dre's voice broke my thoughts.

_____"Huh?" I asked, getting to my feet. She was fully dressed.

_____Her eyebrow rose in amusement. "Look at you, all naked. You're making me want to tap that ass again."

_____I forced myself to smile. "Yeah, whatever."

_____She just kissed my lips gently. "Don't bother with lunch. I gotta run out for a little bit, you'll be alright while I'm gone?"

_____I just nodded. "I may leave for a little bit. I have to pick up some things for dinner tonight. Everyone's coming by, right?"

_____"Yeah, but you don't gotta cook for them niggas."

_____"Well, it'll be nice to have something anyway." I insisted.

_____She pulled a couple of bills out of her pocket and handed them to me. "Cook til your heart's content. You won't get any argument from me."

_____I just laughed.

_____After she left, I quickly got dressed, throwing on some sweats and sneakers. I walked into my art room and pulled out a few bolts of fabric and unrolled each. I took a deep breath, and went to the hall closet. I felt along the inside wall carefully until I felt the little hidden trap door. I pushed it open and there it was. Dre's monthly usual: one hundred pounds of marijuana, already in bricks, just waiting. And for the first time, in a long time I prayed.

_____It took me about an hour, and about six bolts of fabric, to move all the bricks from Dre's loft to my car. When I had the weed in the car, I made one final sweep of the apartment to make sure that absolutely nothing was left behind. I packed all of Dre's scales and guns in my totes. I went through all her drawers and any phone numbers I found, I tore up and packed in my totes as well---you NEVER throw anything away in the trash. It can always be pieced together and pushed in your face later on.

_____When I was sure that the place was completely clean, I left, driving over to my place, where I unloaded everything and stashed them in my room. I had to move quickly, unrolling all the bolts, hiding the bricks in my closet and the trunks filled with fabric I kept in my room. Then I had to move the bolts back to Dre's so she wouldn't notice anything, but first making a stop at the bridge, to get rid of all the guns. I raced back to Dre's as quickly as I could to set everything back up. When I was finished, the first thing I did was take a peek out the window and that person was still in the window. I breathed a sigh of relief. At least I hadn't tipped them off.

_____By the time Dre walked in, it was four hours later and I was in the middle of frying chicken.

_____"Mmm " She kissed my cheek. "That smells good, boo. Those idiots are gonna be here in about an hour."

_____I just nodded. Keep turning the chicken. Make sure it's even.

_____She stopped and stared at me. "You ok?"

_____"Yeah, why?" Keep your eyes on the chicken.

_____"You seem a little shaky."

_____I shrugged. "I'm not feeling well."

_____"What's wrong?"

_____"I think I'm getting sick."

_____She placed her hand over my forehead. "Damn, you do feel warm. Why don't you just let me finish up here and go lay down?"

_____"No, no, I'll be fine. And besides, you know they like my chicken better than yours."

_____"You little bitch." She joked, and playfully smacked my ass before lighting a cigarette. "I don't know what I'd do without you though."

_____"You'll think of something." I winked at her. Was I really okay? I felt like my heart was pounding so loud that she had to have been able to hear it.

_____She bit her bottom lip, lust suddenly in her eyes. "You ever fucked while you were sick?"

_____"You are positively disgusting, Dre."

_____She laughed. "You love me though."

_____And it'll distract her for a while, I thought. I lowered the heat on the chicken and let her lead me to the sofa in the living room area. Every time her lips touched my skin, I just wanted to cry. In my heart I knew that this may be the last time I was able to have her touch me like this.

_____But we weren't able to finish. We had only cum our first time, when the doorbell rang. Dre cursed then got to her feet while I rushed to get dressed and back into the kitchen. I soon heard the normal sounds of Dre greeting the guys. In about a half hour, everyone had arrived and I just stayed in the kitchen, my heart in total fear of when Dre would realize what happened.

_____I didn't have to wait long.

_____"WHAT THE FUCK!" I heard her scream.

_____I could feel myself getting faint. I had to force myself to sit down at the table.

_____"What the fuck is this bullshit!" I heard something crash and I knew she was tearing the closet apart.

_____"Yo, Dre, what's wrong?" I heard someone ask.

_____"My fucking shit is gone! I just brought that shit in last night, how the fu ASTORIA!" I heard her thunderous footsteps on the floor before she walked into the kitchen.

_____"What the fuck happened?" She asked me. Her eyes were clouded over with anger and mistrust, and I had never been so scared of her.

_____"What are you talking about?" I asked. My voice was sounding hoarse. Shit, don't tell me I was seriously worrying myself sick.

_____"My fucking shit is gone. You and I were the only people in this fucking house today. Where's my shit?"

_____"I don't know."

_____"What do you mean you don't know?" She slammed her fist against the wall, making me jump. "I checked on that shit before I left the house. You were the only person here."

_____"Baby, I don't know. I was only gone for a couple of hours "

_____"Where did you go?"

_____"To the supermarket to get food. And I stopped by my place to pick up some things to sketch "

_____This time she punched the wall. I could feel the tears already streaming down my face. I was so frightened I didn't know what to do. I couldn't tell her. I just couldn't. Not yet.

_____"Tell me you didn't fuck with my shit. Just tell me, and I'll believe you." She said.

_____The last thing I wanted to do was blatantly lie to her, even if it was for her own good. But I had no choice. "I didn't "

_____Before I got to finish, we heard a crash and then, "This is the police, everyone put your hands up!"

_____Dre's eyes widened as she reached for me, and I just broke down and cried as I lay my head on her shoulder.

The game was over.

To Be Continued

Copyright © 2002. Used by permission of author. All Rights Reserved.