by
M. Rahim

(Part 4)
Val was holding the cordless phone, which was on. It didn't take a genius to figure out that someone was on the other end, but that didn't stop Val from hanging up.

Hmmm?

Then she tossed the phone to the kids and ordered them off into the living room. I thought this was odd because normally Val would never have done that. She was usually very particular about what went on in her house. She didn't like the kids running up her phone bill and monitored their use pretty strictly. But not on this day.

After giving them the phone, she shuffled me off into our bedroom as far away from the phone as possible. All the while, I was laughing to myself. I found it very entertaining to watch her squirm as she attempted to keep up such a stupid charade.

Once in the bedroom she hugged and kissed me. "I missed you so much baby. Why didn't you tell me you was comin'. I would've made plans to take you out or something."

"Yeah, I bet." I mumbled under my breath, just loud enough for her to hear.

"What's that supposed to mean?" she asked nervously.

"Nothing. I just wanted to . . . surprise you. That's all."

I looked over at the night stand and could see the red LED light flickering on the phone charger.

"The phone's ringin'." I said to her.

She jumped up and ran out of the room . . . just like I knew she would. There was a commotion but I didn't rush to check it out. I took off my coat and hung it in the closet, lit a cigarette (yeah, I started smoking), then went to see what was really going on.

I stood in the doorway to the living room and watched Val huddled in some secretive meeting with the kids. They were obviously talking about something I wasn't supposed to hear.

"If she calls back tell her my girl's here and I can't talk or better yet, tell her I left."

Val was so busy prepping them with her lies that she didn't even notice me standing there.

"Where's the party at?" I shouted. Val nearly jumped out of her skin.

The phone rang again.

Everyone stood there dumbfounded, not really sure what to do next. Apparently, Val hadn't prepped them for this scenario. I took another drag off my cigarette then calmly walked over to Christopher and grabbed the phone from him. Val turned white. I smiled at her, then went back to the bedroom.

"Hello?" I answered, but no one responded. I could hear her breathing though. "I know it's you Tawana, so stop playin' games." Suddenly, the line went dead. I put the phone on the charger and sat down to wait for Val, giving her plenty of time to get her lies together.

It was pretty evident that Val had intended on spending the night with the girl but I showed up, which threw a monkey wrench in their whole plan.

Finally, Val came draggin' her sorry ass back in the bedroom. She plopped down on the bed as if she were exhausted. I guess keeping track of so many lies would make any body tired. I was sitting at the computer desk, rolling a blunt.

"So . . . you're still fuckin' that girl, huh?" It was more like a statement than a question.

"No! Damn, I told you it ain't like that!" She was so defensive . . . too defensive.

"Oh really! You were supposed to chill wit her tonight wasn't you?"

"No!"

"Then why she keep blowin' up the phone?"

"I don't know. I told her to stop callin' me a long time ago."

The door bell rang suddenly, and I had a pretty good idea who it was.

"Whatever Val! You need to take your lyin' ass downstairs and handle your problem cuz I don't wanna be dealin' wit this drama for the next two weeks."

"But . . ." She started on another lie but then the bell rang again. I just looked at her and she understood what would happen next if that bell rang one more time. Val jumped up and ran downstairs.

Just as I was sparking up my blunt, Rene walked in. She was Val's ex from ten years ago but they were still friends. Rene's daughter, Monique, was one of the kids at the house. She sat on the bed and I passed her the blunt.

"Girl, what the hell is goin' on?" She asked.

"Don't play dumb Rene. You know . . . everybody knows!"

She just shook her head in shame and I could tell she was dyin' to tell me everything. But her loyalty to Val overruled her own sense of guilt. We both sat there in silence passing the blunt back and forth. I guess the silence was making her uncomfortable because she got up to take her leave before the blunt was even half finished. It was unheard of for Rene to skip out on a session, but not that day.

Just as she was leaving, Val returned.

"Phew! I'm sorry about all of this, but she's gone now. I don't know why that girl is trippin' like this." She spoke nonchalantly.

"Don't play games! You know damn well why she's trippin' Val!" Tawana was suffering from the other woman syndrome' just like I once was.

"Come on baby! Don't start with that again. I already told you . . ."

"I know what you told me. I also know that you're a liar so nothing you say really matters. Why don't you just come clean? I mean, it's so obvious what's goin' on. Just tell me the truth!"

At that point, I was pleading with her for honesty, but Val just couldn't bring herself to do it. She vehemently denied everything. She even made the girl out to be some kind of psycho stalker.

But I knew better.

"Don't flatter yourself Val. You ain't that fly."

"Fuck you!" She spat venemously.

"No, fuck you nigga! You got a lotta fuckin' nerve, don't you. Don't be mad at me cuz this shit is blowin' up in your face!"

"I'm sorry." She said sincerely. "I just want you to believe me."

"Well I want you to be honest for once in your life, but we can't always get what we want now can we?"

"Don't be such a smart-ass!"

"Don't be such a liar!"

"Why are you actin' like this?" She sounded truly frustrated.

"Because you're a liar and I hate you for that. You keep sittin' there lookin' me right in the eye, lyin' to my fuckin' face. And you got the nerve to be actin' like somebody's doin' sooo much to you! The worst part is that you've been bringin' that bitch into our home . . . fuckin' her in our bed! What kinda shit is that? We never fucked in this house before Linda left. But I guess you don't think I'm worth even that much respect, huh?"

I picked up some anonymous objects and began to hurl them at her in a fit of rage. Then I charged Val like a linebacker. I tackled her on the bed and started choking her. It was like I stepped outside of my own body. I could see myself trying to kill her, but I was too enraged to stop. With a great deal of concentration, I was able to regain control of myself. I let go of Val's neck and got up as if nothing happened.

The attack must've scared the shit out of her, because moments later she finally confessed. Yes she was fucking Tawana and yes Tawana was upset that Val was blowing her off for me and yes she did fuck her in our bed but only because it was cheaper than a hotel.

I was sick to my stomach with anger, disgust and worst of all embarrassment. Everyone all of our friends, the kids had been witnesses to all the shit Val was doing behind my back. I was the last one to know. She got everyone to lie for her. Val desperately wanted to believe that she was some kind of Don Juanita, but I knew what she really was . . . just another lyin' ass nigga out for self.

The ball was in my court now. I had a choice . . . either stay and put blinders on like Linda did for so long or I could say, "Fuck this!" and move on with my life . . . for real this time. The answer was simple . . .

Fuck you Val!

I did, however, decide to stay for the remainder of my visit. But I didn't do it for Val. I only stayed because I needed to be away from Boston for at least a little while. I hated being there. It was so hard watching my mother die and my family fall apart.

It was also hard living in a new city. I'd spent my entire life in New York and it was so hard to adjust to a place like Boston. These two cities are like total opposites. I also decided not to reveal my break up plans to Val until I went back home. She was under the impression that we were gonna stay together and I couldn't wait to burst her bubble.

We argued almost the entire time I was there, but not because of Tawana. Val wasn't too happy when I refused to have sex with her. I didn't even want to sleep in the same bed with her. I only threw fuel on the fire by making little smart, sarcastic remarks every chance I got. For instance, if she tried to kiss me I would say something like, "Ill!! I don't wanna kiss you. I don't know whose pussy you been eatin'." Stuff like that would piss her off so bad, but I didn't give a shit. I even called my new friend, Sarina, to let her know that I would be back right after New Year's and that I was lookin' forward to seeing her more seriously. Sarina was more than happy to be my new main squeeze.

As soon as I got back to Boston, I called Val. I told her that I could not allow her to keep treating me like shit. I told her that maybe we could be friends someday, but in the mean time I wanted her to leave me the hell alone.

It was over.

A few days later and much to my surprise, Val showed up in Boston, out of the blue. I didn't even know she was coming. I picked her up from South Station bus terminal and let her spend the night at my family's house, but only because it was too late for her to go back to New York. We sat up the whole night talking.

Well actually, Val did all the talking. She cried like a baby, beggin' and pleadin' with me for forgiveness. But I wasn't moved by it. There was nothing she could have said to change my mind at that point. I was done . . . for always and eternity.

That's when I realized that I did not love Val. I couldn't have been in love because it was so easy for me to walk away from her. I didn't feel bad. I didn't cry. I just wanted her out of my life. I was learning to respect myself in a way that I never did before this experience. Many things happened to me throughout my life that had stripped away my ability to love and respect myself. But I was in the process of changing that. Val wanted me to love her, but loving myself was far more important than what that selfish bitch wanted.

The rise and fall of my love affair with Valerie Foster was not a complete and total waste of time. The time we spent together forever affected any and all of my future encounters with other potential partners. This relationship helped me set a higher standard for the type of people I sought out as friends and lovers. Before meeting Val, I barely had any standards.

Everything I look for in a person from their physical appearance to their personalities have been shaped by this one very dysfunctional relationship. Even my sexual preferences what turns me on and what doesn't have been affected. By the time the affair was over I had a better sense of what I needed and didn't need in a relationship; and I had a better sense of who I was as a person . . . as a woman.

I certainly learned many important lessons. Things you can only learn through experience. I learned never to sell myself short for anyone. I learned never to compromise my dignity or lower my standards. And most importantly, I learned that I deserve to be happy and that I don't have to sacrifice that for anyone.

Happiness comes from within.

Copyright © 2004. Used by permission of author. All Rights Reserved.