by
D. Alexandria aka Glitter
During the first two years of my relationship with Alexus, the phone company was my best friend. Not one day went by that I didn’t have contact with her. Either we talked or played voicemail tag, but we were able to hear each other’s voice at least once a day. As much as it felt like torture not seeing her, I did have an appreciation for it at times. We didn’t get caught up in the physical side of our dating, being able to explore each other’s minds and personalities, and it helped us grow closer than I could have ever imagined. I was back in the studio starting the work for my third album, and I did have downtime, but not the kind that allowed visiting Alexus as often as I’d like. It took a couple of months before I could secure three full days to go to New York, and, of course, Vocal was with me to keep up appearances. The three of us would do the usual dining out or club thing, but the best times were behind locked doors where Alexus and I could be together the way we wanted. That first year I was on cloud nine. If I thought I was distracted when I was lusting after her, now I was ridiculously unfocused. There were times I’d be smiling for no reason. Sometimes I’d get a quick memory flash of Alexus’ smile, the sound of her moaning in my ear, or how she looked in a particular outfit and whatever I was doing didn’t seem as important anymore. After the first three rocky months, we did manage to see each other at least once a month, which was usually a long weekend of staying cooped up in a hotel under one of my aliases, or if we went somewhere public we made sure we were never alone. My popularity was growing more and more, and everywhere I went, there was someone with a pen or camera in my face, so sometimes the quietness of a hotel was welcomed…but barely.“I never thought I’d say it, but I hate hotels.” Alexus said one night while we were snuggling on the sofa of yet another common room in yet another hotel. “I can’t wait for the day that we won’t have to hide anymore.”“Me too,” I kissed the top of her head.She turned to face me, her eyes probing. “You want that? You really do?”I nodded. “I get tired of this too, baby, believe me. We’re not gonna hide forever.”“Promise?”“Promise.”She grinned and gave me a huge kiss. “I am so falling in love with you, Pamela Irving.”It was the first time either of us had mentioned love, and to hear her say it warmed my heart---as well as panicked it. But looking into her eyes, there was no denying how I felt. “I’m falling in love with you too.”And so we continued. A couple of times during that year, Alexus visited me in California where we stayed in the house Vocal and I rented. Even without Vocal around to “chaperone”, we still had to lay low and watch out for the windows, in fear of anyone being able to look in, especially paparazzi. We celebrated our first anniversary with a quiet candlelight dinner at the house, and risked a midnight skinny dip in the pool. Cloud nine felt great. I had a great woman I loved, who was unbelievably supportive and undemanding, and everything else seems to be falling in line. Vocal and I were halfway finished with the third album, and thanks to Alexus I was on a creative high. Vocal couldn’t ignore the unique edge and variety in my writing and my being more daring with how I wanted the tracks produced. Even Jared had no complaints when he called for updates, and complimented the completed tracks. Everything seemed perfect. But of course, when things are perfect, that’s when hell will break loose. And hell came in the form of two events to diminish the cloud. First. Vocal and I were playing one-on-one, both enjoying the new house we were renting for the next few months cuz of the indoor court. The August heat was out of control, but we didn’t want to give up any ball time. The score was tied, Vocal and I in the middle of a debate cuz he was traveling, when our cell phones started going off. At first we ignored them, but when they kept ringing, we decided to answer.I got to mine first. “Hello?”“Pandy, you got a TV on?” It was Jared.“Nah, why?”“Are you sitting?”“No, Jared, I’m playing ball, what’s up?”He was silent for a moment then sighed. “Aaliyah’s dead.”“What?” I looked at Vocal who was on his phone, a look of devastation already on his face.“She was in the Bahamas for a video shoot,” Jared continued. “The plane went down.”“What, is it lost?” I asked. “Pandy…it crashed. She and everyone on the plane died.”I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t know Aaliyah that well, only meeting her a few times at awards shows and parties. But from what I could tell, she was a beautiful person, one of the few people in the industry who seemed completely genuine. “You there?” Jared asked.I looked up at Vocal and our eyes locked. I watched a tear roll down his cheek.“Yeah, I’m here.” I sighed, holding back my own tears, trying to think if I knew Missy or Timbaland’s numbers to give my condolences. “Let me call you back, a’ight?” Vocal was already finished with his call, just sitting on the floor, casually rolling the ball on the ground. I sat beside him, putting my arms around his shoulders. There was nothing we could say to each other so we just sat in silence, both thinking of the last time we saw her. I was also remembering that it felt so similar to when we got the news on Tupac then Biggie. When they both died, I remember thinking that the gangsta bullshit had to stop or we’d lose more of our talented brothers and sisters. Hip Hop and R&B seemed to lose so many of their stars to shit that could be avoided like AIDS, violence, or damn…jail. But this time was different. It was someone who didn’t do anything that might provoke harm coming their way. All she did was take a plane ride. Those are the moments you realize regardless of your status; regardless of how many people may idolize you…you are not untouchable. Second. Vocal and I were coming in late from a few parties. I was still a little high, walking into the house, sensing my bed calling me. “Yo, what time is it?” Vocal asked yawning. “Almost eight,” I was heading towards my bedroom when I heard him turn on the television. “Nigga, you haven’t slept in almost twenty-four hours, but you’re gonna watch TV.” “And I’m gonna eat a bowl of Frosted Flakes too.” He said.I just shook my head as I entered my room. I was kicking off my sneakers, when I heard him call my name in a panic.“What, what, what?” I asked as I ran out into the living room. He was silent, just staring at the television. My eyes rose to what was on the screen. My first thought was that Vocal was watching another one of his action movies—which ain’t my style, no matter how hard he tried to convert me. I even reached for the remote, flipping the channel, ready to say something smart, but all the stations showed the same thing. I quietly took a seat beside him as we watched footage of one of the World Trade Center towers collapse. It was pure chaos. All you could see was smoke, people running and screaming, and the looped footage of a plane crashing into the tower. Tragedy had struck New York.Then it hit me. New York. My heart immediately seized and I grabbed my phone, dialing Alexus’ number, but got a busy signal. I was on automatic, hanging up, redialing, getting a busy signal…hanging up, redialing, getting busy signal. I tried her cell, but got the same thing. “What the fuck!” I screamed as I kept redialing.“Yo, Pandy, calm down.” Vocal said.“Don’t you fucking tell me to calm down!” I was now pacing, my thinking becoming erratic as I kept hitting the redial button over and over again. It was after eleven in New York. Alexus could be working anywhere in the city. “Why isn’t she answering her fucking phone?”“Everyone in the country knows someone in New York, man. The lines are gonna be fucked. And who knows if that plane might have taken out some lines or whatever.”“I don’t care.” I hit redial, feeling the tears start to fall. God couldn’t do this to me right now. God wouldn’t introduce me to the perfect woman after all this time then take her away. Redial, redial, redial. I wasn’t going to allow it. There was no way I was going to just let her slip out of my grasp now. Busy, busy, busy. Not now. Not like this. Not like this.It took me seven hours, killing the batteries on two cordless phones and my cell before I was able to get through. On the first ring, Alexus answered crying. “It’s horrible. I’m in the apartment. I’m afraid to go outside. Everyone’s afraid to go outside.” Then she started to sob. “I want you here so bad, I’m so scared. Baby, I wish you were here.” I felt a moment of relief knowing she was fine, but the images across the television left little to feel relieved about. I was standing still, the tears freely flowing as my heart felt like it was being torn to shreds cuz my woman was in pain and I couldn’t do a damn thing for her. “I wish I was with you too, baby.”No one felt safe getting on a plane, but nothing was going to keep me away from Alexus. It took a couple of days, but as soon as it was ok, I booked a flight to New York and spent my first time in Alexus’ apartment, the entire night holding her while she cried in my arms. At that moment I could care less who saw me. My priorities were clear and all I wanted to do was protect my woman the best way I could. It was the second time in less than twenty days I felt completely vulnerable, only this time I realized just how vulnerable she was as well, and that thought didn’t sit well with me.Our second anniversary came and went. I tried to celebrate it as a joyous occasion, but it felt bittersweet, the weaknesses in our relationship more apparent to me than before. I knew that I loved Alexus and wanted to be with her, but I didn’t truly understand how important she was to me until I actually faced the possibility of her not being in my life. For weeks, it was weighing on my mind, every time I looked at Alexus, the morning of 9/11 resurfaced along with the panic I felt when I couldn’t get a hold of her, and I had to fight the urge to hold her every single time.When I went back to LA, I was beside myself. I couldn’t figure out how to get back to that good space I felt before both events happened, and I was resorting to looking over my calendar to find even more time I could squeeze in NY visits. Any time someone brought up an idea for a photo shoot, a video, or hell even a damn interview, I’d try to find a way to make it a trip out east.After Vocal found me lounging in the living room of our latest rental house, going over my planner for the umpteenth time, he shook his head as he chucked. “For real, if you had one of those personal assistants thinking for you, it would be easier to sneak more time to see Alexus.”I rolled my eyes. “Yeah, whateva.”“It’s not like you don’t need one.” He said plopped down on the sofa beside me. “I’m surprised Jared hasn’t made your ass get one yet. Your shit’s picking up and we’ve been doing a’ight juggling all your appointments and shit ourselves, but it would be nice to be able to relax a bit.”“How am I gonna find someone I can trust to know my shit? I mean, this cat would be with us like all the damn time, all up in our business and whatnot. You know how hard it would be to find someone who could handle their own and be able to keep their mouth shut?”“Celebs do it all the damn time, man. You see that uppity nigga Diddy got with him.” He laughed. “All I ask is that you make it some fine chick so I won’t mind having to see her ass all the time.”“Oh yeah, I can see that right now. Alexus would have a fit if some chick was hanging around me 24/7.”He grabbed the remote and started flipping channels. “It’s still a good idea, kid, I’m telling you. But you’re right about Alexus though. Chicks do get all jealous when those female helpers get hired.” He started laughing again. “Hell, the only person Alexus would accept as your assistant would be herself.”And as if the same light bulb went off in our heads, we looked at each other, both of our eyes wide. There was the answer. I couldn’t believe we hadn’t thought of it before.Before I even broached the idea to Alexus, I called Jared and told him my idea of having Alexus as my personal assistant. I figured it was perfect. She could continue doing what she did as my stylist and she already had experience as a personal assistant. I explained the idea, even spinning it as a way for us to save money. He had met her once and knew she was a good friend, and I doubted he would have a problem with it.After I was finished speaking, there was silence for a moment, then he said, “You free tomorrow?”“I got to do some studio time in the morning, and that last-minute magazine shoot you booked for me around six. Then Vocal and the crew wanted to hang out a bit before we break for Christmas. Why?”“Come see me when you’re done at the studio. I’ll have Anita make an afternoon appointment for you. We should go over this in person.”I had an uneasy feeling, cuz I knew how Jared worked. He lived by his fax machine, and I I’d seen him draw up contracts and fax them all over the world countless times. But I agreed. The next day, as soon as I was finished at the studio, I immediately headed to Jared’s office on Wilshire. Traffic was unusually light and it took me only fifteen minutes. I liked Jared. He was one of those semi old-fashioned types who genuinely loved music and wouldn’t completely sell his soul for the business. Even though he was in his mid-forties—-a very young-looking mid-forties at that---he had this grandfather way about him that made everyone feel comfortable in his presence. His office was similar to other agencies, brightly lit, clean décor, all the walls adorned with signed photographs of his famous clients. As I walked by mine, taken when Chaos hit platinum, I couldn’t help but grin. “Pandy!” Jared cried as I walked into the reception area. He gave me a huge hug and ushered me into the office so quickly I barely had time to say hello to Anita. He took a seat behind his massive mahogany desk, and I sat in one of the leather chairs opposite it. “Wanna smoke?” He asked lifting the lid to his cigar case. I declined, watching him light one for himself. He sat back in his char, silently taking a couple of puffs looking as if he was deep in thought. At first I wasn’t sure what to do, because he normally wasn’t this quiet.He suddenly gave a heavy sigh. “How long have you known me, Pandy? What, like almost seven years now?”“Yeah.” I said cautiously.He nodded. “And during any of that time, have I given you the impression that I was an idiot?”I was taken aback by what he said. “No, Jared, what’s wrong?”“What’s wrong is that I got a very talented client who has reached mainstream. Her current album is multi-platinum, her next one to drop is gonna blow that one out of the water. She can have anything at her fingertips, but she’s making moves that can possibly kill her career.”At first I didn’t respond, cuz something in my gut told me I knew where he was going. But I figured I might as well get it out in the open. “Alexus.”“What else would I be talking about?” He flicked his ash. “Pandy, when I first met you I knew you were something big. You got great skills and style, kid, there’s no doubt about that. You got the power to bring back some of the conscience to Hip Hop in a way those kids can swallow it. I knew that as soon as I heard your demo.”He suddenly got to his feet, going to the door to make sure that it was locked before he returned, this time sitting on the edge of his desk.“Remember our first talk, when I told you that in order to be successful you’d have to give your full one hundred percent and then some? Hip Hop had to be number one, and you would have to work hard and make sacrifices for it. Do you remember what you told me?”I nodded. “I told you I was completely dedicated to my career.”“Then what the fuck is this shit with the stylist, Pandy? I’m not an idiot; I know that you and she are together. At first, when I realized it, I was going to say something, but then I saw how smart you were being. Always having Vocal around, being discreet with your travel plans and such. Hell, there were a couple of times she was out here and I had no clue until long after.”I was staring at him in complete shock, not sure of what to say. I would have bet my life that Alexus and I were being so careful that no one would have picked up on it, especially Jared.He continued, “But now you want to move her here? Pandy, what are you thinking? Do you realize what I have to go through every day to keep those label assholes off my back when it comes to your image?”“My image?”He groaned. “Do you see what’s going on around you? Look at Kim, Foxy, Trina or even Eve. Look at their images.”“What about them?”“Pandy, don’t tell me you don’t get it. It’s a male dominated industry, kid. It’s not like how it used to be when Hip Hop first started, and female MCs had to blend in with the guys to make it. It’s now encouraged for ya’ll to be feminine and have a sexy image, regardless of how hard you may be. Now, I’m not saying those girls aren’t naturally feminine, but if they weren’t they’d have to deal with it too.”“Why?” I asked, although I already had a feeling.“Why do you think? It’s like the same thing with the WNBA. Anytime a woman does anything that’s remotely masculine or has that kind of appearance, the first thing people think is she’s a lesbian. I know it’s the new millennium and all, but some people still think of rapping as a man’s thing, and if a woman raps today and dresses or appears like the guys, they’re gonna think she’s gay. Yes, I know it’s a stereotype, and no I don’t think its right, but I can’t control how society thinks.”“Well then how have I gotten away with it?” I countered. “And what about Missy? We’re nowhere close to being feminine and yet we’re still on top.”“Have you seen Missy, Pandy? She may not be overly girly, but at least she wears makeup, styles her hair and her clothes are getting more form-fitting. Look back over the years and you’ll notice she gets more and more feminine the more successful she becomes. And gay or not, her lyrics validate her heterosexuality.” He tiredly rubbed his eyes. “Pandy, your skills speak for you, kid. But don’t think those label fucks haven’t been on my ass about your image. I just keep telling them the industry needs variety in looks and not all female MCs need to be walking around in lingerie and stilettos. But I still have to assure them that they have nothing to worry about concerning your sexuality.”I was thinking of the conversation Alexus and I had when we first met, and the comment she made about Da Brat’s image changing and how she was starting to show off her body more and more. I could feel the anger starting to boil in my stomach. “Why is it such a big deal if I may be gay---not that I’m planning on coming out or anything. But c’mon, so what if some people think I may be?”“If the key people think you are…your career would be finished.” He said flatly.“C’mon, Jared. I know that’s crossed my mind and shit, but you really think my career would be over cuz some people may speculate? My last album went triple platinum for godsakes.”“Platinum or not. I wouldn’t put it past the label to drop you in a heartbeat if they found out you were. The entertainment business is unforgiving and you know that.”I didn’t know what to say. I had always feared that would be true, but to actually hear Jared say it was a different story, and he had been on the inside for years.“I’ll be honest with you---and please, don’t take offense to what I’m gonna say,” Jared moved to the seat beside me. “But if this was rock-n-roll and you were white, you may have a chance. Now, I’d still advise you against it, but there’d be a slim chance you could make it unscathed and still be mainstream, who knows. Those punk and Goth kids could care less who a singer fucks. But this is Hip Hop, Pandy, and you’re black. The rules are different.”I was trying my best to not let the tears that were burning my lids spill. “Why?”He shrugged. “I don’t make the rules, kid. They may be unsaid rules, but they’re still there. I’ve picked up on some things while I’ve been in this business, and I’ve been around all racial groups, but I gotta tell you…homophobia in the black community is a fucked up thing to witness.” He stood returning to sit behind his desk. “I’ve had some friends, who are black, tell me because of slavery and racism it’s important for blacks to be united and keep the race strong and growing. Other friends just say it’s a sin and black people are just very religious in general. I don’t know which is truer. But what I do know is those same motherfuckers who rap about how gangsta they are or how many bitches they got will be the first ones to throw the Bible in your face.”I was listening to him, but looking past him out the window behind his desk. What he was saying wasn’t anything I hadn’t heard before and I honestly wasn’t surprised. Everyone knew that a white person would come out of the closet faster than a black person, and most likely would be able to do it with less bullshit to deal with. I remembered hearing all the gossiping and the hateful talks growing up in Boston, and especially understood it the moment I realized I was gay.I finally focused on him. “I don’t want to fuck anything up, Jared. My career is important to me, you know that. But what am I supposed to do, just be alone? I deserve some kind of a personal life and I love her. If there is any way you can think I can have both, please…you gotta tell me.”He gave another heavy sigh. “I had a feeling you’d say that.”“Jared, please.” I leaned forward in my seat, “I can be discreet, you know that. And it’s not like I’m planning on coming out anytime soon. I’m not stupid. I’ll be careful.”“Listen, I can’t stop you, Pandy. I’m your manager; all I can do is advise you on what I think is best for you. If you feel this Alexus is worth it, I’m not gonna stand in your way.” He opened a drawer, pulling out a contract and placed it on the desk before me. “You were already on the right track with the idea you had. The best way this can work without being suspicious is if you hire Alexus as your personal assistant first, and part of her duties would be your stylist. A lot of celebrities have personal assistants, some who do live with them, so it won’t look too odd.” I reached for the contract looking it over.“Make sure she has a lawyer look it over first to check the salary is fair and all that other shit, but we’re being generous, believe me. Now, the one thing I do want you to look at is the privacy clause. Bottom of page five.”I skipped to the page.He cleared his throat. “The privacy clause states that anyone who works for you cannot divulge any information about you. What that means is while she’s in your employment she cannot speak to anyone about you or what you do. Also if, for any reason, you and she have a fallout and she is no longer working for you, she still cannot speak to anyone about anything that occurred during her time of employment. She can’t go to the media, write a book, or even tell a fucking friend, or we can slap her with a lawsuit.”“Fuck.” I said softly as I read the clause over, most of the legal jargon going over my head, but I got this gist. “This is some heavy shit.”“It’s for your protection, Pamela. That’s my number one priority.”It registered that he said my name and I looked up. I could see the concern in his eyes even though he was trying his best to appear totally professional. “I still would like for you to think it over before you give it to her. Just take a few days and make sure this is what you actually want to do, okay?”I nodded. “Okay.”He sighed getting to his feet and I rose to mine as well. He came around the desk and gave me hug. “This is a major decision you’re making and I don’t want you taking it lightly.”As I left his office, my mind swimming with all that he said, I have to admit I did start having doubts. I mean, let’s be real. Despite how I felt about Alexus, I knew her for only two years. Two years compared to a lifetime of wanting a dream and achieving it seemed like a fucked up risk to take. I got in my car, immediately lighting a cigarette, wondering what was I gonna do. I loved her. There was absolutely no doubt about that, and I so wanted to be with her and see where this could go. But to risk my career. Was it worth it. Was she worth it?But I had to push it out of my mind and get ready for the photo shoot, and get to the hotel where we were having the crew over---cuz no offense, I didn’t want be faced with cleaning up after those niggas. I made it through the rest of my day, even managing to enjoy myself a bit while we all got together, exchanging gifts and clownin’ around. But in the back of my mind, Jared’s words kept resurfacing and it was getting to be too much that I needed fresh air and found my way to the balcony of the suite.And that’s where you found me. “Yo, Pandy, niggas ‘bout to head out.” Vocal broke my thoughts as he joined me on the balcony. “A’ight.” I said absentmindedly, not really hearing him.He dropped in a seat beside me, snatching the blunt from the ashtray, lighting it. “Why you look like that?”“Like what?” I asked.“Like you about to jump, nigga.” He playfully punched my arm as he took a hit. “You look too damn serious.”“Got a lot on the brain,” I replied honestly.He studied me for a moment as he slowly inhaled. “You thinking about Alexus, huh?” He already knew about my meeting with Jared.I just nodded.He exhaled, a stream of smoke rising into the air. “Can I give you some advice?”“Relationship advice from you? When was the last time you even looked at pussy let alone tried to date it?” I joked.He smirked, “Finally got yourself some and now you acting all big. Nah, for real though. Hear me out.”I waved my hand, indicating to him that I was listening.He sighed, taking another hit, obviously forgetting to pass as always. “I’ve known you before Alexus, and I’ve known you after. I know she means a lot to you, kid, and you’re really happy when you’re with her. Sometimes people don’t get that chance to be happy---especially in the line of business we’re in.”“What are you trying to say?”He got up, handing me what was now a roach. “I’m just sayin’…sometimes, the decision to do what’s right…ain’t easy, know what I mean?” He looked me dead up in the eye.We held the gaze for a moment in silence, and then I just nodded. He then broke out into his normal grin and slapped me on the back. “You know I got your back no matter what.” Then he was gone.I sat there for what felt like an hour thinking over what he said and then back to Jared’s words. In the end, I closed my eyes and the first image was Alexus’ face. I reached for my cell, making the decision that would make or break me. I made two calls. One to Jared, and one to Alexus.I flew to Boston the next evening and spent a wonderful week with my moms, letting her feed me till her heart’s content and enduring the constant stream of visiting relatives, neighbors and old friends who had their hands out for hookups and stories of when they knew me before I blew up. But it was all good. For a moment, I forgot that I was Pandora, and just relaxed in being Pam, as I soaked up the memories of when life was simpler. It’s funny that while I spent all my time dreaming of making it, I didn’t realize how good my life was being surrounded by family and friends. And of course, those thoughts made me think of Alexus.By the time I made it to New York, all I wanted to do was kidnap her and hide away in the hotel and not leave ‘til I had to go, but she was insistent on going out like “normal people”, and regardless of the paparazzi, I gave in. I donned a baseball cap and sunglasses and we had dinner at Sugarcane and then we were back at the hotel getting ready for bed. All throughout dinner I had been somewhat preoccupied with the recent events and the decision I had made, but once we made it to the room, I pushed it out of mind. I was flipping through some of my CDs trying to decide what to play when Alexus entered the room. I felt her eyes on me as she crawled into bed.“What’s the deal?”“What do you mean?” I asked, wondering if playing 112 would be too cheesy.I heard her chuckle. “You act like I don’t know you, Pam. Something’s been on your mind all night. Spill it.”I was trying to figure out if this was the best time, but it was either now or never. I turned to look at her. “I want you to move to LA.”Her eyes widened. “What?”“Hear me out.” I set the CD down, walking towards her. “I love you, Alexus, you know I do. But this long-distance thing isn’t working anymore, and you know it.”“Yeah, but…”“After that day…” I paused trying to find the right words. “I can’t bear going through another day like that, having you clear across the country and not being able to reach you if something happened.” I could already feel the tears falling. “You mean so much to me, and I want to share a life with you, you know that I do.”“Honey, I know that.” She caressed my cheek. “But that’s a big step, Pam. You’re talking about me leaving my family, starting over in a completely new city, new culture, where I won’t know anyone but you and Vocal.”“I know.” I said softly. “I know it’s a big step, and I know it may sound selfish, but I want you with me. I want this to work and seeing you maybe once or twice a month isn’t enough anymore. How are we supposed to be in a relationship when we’re so far apart? At some point we were planning on being together, right?”She nodded thoughtfully, “Right. But have you thought all this out, Pam? You’re gonna have to finally put down roots. No more just living from one hotel to another or renting a different house every couple of months. We’d need a central base…a home.”“I know. I’ve thought all that out and the answer’s still the same. I want you with me.”Alexus stared at me for a moment before getting to her feet. She started to pace. I watched her nibbling her bottom lip, knowing her mind was working a mile a minute. “What about your work? Just because we’ll be in the same house doesn’t meant there won’t be distance. You’re always on the road promoting and you’ll be touring again, or doing something that’ll take you away.”“But when I come home, I’ll be coming home to you.” I paused, getting ready for my second idea. “And it’s not like we’ll be that apart from each other really.”Her eyebrow rose. “What do you mean?”I smiled and dropped the second bomb. “What do you think about being my personal assistant and stylist? Permanently.”“You’re kidding.”“Completely serious,” I was now grinning. “Think about it. We can be on the road together, traveling to different cities and countries. If I have any kind of work that will take me away from home, you’ll be right there with me. No one will think twice if we’re seen together.”She shook her head, still walking. “You’re crazy.”I reached out as she passed me, pulling her in my arms. “Crazy in love with you.” “I don’t know, Pam. For real, this is huge.” She pulled away and started walking again. “You can’t understand what you’re saying. If we thought we had to be secretive before, we’ll be under madd scrutiny if I’m there.”“I know…”“No, Pam, you don’t know,” She stopped, hands on her hips looking at me. “Or you wouldn’t be asking me this.”My face fell. “What’s wrong? What did I miss? I thought you’d be happy.”“Baby…” She sighed, wrapping her arms about herself as she slowly moved towards the French doors. I followed her onto the balcony and watched her lean against the railing, staring out at the skyline. I stepped up beside her and looked over the railing down at the people and cars below all resembling tiny ants. As if they could never touch us all the way up here…but of course no matter where we were, they still could.“Please don’t think that I’m not happy you asked.” She said suddenly.I turned to look at her.“Believe me,” She continued, not looking at me, “I’m more excited than you know. But I don’t think you’re thinking this through.”“Again, what am I missing?”“If you think people whispered before, once I’m around all the time, they’ll be talking even more. Didn’t you think about that? We’re going to be constantly watched. We’ll have to be even more careful than we are now. One slip and your career could be screwed.”“I did think about that.” “And it doesn’t matter to you?”I let one arm encircle her shoulders, pulling her against me. With one hand on her chin I tilted her head up to look at my face. I looked deep in her eyes and as soon as I did, I had to smile, cuz all I saw was pure love and concern. “It does matter to me, you know that. I love my career, it’s all I’ve thought about since I was a kid. But don’t you get it? Not having you with me, matters even more.”She was silent.“And I already talked to Jared about it.”Her eyes widened in surprised. “What did he say?”“He understands how important you are to me. And he even drew up the contracts, and he’ll have everything in place so it’s all legit.”She still didn’t look convinced. “Pam, I don’t want to be the downfall of all you worked so hard for. You shouldn’t take that risk.” There were tears in her eyes.I turned her to face me completely and kissed her cheek. “Alexus, listen to me. If there is anything I’ve learned in the past year, is that tomorrow is never promised to us. And as much as I want to be in Hip Hop for as long as I can, who knows when my fifteen minutes is up. I gotta think beyond that too.” I brushed my thumb across her lips. “And when I do…whenever I close my eyes…your face is always there. I can’t help but love you and want to share my life with you. Any way that I can.”She bit her bottom lip, staring into my eyes and I could tell the wheels in her mind where working overtime. After a few minutes she sighed. “I need to think it over.”“Understood,” I kissed her cheek again. “I’ll accept whatever decision you make, but just know that I truly want you with me, and I’ll do whatever it takes to make you feel comfortable with it.”“I know.” She laid her head on my shoulder. “Just give me some time, and I’ll let you know.”I kissed her forehead as she tightened her arms around me. Remembering our first night together, I kept planting soft kisses, moving down to her eyelids and cheeks. She tried pulling away, “Pam, now is so not the time. Not after all that.”I captured her chin with my hand, making sure to look into her eyes. “Now’s the perfect time. Just be with me, okay?” Despite whatever happened from here on, all I wanted was to be as close to her as possible at that moment.She nodded hesitantly and kissed me so softly it made me feel fragile. I allowed her to pull back slightly, her eyes full of worry and hope. Instinctively, I turned her around to face the skyline view and wrapped my arms around her waist. I was startled by the heat and tension in her back, never quite imagining that cool, together Alexus could be so unraveled. I tightened my embrace. “For real, baby, let’s just try to let it all go for a minute.” I didn’t expect her to answer in words. Physically, I got exactly what I wanted as her weight shifted and she allowed her head to fall back on my shoulder. My lips came to rest first on her earlobe, nibbling softly and loving the way she was seductively squirming as she pushed through the tickling to enjoy the arousal. Her ass. Lawd! Her ass was hitting me in just the right place. “Damn, woman, you feel good”. I wanted it to sound smooth and easy, instead it came out like a pressured whisper. As my lips brushed against her neck, my hand found the hem of her chemise. The softness of her thigh under my palm was enough to briefly disorient me but the slow grind of her hips brought me back to my senses. I continued up her thigh, trying hard to pace myself but knowing where I wanted to be more than anything. The tip of my index finger grazed the silk of her panties and Alexus took in a sharp breath. I covered her pussy completely with my hand and gave it a gentle squeeze and then just held it for a moment. “We should go in.” She said softly.“Shhh,” I gave her pussy another squeeze and she fell silent again understanding what I wanted. The noise on the street seemed to fade into nothingness, the air became thinner and all my burdens somehow lighter as her arm rose, her hand gripping the back of my neck. She tilted her head and our lips met with a quiet urgency. My fingers slid underneath her panties, my fingertips caressing the bare skin underneath. She shuddered against me, deepening the kiss, and in silent approval, let her legs part. I let a finger slide along her already moistened slit, sawing back and forth, making her purr. Hearing her just encouraged me, and I couldn’t slow myself even if I tried.My finger found her clit, and as soon I touched the tip, she pushed her ass even more into me as she began to rock back and forth. I kept my hand still, allowing her to grind against my fingers, feeling her juices soak my fingers. I broke the kiss, moving my lips back to her ear, letting the tip of my tongue travel along the rim, knowing it would fan the flames already lit it in her. Her hips were moving more deliberately as she concentrated on sliding her clit along the length of my finger, and I relished in the feeling of Alexus enjoying herself, closing my eyes as our vibes melded. My other hand rested on her hip, as I began grinding against her, our movements becoming unified. I slid my finger down to her hole, circling it sensitively to tease her and she whimpered. I could feel her tense, waiting for me to enter her, but I slid back to her clit, tapping it with the pad of my finger and she groaned loudly. My free hand cupped her breast through her chemise, and I found her nipple already stiff, begging for attention. As I manipulated her clit, I gently tugged on her nipple and she let her head fall back against my shoulder, just giving into what I was doing. She was biting her lip, trying to stifle her moans, and the sight of it was beyond arousing. With every tap on her oily clit, her body would jerk as if she was being touched with a live wire. She turned her face into the curve of my neck, mewing softly and I knew she was about to cum. I started tapping it faster, and she gasped, her mouth falling open and her hand grabbed my forearm, squeezing tightly.As Alexus came, I gently kissed her cheek and rode her orgasm with her. I moved my hand from her breast to wrap around her waist just as she fell against me, totally spent. Before she could protest, I lifted her in my arms and walked back into the room, laying her on the bed. I quickly shed my clothes and climbed in beside her pulling her close.“What about you?” She asked as she nuzzled against me.“Believe me, I got what I wanted.” I told her. I kissed the back of her neck then turned out the light, praying that I’d be able to spend the rest of my life holding her like this. I was going out of my mind.“Yo, how long you been at that?” Vocal walked into the living room, bouncing a basketball. I shrugged as I kept my eyes on the TV screen. Right now, I was trying to distract myself with Grand Theft Auto. My character was trying to pull off a mission that involved killing a witness during a boat chase.I heard Vocal sigh, and in a few moments he was standing in front of the television, blocking my view.“Yo, what the fuck are you doing?” I asked trying to see around him.“Now, I am the last person to say anything against video games and you know that. But you’ve been at this shit for days, nigga.”“And?” I asked.“You actually got a couple of days free and you’re hold up in here instead of being with Alexus. That ain’t like you.”Realizing he was not gonna let me get back to my game, I set the controller down and reached for my smokes. “I told you, I’m giving her space to think.”“When was the last time you spoke to chick.”“I talked to her today.”“And?”“It didn’t come up.” “It didn’t come up? How does shit like that not come up?”I gave him a hard look as I lit my cigarette. “We talked about usual shit, that’s all. I ain’t bringing it up until she does. It’s on her, you know that.”“But it’s been almost two weeks.”I got to my feet, heading to the kitchen. “You don’t think I know that? I can’t push her on this, man. She’s got a lot of things she gotta think of. I mean…she’d be leaving everything behind. And that’s a big deal. I told her to take all the time she needs.”“And you’re dealing by drowning yourself in video games.” He followed me and sat at the counter while I got two Coronas from the fridge.“And working,” I added. “Jared’s booked some crazy promotional shit for the next few weeks. I swear, with every album, everything just multiplies even more. I thought I may get to relax more.”He chucked. “Then you’re an idiot. You know the bigger you are, the harder you got to work at keeping your status.” He opened his beer and took a swig. “But, for real kid, you need to get out and do some shit, and not keep yourself up in the house all the time. Me and the guys are gonna play some ball, you down?”“Where?” I asked. Regardless of where I was in my career, not every guy in the industry was willing to look past the fact that I was female when it came to just hanging out.“At my man Rollie’s. You know the Sixers are in town for the game on Monday, and Allen’s at his crib.” He replied.I grinned. I hadn’t seen Allen in a minute and we were pretty cool the few times we did hang out, since we were both from the East Coast and he and Vocal grew up in the same area. And the plus was that he would bring it, regardless if I was a chick or not. I was sold.“A’ight, I’m down. Give me a few to get ready.” A few hours later, we were at Rollie’s house over in West LA, everyone was chill, relaxing in the backyard, talking madd shit as we took shots, nothing really serious since Allen couldn’t do anything too strenuous because of the upcoming game. After going over our various hairstyles (no offense to Alexus, but Allen’s chick was madd skilled), and Vocal and Allen reminiscing about their Tidewater days, retelling stories I knew almost as well as my own, I was glad that I had come along. It felt good to just relax with the guys and not feel too pressed about my own shit, despite how I felt deep down. To be honest, I was fronting by acting so confident about the whole deal with Alexus, cuz I was seriously worried. I knew she’d need some time to go over things, but Vocal was right. I didn’t expect it to take this long. And every day that passed felt like another stack for the “No” Column in my mind. I was rolling through waves of emotions, even being angry for a while, thinking that this was what she had wanted in the first place. She was getting tired of the long-distance game as well, or so she said. Maybe she just wasn’t as ready as I was. And that thought made me grow cold. It never crossed my mind that I could love her more than she did me. Maybe she liked her independence too much and wasn’t ready to be tied down. And even though we weren’t talking about a heavy duty relationship that involved kids and shit, this was a massive step. Maybe it was just too big of a step and I had calculated wrong. The idea of Alexus rejecting my offer felt so impossible when I first told her, but now it didn’t seem so far-fetched at all.The more I thought about it, the more her words started to ring true. What if the pressure did get to be too much? What if the constant ducking of the press or having to be so careful with how we related to each other got to be too much? Doing it once or twice a month was one thing, but every single day? Maybe it was unfair for me to ask her that. To ask her to give up her carefree existence to spend a lifetime of secrecy with me, basically living a charade. And maybe she was sitting at home trying to figure out how to tell me.“You weren’t kidding when you said your nigga always looked serious.” I heard Rollie say.I looked up and noticed the guys were looking at me and I rolled my eyes, trying to shake how I was feeling. “You know how it be. Always thinking of work and shit. My manager got me going crazy.”“That’s how it gotta be though.” Allen replied. “Black people always gotta work harder to keep their shit. We don’t wanna end up back where we started.”“Ain’t that the truth.” Vocal got to his feet grabbing the ball and made a shot. “We can’t be fucking around for too much or we’ll lose it in a heartbeat. Cuz there’ll always be a nigga behind you waiting to take your spot.”I quickly got to my feet snatching the ball from him and did a lay up, the ball sailing into the hoop with ease, making the guys holler. “Like that nigga?” I joked.Everyone just laughed and Vocal flipped me the finger.A couple of hours later we all left, Vocal and I heading home to get changed before going back out to hit the clubs. For the first time in a minute, I was glad to be distracted by all the fans clamoring for autographs, pictures and time to talk to me. We were in the VIP section of On the Rox, and I was nursing my fourth Hennessey while Vocal was letting some chick, whose dress looked more like swimwear, try to convince him that he should take her home for the night. I had to roll my eyes over the lines she was using. It amazed me that chicks still believed that the Golden Pussy was truly the ticket to getting a guy to pay attention to you longer than a fuck, especially a celebrity. I’ve seen so many girls throw themselves at guys thinking one good fuck would be their ticket out of whatever situation they were in and in some permanent limelight, not realizing that as you were talking, the guy was already planning how to get rid of you after he got in them drawers.“Did you both wanna party with me?” She suddenly asked, giving me a wink.I didn’t take it personally. I was used to these types of bitches who thought they could try any tactic to get what they wanted. I just rolled my eyes, “Bitch, if I even went that way, I could definitely do better than trash like you.” I replied, the alcohol already making me feel hazy.She sucked on her teeth and gave me a tired once-over look before turning her attention back to Vocal, who was laughing at my comment. She just smiled prettily at him, going back to her original game. Chick didn’t even have the sense to realize he was laughing at her. When she started sucking on his ear, I knew that was my time to get going.“I’m gonna go.” I said started to get up.“Nah, nah, don’t go yet. We still gotta hit Guy’s.” He protested, trying to detangle himself from the chick’s fast hands. When it was apparent she wasn’t getting the message, Chuck, our bodyguard appeared and in a few moments had her on her way, all the while, her mouth was running, calling Vocal all types of shit, like he wasn’t her god only a few minutes ago.“For real, I’m tired.”“Almost drunk is more like it.” He drained his beer. “It’s too early to go home. I heard Denzel’s gonna be at Guy’s tonight, and I know you’ve been dying to meet nigga since you seen Training Day.” He lowered his voice so only I could hear him. “You switching sides on me, nigga?”I playfully elbowed him. “Fuck you.” But I gave in and we started to head for the side door. As we maneuvered through bodies, Chuck and the rest of our crew shielding us as we walked, I felt buzzing from my cell in my pocket. I was about to reach for it when a white hand was suddenly in my face. Before I knew it, two blondes were all up on me hugging and air kissing me as if we were related. “I’ve been dying to meet you!” One blonde cried. “I love your music!” The other, who looked more mixed, was gushing over Vocal, then me, talking a mile a minute about knowing this person and that. What I couldn’t understand was why Chuck and the guys had let them through, but one look from Chuck told me that they were people I probably should know, so I plastered the fake smile, said some automatic shit about how it was great to see them as well and we should hang out soon. After a few minutes of a conversation I will never be able to remember, we explained we were running late and quickly headed out.“Yo, who the fuck was that?” I asked Chuck as soon as we got in the SUV.“Don’t ya’ll watch that E! shit at all?” He said. “Whateva, nigga, who was that?”“Paris and Nicole.” Chuck shook his head as if everyone should know. “Be glad, nigga, you just became Hollywood royalty.”Vocal and I looked at each other blankly for a moment before busting out laughing.It was almost 5AM by the time we made it back to the house, and I only had enough energy to peel off my clothes and fall into bed. My head barely hit the pillow before I passed out. When I woke up the next morning, I wasn’t surprised to see that it was almost noon, and I was grateful that I had absolutely nothing to do that day, which was my last free day before the publicity schedule would start. I showered, pulled on some sweats and made my way to the kitchen to find something to eat. I was pouring some cereal, when I heard the warning buzz from my cell indicating I had a voice message. I picked up my cell from the counter and didn’t bother looking at the Caller ID from the missed call, but just pressed the button taking me to my voicemail. At first there was silence, but then music played. Within the first couple of beats, I recognized the song and I couldn’t help but smile. There was no question as to who called as L.L. Cool J’s “Going Back to Cali” played in my ear.I suddenly started to laugh, breakfast completely forgotten as this feeling of hope lifted my spirits, and let out an excited howl. After a few minutes, Vocal came rushing into the kitchen, his du rag half off his head, crust still in his eyes as he tried to focus on me.“What the fuck’s wrong?” He asked, his eyes darting from side to side suspiciously.“Nothing’s wrong.” I sang as I tried to pull off a moonwalk. “Alexus said yes.”“She just called?”“Just got a message. She must’ve called last night.” I was now doing James Brown footwork.He gave me a crooked smile as he leaned against the wall. “Damn, finally a woman in the house. That’s gonna be some shit.”“Fuck you nigga.” I gave him the finger, but I was all smiles. I checked the time, but fuck it, who cared. “I’ll be back.” I said heading out of the room.“Where you going?” He asked.But I was already gone. I didn’t know what was going to happen from here on, only time would tell. All that mattered was calling my woman to see when she was coming home.
